The One
by BorntoDraw
Summary: Sequel to "Even the Stars": Reflecting back over the last few years brings up tragedies as well as accomplishments. However, when the crew returns to the Enterprise they find that future reflections may be worse than they could ever imagine.
1. Prologue

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.  
_**

**_AN:_**_ So…Here is the prologue or initial launch of the Sequel to Even the Stars. I'm apologizing in advanced, b/c after posting this it probably will be some time still before I get Chapter One typed out. It's all still in the planning stage but this was already what my head had come up with before the end of Even the Stars. So, yah...a little snippet for what is to come. This is really barely even scratching the surface in all that I have in store for this story.  
_

_I'm also in the process of a more upbeat or...just a nicer, non-darkfic, story which will probably be up on this site before Chapter One is completed for this story. Anyway, excited for these two...my brain is going crazy with all the possibilities in store. Hope you all like this small glimpse into the sequel and I'll try and get to the rest as soon as possible. ^ ^  
_

**_AN:_**_ Other then that I hope you enjoy : D_

* * *

The One I've Loved

-Prologue-

The Enterprise was shipping out.

Shore leave had finally come to an end and even though it had been relaxing everyone was excited to get back on board…get back home and explore space once again.

They had one more year left of their five year mission and now with the war over it was important to get right on track once more. Now that they had Jim back it was all the crew wanted to do. Jim who had led them through so much, and who had become an important aspect in their lives was finally with them again. So, to say the crew was excited to have the warm inviting captain back at the helm was an understatement.

Yes, Spock had risen up after Jim's capture and had truly made an effort to be the Captain that the crew needed when again and again Jim could not be found. However, there was no replacing James T. Kirk, and even Spock agreed that he had no desire to Captain a ship let alone the Enterprise.

Spock had always enjoyed serving alongside the Captain and his Jim; and could picture himself nowhere else.

It was strange, knowing that everything would just be normal once again, because it had taken two of the five years to get Jim back. It felt like he had never been gone and yet his absence had changed everything. The crew was perhaps stronger now than they had been before, as was the rest of the Federation.

Yet, because of Jim's capture newer regulations and stricter codes were becoming enforced. Captains were no longer given as many liberties and their orders were with the strictest command.

Things had changed when Jim had left and were continuing to change now that he was back. Some good and some bad, but the Enterprise crew new that as soon as they were back on board the ship—back with Jim—things wouldn't feel bad.

Changed or not, Jim would still make them feel at home.

* * *

The problem was that Jim had only seen them all once over shore leave and beside Spock and McCoy no one had heard much from him at all.

They could all understand this. Jim had been through a very traumatic turn of events and was taking time to cope and relearn to be a part of something again. He had spent two years trapped with only slight outside contact and that had been through the kids or out of his own forced time back on the Enterprise.

Jim was coping and the crew just wished he would do so with their help. They had every faith in Spock to keep Jim sane and bring him back. As they had every faith in McCoy to keep him well and not let him succumb to depression. They just hadn't heard anything for so long.

No press releases about the golden boy returning to Captain the Enterprise.

No letters or messages from the Admirals about Jim's new instatement. In fact there had been no word or whisper about the Enterprise's Captain at all. If there was anything Star fleet was keeping tighter lipped than this the crew had never known.

They just assumed Jim would be back as Captain.

This assumption came after they had met with him close to the end of shore leave…just a month before they would all return to the bridge. They had all seen him smile and laugh and act just like he had prior to the war. They had all seen their Captain again; albeit, he was slightly more shielded than before but it was him all the same.

* * *

So, when they all boarded the Enterprise and found the Captain's chair vacant it left a nagging feeling in the pit of their stomachs.

They all tried to focus on the tasks that needed to be accomplished before they had to ship out. It was easy to write it off with a quick and simple thought;

_He's probably with Spock, keeping the Vulcan_

_to the last minute to prove a point, or something._

The thought was nice until Spock walked onto the bridge and stilled. It was a strange sight to behold as a number of emotions danced secretly within those dark brown eyes. He's eyes had immediately drawn towards the captain's chair upon his entrance, and without even a word to anyone he pivoted on his heels and turned right off the bridge and back into the lift.

That was alright, that didn't mean anything. All it meant was that Jim was not with Spock, then. That could also be written off easily;

_He's probably with McCoy getting a final check over._

However, this thought stilled as almost immediately Spock returned; being led back onto the bridge by none other than Doctor McCoy himself. Jim, however, was not beside the pair.

Spock parted from the Doctor without a word moving almost stiffly to his station where he went about proper start up procedures. McCoy just moved to the nearest out of the way spot and stood in wait for whatever was to come.

They both were as quieter than they had ever been before (an impressive feat for Spock), and it was putting a strain on the crew who were trying to listen in for any hint as to what was going on. With a more thought out reasoning it was capable to write this off as well;

_Well Spock isn't going to be the captain seeing as _

_he is remaining in his spot as first officer. _

_That must mean that Jim is still going to be arriving as Captain._

_He probably is being held late by the Admirals,_

_Being given_

_a final warning._

All of these thoughts were reasonable given past experiences with Jim on the Enterprise.

All thoughts were hopeful, seeing as again and again something altered the thought processes and required a new deductive reasoning as to why Jim hadn't shown up yet.

All thoughts were proven wrong.

When the moment came to ship out of dock, they were not surprised to find the Captain stepping in at the last moment. They were surprised as to who it was that stepped in.

"Pike?"

The whole bridge was in an uproar at the site. Yes, it had been three years now and seeing the Admiral up and about was not that shocking. However, Pike was an Admiral now…one of which the Enterprise consulted most in, seeing as they had a bond with Pike in particular.

Seeing the man not only walk onto the bridge (still in his Admiral uniform) and take up the Captain's chair left them all confused and unsure; all except for two individuals. One of which was standing against the furthest wall just watching the scene play out, and the other sitting tensely at his station not even shifting to look at Pike's arrival.

"Settle down now."

Pike spoke clearly and with such a sound of authority that the crew could do nothing else but go quiet.

If they had hoped that he would delve into the reasoning behind his presence instead of Jim's than they were sorely mistaken. Pike seemed as if unaware of the overly large; crammed in tight, purple elephant in the small space of the bridge. He just went about procedure just as he had three years ago for the Enterprise's first shipping.

"Take her out Mr. Sulu."

…

…

Why did it feel like a betrayal as the crew all turned to complete their tasks?

…

Why did it feel like a depression was settling heavy over all those present on the bridge?

…

Why did it feel so wrong to be leaving Earth once again and to be back on board the Enterprise?

…

Why did it feel like they weren't home?

…

…

Jim had abandoned the Enterprise and her crew and neither Spock nor McCoy nor Pike were willing to break the silence and share with them.

Jim wasn't here and for the first time ever, the ship felt changed and cold and empty.

Where was Jim? What was going on? Why were their commanding officers just okay with this?

* * *

The shift in and of itself was by far the worst shift any of the alpha crew had suffered through.

It was tense from the forced silence and unanswered questions, but also because of the obvious problem; Jim was absent. No one was willingly speaking to anyone else for fear of breaking the silence or speaking out of turn.

It didn't make sense why their commanding officers weren't sharing information with them and it left the whole bridge on its side and disoriented…not a single one of them was working at 100%. They knew it and so did Pike and yet no one seemed to care?

The minutes stretched by like hours and by the time shift ended they felt like days had gone by. Tired and worn out the entire alpha crew practically dragged themselves off the bridge. Not wanting to leave things as they were, but not wanting to stay any longer in that overbearing space.

There was only one shift that they could think of which had ever left them feeling as tense as the shift they had just survived through. It was one back at the very beginning of their five year mission and had been a normal day until the crew realized that Jim and Spock were fighting or had argued before shift.

Supposedly it had started as a mundane comment made by Jim; about him beaming down alongside the rest of the landing party. He calmly wrote it off as a desire to check out the planet and stretch his legs. Yet, Spock had quoted regulation immediately to the first-time Captain and Jim, who really didn't like being told no, rebuffed him with ease.

It was a small comment that carried on after shift, but when the next shift came up the pair would not even glance at each other. It was hard to go through a shift without speaking to one another, and they found that even if they tried they would be forced to address the other. They managed to do so but always in terse and clipped fragments.

It left every other individual on the bridge tense and unsure what to do.

Not surprisingly, Jim had eventually grown fed up with the tension and blew up—in a manner of speaking. It was a short spat of Jim shouting and Spock remaining almost mockingly calm. After all the tension and awkwardness they managed to settle it on Spock beaming down with Jim, and the matter was over.

Well it was over besides the unease for the rest of those who had been privy to the entire spectacle. Yet, Jim seemed capable of tying that over with more ease than he had tying over the situation with Spock.

All it took was Jim throwing Sulu and Chekov an exasperated look, and just like that the bridge had become more at ease. One look and Jim had settled everyone else's tension.

This time they weren't so lucky; mostly because the tension on the bridge had stemmed, not from an argument, but a lack thereof. No one was even trying to clear up the situation. Whereas, Spock was known to question and voice his views, he was deathly silent all shift. Whereas McCoy would remain to pester and argue, he had been quick to retreat and fall out. Whereas Pike was warm and not against breaking the tension and alleviating problems, he was stern and stricter than they had ever seen him.

No one enjoyed their first shift back on board the Enterprise.

* * *

What they found was that Jim had not truly abandoned them, for he had been on board the entire shift. It was an odd surprise walking into the mess hall to see their captain in teaching greys. He was sitting atop a table and surrounded by a large group of new and old crew members; all of which were sporting gold shirts. Everyone but their Jim was wearing the right colors.

Their captain (ex-captain?) was talking animatedly about something and gesturing wildly with his arms as he spoke to the crew. It was strangely reminding them all of story-time back in preschool, and yet none of the crew members could tear their eyes away.

Jim was an entrancing site to behold and where the bridge had felt closed off and cold, the mess had never felt so open and inviting.

Laughter and smiles, and bright blue shinning eyes.

Everyone was struck by his presence. Here was what the bridge had been missing. Here was what the crew had been longing for, and immediately the tension was gone. Immediately the ship felt like home once more, and all the guilt and worry disappeared as if it had never existed.

But it had.

It took movement to break everyone out of their daze. Whereas all the others in the mess were transfixed and enamored; only one individual seemed able to move with normalcy.

Spock walked through the crowd as if they were nothing more than a maze placed to prolong his arrival to his desired destination. It was a strange and yet completely normal site; Spock being pulled along towards Jim. Spock being drawn to the other, as if by an unparalleled force.

Jim's voice carried loud throughout the mess and fell with a resounding silence as his eyes were drawn to the other by the same force. Instantly it was as though no one else existed, and nothing else mattered.

Blue met auburn and the world fell away.

Jim's laugh and bright smile had never felt forced or fake until just now. The warmth that Jim emitted shifted almost on cue and a smile, almost so sincere and gentle it couldn't be measured, broke out upon his features. This was what an open and honest Jim looked like...it was more stunning and dazzling than it had been just moments prior.

When the crew had come in and been so transfixed that they had stilled on sight; it seemed almost foolish in comparison. They had never witnessed such an open flux of emotions till this moment.

Love.

Pure and unadulterated, and reserved completely and solely for Spock.

It was an odd sight, seeing Jim who had always worn his expressions on his sleeve be with the Vulcan and yet, Jim was revealing himself now more than any had ever seen before. The only comparison they could find for a similar moment was when Jim had been the small three year-old and had openly gazed at them all with untainted emotions.

Here was Jim. Changed from the Romulan War and returning to them not closed off, but more willing to be himself than ever before. Here was a truer version of their Captain all because of Spock.

Jim's hand reached out for the other as he neared, but Spock's own arms folded with a strict tension in the proper Vulcan placement behind his back.

The warmth was gone.

Like a light switched off, Jim's hand fell as did the smile, and brought with it the tension.

"I would like to speak with you, Commander." Spock's voice was harsh and cutting and Jim could only barely muster his plastered on grin.

"There's nothing I have to say." Jim replied with a tone to match Spock's, but shifted all the same to stand.

It was like ice breaking. He moved and immediately all those surrounding him stood and drew away.

"Spock, you fool, don't go making a scene! Didn't I tell you we'd discuss this all later."

The man had impeccable timing. The doctor marched into the mess just as Spock arrived alongside Jim.

"Bones." Jim breathed out a sigh of relief and the Vulcan's gaze flashed almost jealously towards the doctor before returning to Jim.

Perhaps…this was a moment that had not been meant for others to be present for.

"I have been residing with you for the past three months, and just now am informed not by yourself but through blatant observation and actions. Were you ever planning on informing me that you had no desire to be captain again?" Spock's eyes were cold and calculating and any warmth seemed to be quickly closing off as the heaviness set in.

An entire shift up on the bridge was spent with placing up walls.

An entire shift was met with confusion and denial to have been so easily lied to and dissuaded.

"I didn't tell you because I don't know, Spock." Jim stepped toward the other and winced as immediately Spock took a step away. "D-don't. Please…don't pull away." Jim's words were a barely there whisper and suddenly a new range of emotions became portrayed to all of those who were close enough and observant enough to catch them.

Despair, loss, guilt, unease, and fear all flittered through dimming blue eyes.

_-Don't leave me.-_

Jim's legs shook with an effort to keep standing and before they were even given a chance to give out; Spock was there instantly beside him. The Vulcan caught Jim before he could collapse but the weight and pull left the pair sliding down to the mess floor.

Jim was immediately pulled close, without concern for onlookers or for any who bear witness to such a site, and without concern for the earlier matters.

The situation had changed, and Spock altered his own mindset when pain, that was not his own, overwhelmed him.

"Out!" The words were hardly registered to the pair, but McCoy seemed set on keeping this moment personal instead of as public as it was turning out to be. He wanted to get everyone, who was just standing by to watch, out of the mess hall and away from a moment much too private to share…a moment that left many in awe as much as in fear. What had just happened to their vibrant and whole Jim? Where did their golden hero go and why was he replaced with this image?

No one could erase the scene now that it was seen, but McCoy would not stand by and let it further tarnish the views others held for Jim; for their supposed captain.

The rest of the alpha crew seemed to catch on, and it was with a quick demand that they coerced the onlookers out of the mess. Protests and accusations fell as Giotto stepped in to the aide of the alpha crew and suddenly the mess was left in quietness.

McCoy tried to usher the alpha crew to move into the hall along with the others but they all sent him a stubborn look. They had been left out long enough. They also already knew of Jim and his relationship with Spock. They were the least likely to judge and it was time for questions to be answered.

However, determination after rallying up a crowd of protestors was easy to keep. Determination when met with the sight at the center of the mess…was not as easy to keep.

* * *

"I am not going anywhere _ashayam..._" Spock's words were softly spoken and his right hand immediately sought out Jim's own to press together as if to further prove such a statement. "Be calm…all is fine. I am right here…feel me my James, I am here."

Jim's eyes had at some point clenched shut and he lay heavily against the Vulcan, the hand not caught in Spock's own clung tightly around the other's waist keeping him as close as possible.

It wasn't until after the room fell into a complete silence that Jim was able to take a shuddering breath. He couldn't bear to look up and left his head resting against Spock's shoulder as he spoke…loud enough for the remaining onlookers to overhear.

He knew that they would not leave as well, just as he knew they had a right to hear what he was about to say.

"I-I cannot be the Captain of the Enterprise." Jim breathed out and a collective gasp from the others left him tensing in Spock's arms.

"Not like this. Not how I am…I cannot."

"Jim."

"No, I'm not…I just can't be the Captain."

* * *

**AN:** Hope you liked it.

Yes, this story still will have some of the dark!fic feel to it, but more so as left overs from last time. I think this one will have more action or suspense, but most importantly I want to focus on Jim and Spock's relationship-I think. Also, I've got some interesting twists in store and this time it may be Spock who needs saving instead of Jim? :D


	2. The One I've Loved:One

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**AN:**__ So, I know I said that I was going to post the other story before this chapter was completed, but I found I wanted to approach the intro to the other in a different manner so I'll need to reedit that. _

_Anyway during such time I got really inspired with ideas for this chapter! So, woot! I'll be making my chapters in parts, b/c I'm going to stick to a similar layout as I had in EtS. 3,000-ish words per page. I'll try to label everything so it's not confusing. Let me know if it is : )_

_Anyway, yah. Excited. Also you may note I changed the summary for this story. It's not going to mainly focused on Jim getting back to captaincy. The first arch of this story will be played around that desire, but there is a deeper underlying message that will actually be the major plot. _

_Also, I changed one other thing (kinda felt foolish for not catching this until now). In my last story the Enterprise had been out for two years already…or so I had written. Than Jim was captured for a year, and the return flight took about a year. So, only one year not two years left of their five-year mission. Oops._

_**AN:**__ Other than that I hope you enjoy : D_

* * *

The One I've Loved

Chapter One (Part One):

"No!"

Blue eyes opened to a dark room as the cry tore past his lips.

His pulse beat, pounding loudly in his ears and he tried to control the gasps of air as he was torn from the terrors that had haunted his dream back into the reality of waking up alone…no, not alone.

Arms tightened only miniscule across his waist and he felt himself guided gently back down against the strong chest of his lover. He wasn't on that ship.

"Calm…hayal…"

_(-AN: hayal: calm down-)_

Jim's mind took a moment to process that Spock was whispering actual words to him rather than sweet nothings. This brought back the point that he had immediately recognized the other to be Spock.

"Spock." Jim's voice fell somewhere between a sob and a hum of appreciation. His breathing wasn't settling down and though he recognized the other as Spock, the dark room left him grasping at trying to collect his bearings. "Let me go…t—ti'amah…_ashayam_. Let me go." Jim's mind faltered for a moment before he recalled the words in a language not his own, and struggled to pull out of the other's arms.

_(-AN: ti'amah: Let me go, Ashayam: Beloved-)_

"Be still Jim…you are safe." Spock shifted but let Jim up all the same. He was awake now and sat up along with the other. "Lights, thirty percent."

The room became lit and immediately Jim's eyes turned to map out their surroundings.

His quickened heartbeat sounded loudly to Spock's sensitive ears, but he allowed Jim this. It was still many hours until the pair needed to be awake for anything. So, he shifted even closer to the smaller male to nuzzle against his neck.

It was a small gesture but Jim settled against him almost firmly; pushing back subconsciously into the protective embrace as his mind and body caught up. Spock's mouth kissed soothingly at the exposed skin and shoulder as he whispered hushing sounds to Jim in an illogical manner, and yet a manner which seemed most affective in calming his human mate.

Jim's breathing calmed gradually under the ministrations and Spock knew that this would not be the end of things before they would return to bed.

It was a routine that had lessened considerably over the months but one that had yet to disappear altogether. First would come the fear, and panic at being unsure of his reality. It would be followed with a brief moment of calm before the guilt would set in, and it always did once Jim realized he had carried Spock along with him again. Rage would come next, as anger at the situation compelled Jim to act out. Sadness and understanding would arrive last as Jim would become compelled to see reason once more and realize nothing could truly be done except acceptance.

The next action usually varied depending on how drastically the nightmare had scarred him. If it were truly bad Jim would apologize with desire and lust, pulling Spock into the heat as he coped with their bodies.

If the nightmare was one he had experienced before, he would quickly push it aside and allow Spock to pull him back to bed. They would lie awake until the other fell asleep and allow themselves to be pulled along soon after; always enjoying the others company to help with the trauma.

However, Jim had not had a nightmare since their initial arrival back on board the Enterprise and it was almost eerie how vacantly his eyes mapped out the room they were in. Jim was silent and still in Spock's arms and he just remained.

It was unnerving and Spock tried to pull the other from it with words.

"Jim… T'hy'la"

When Jim did not respond or rouse at the words he let his fingers guide along Jim's naked chest. Fingers smoothed over defined muscles and trailed enticing patterns shifting lower and then up again before dipping even lower still.

Jim's breath caught on one of these dips and he arched against Spock, "Don't tease…" Jim pleaded and groaned as Spock complied dipping his hands down to relieve the other.

Gasping and drained Jim settled down upon the bed with Spock again, "We…I don't want to do this."

Spock's eyes lifted unsure and unsettled by the words, "Please clarify, for I fear I have come to conclusions that may not be what you are addressing at this moment in time, and ones I wish not to be so."

Jim's eyes scanned the Vulcan's own and softened apologetically, "I'm not leaving you Spock. That wasn't what I meant." Jim breathed out reassuringly and brushed fingers lovingly along the other's face. "I meant sex. As a means to cope, I know you've been…letting me have this, but it is wrong. It's changing the purpose and meaning behind it and I am sorry. I do not want it to change. I want it for what it is, I want it to be a means to become close to you. To fully lose myself in you and to express, in a form, how much you mean to me.

"Not like this. Not as some way to know that you are real…I'm corrupting something special and I love you for allowing me this, but I can't use it and taint it.

"I need to…I need to stop letting this rule over me. It's been months now. I shouldn't be waking up afraid anymore. I shouldn't have to feel like you aren't real or here. I shouldn't have to prove to myself that this is real. I am sorry. I am so sorry." Jim breathed out the apology and dipped his head against the Vulcan's chest.

Spock stroked his fingers along the length of Jim's back and responded as carefully as one could in such situations, "Jim, I have continuously reminded you that I am here for you. It may have been months, but months are nothing in comparison to the years you spent. You experienced many challenges while you were away from us. Challenges which broke both your mind and spirit in the process, it will take time to overcome this. However, you will. You are both; strong and determined, and have already come so far. Do not feel guilt or remorse.

"If these actions provide comfort to you and allow your mind and body to understand that this is real than I willingly provide. If they do not than we will find another means. Either way nothing is tainted about our time with one another. Any moment spent with you is special, my James. I grieve with thee for your suffering and am here for you to help you until you are whole once more."

Fingers lifted the other's chin and blue was met with auburn. "I love thee."

"Thank you." Jim breathed out and leaned forward to brush his lips against the other, "Thank you for still being able to love something so broken." Jim's fingers shook as they reached up to grasp Spock's hand in his own, "I love you…so much. Don't go. Don't leave me or I won't survive…" Jim's voice cracked as he clung weakly with both hands to the one. Able to completely let go in the seclusion of their room and in the embrace of the one he loved.

Spock's eyes saddened at the confession but Jim's blues had already settled on the hands in his hold, had already missed the gaze as it was but a flicker.

"I have nowhere else I'd wish to be than by your side ashayam…let us go to sleep now."Spock's words were a gentle proposal as he guided Jim to lie back down alongside him, "I will still be here if you are to wake."

"Thank you."

XXXXXXXX

"Jim!" Chekov chirped with bright eyes as he watched Jim enter alongside Spock. He went to stand, but Jim wave him down.

"Chekov, it has been two weeks now that we've been back on the Enterprise. You don't have to jump up whenever you see me." Jim's smile was warm as he walked over to ruffle the others hair before hoping up to seat himself on the table. "So you all are waiting for a meeting I suppose?"

"I-ah…we…um…"

The room fell tense as Chekov tried in vain to politely answer Jim's question. His eyes flickered over to Sulu who sat just to his right, but the other man was impressively not meeting the eyes of the young navigator. A feat that usually was impossible to accomplish.

Nyota had only managed a surprised cough at the very conversation.

"I believe that what Chekov and the others seem reluctant to say, is that it is a private meeting that Pike has requested for those amongst the alpha crew."

…

…

"Oh."

…

…

"Look who I found a'wondering the halls!" Scotty's voice broke over the silence that fell with Jim's words. The Scotsman, unaware of the atmosphere he just barged in on, had McCoy by the shoulders practically dragging the grumpy doctor into the briefing room. "Oy! Jim is here! Well that sure puts a damper on who I brought along with to this party. Mighty fine seeing you here Cap'n."

"I'm not the Captain, Mr. Scott." Jim breathed out but immediately noticed how the words seemed to strike a chord in all those who were present, "But thanks, Scotty, I'll have to remember to stop by engineering more often. Now with all my free time I can help you out with some of those undisclosed projects?"

Jim's smile could tame the most severe of settings. He knew this and wasn't afraid to use it in his favor, even if it was amongst those he held closest to his heart. He'd rather put up a smile to calm them over than let them sit tight on unwelcomed tension.

Scotty seemed pleased by the response and laughed, clapping Jim on the back as he moved to take a seat nearby.

"Aye sir, I have no idea what it is you are talking about. But if I did, I'd say that would be a mighty fine idea, and would welcome the extra hands."

"Sounds good, Scotty." Jim smirked and looked over towards Bones who was still standing just within the doors to the room.

"Jim what are you doing?" Bones' features were tight in an effort not to show any of the emotions underneath. "I had thought you'd be off teaching again today."

"Yah…but that's not for another hour." Jim gave his most sincere smile to Bones for his efforts and shrugged his shoulders, "Figured I'd drop in to say hello, and lo and behold no one is sitting in their stations. Spock was with me and informed me ever so kindly that you all were having a meeting here. Seeing as you would all be together, I figured I'd get all my reunions in with one go."

"If you want to be a masochist, than suit yourself." Bones grumbled, but the concern was evident enough as he made his way over to also take up a seat at the table.

"You say the kindest things." Jim laughed to ease over the tension that just kept jumping back into play, "So, am I the only one everyone is being tight-lipped to about our headings, or do we even know where it is we are going? I mean, I know that there are some taboos to telling those who aren't in a position to hear, but I'd say that I should get the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't you?"

"Jim you know your presence here is cruel for the rest of us as much as for yourself. Stop making it worse by forcing their hands with those kinda questions."

"I enjoy ze company! Ze Keptin should come viz'it more often zhen he haz." Chekov protested McCoy's comment almost immediately.

"We don't mind." Sulu agreed his eyes flashing now up to meet Jim. They were sincere, but it was obvious what McCoy said was still true as well. Nyota and Scotty seemed to fall oddly silent at this as well.

"Sorry, guess I hadn't thought past the whole meeting with everyone. Haven't seen you lot much these last two weeks, but I should've thought ahead." Jim sighed with almost a resigned breath and pushed up off the table.

"Jim."

"Don't worry 'bout it Spock." Jim sent the Vulcan an appreciative and soft smile not trying to muster the hurt that lingered. When it came to Spock, he tried to be honest as he could with his expressions. It was a feat he had initially struggled with, for it was so against his customs, but something that was growing easier to do.

His eyes moved to hover just briefly over the rest of the crew, and he was about to dismiss himself when Pike walked past the sliding doors and into the room.

Both of the men looked at each other, and without a doubt realized they were the only two standing. It was an odd feeling as they just stared one another down for a brief moment. One of them maintaining a bewildered and unexpected look and the other holding a sheepish-kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar-look.

"Hey Chris." Jim tried to muster his most dashing smiles in effort to once again ease over the odd tension.

"Captain works just fine." Pike replied evenly and watched as Jim took a step back as if visibly struck by the comment,

"Sorry, hello Captain. I hope that's better?" Jim hummed sending the other an annoyed look at such harsh words; masking the confusion and hurt that lingered.

Pike's expression seemed to settle at this. Two weeks now they had been on board the Enterprise with Pike taking up role of the Captain, and this was the first he had seen or heard from Jim. He may have been a little mad at the kid, but found he couldn't remain so now that he was face to face with the only cadet he had ever bonded so closely over.

"Jim, you can't be here."

"I know mandatory, and for the eyes of those specified only." Jim said writing off Pike's apologetic expression with ease. "I'm just heading out. "

"I'm sorry Jim."

"Don't be." Jim tossed casually his routine smirk hovering over his lips as he sent everyone a farewell salute and pivoted exiting the room.

The door slid shut behind him with a resounding hiss and his eyes lifted to see the replacements all hard at work until the briefing was over.

He went unnoticed as he stood unsure just outside the doors.

With a shaky breath he stepped forward; compelling himself to do something, anything other than just stand there and look at a seat that shouldn't have been more than a chair. Than remain looking at a room that shouldn't have been more than just a bridge on a ship. He needed to do something that wouldn't leave him wishing and wanting when he wasn't prepared for it yet.

McCoy was right, he was a masochist.

* * *

**AN**: So, Chapter One point One. This will be in three parts. I think this first Arch in general will be three chapters long, or well that's the game plan. So three chapters with multiple parts...confusing? I'll try and make it as least confusing as possible X ).

Anyway. Still kinda on the dark side of things. However, I am posting chapter one part one and two, and I am currently writing the third part. So, expect that either later tonight if not tomorrow morning. By the end of Chapter one some problems will begin to show, also all inform you all where it is we are heading ^^ .

Spoilers, but heads up to all who have not read Even the Stars...the destination may not make sense b/c its a place we've been before. So, please go check out that story before continuing on this one : )


	3. The One I've Loved:OneTwo

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**AN:**__ So,yah as per mentioned in previous post. This is just part two of chapter one. Part three is actually the delving into the beginnings of our deeper plot as well as looking at one of the main focuses for this arch. :/ I may go through and figure a different way to do this because chapters, parts, and arches are confusing to say. Hopefully you all aren't lost. Really it should all still read easily. More for myself I suppose. Will also make more sense the further in we get : )  
_

_So yah. Post numeral two...stepping away from Jim and Spock for a moment to welcome Jim back to his ship.  
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_**AN:**__ enjoy : D_

* * *

The One I've Loved

Chapter One (Part two):

Jim found that teaching the class ever since his breakdown in the mess had left things slightly off quilter. It was as though no one knew how to react around him anymore. Finally, it seemed to get the best of him today as all the whispers floated around, and he wound up sending those who had still been brave enough to return for the lectures off on their own.

He walked the expanse of the ship twice…three times trying to re-familiarize himself with his old girl. It was strangely relaxing, but also utterly frustrating.

Word on this ship passed around like a gossip mill, and any he passed by would grow silent. Glances along with whispers seemed to follow him wherever he went. It was disheartening to feel so exposed when he had always been accustomed to walking proudly down these halls. It was the first time that Jim looked at the people who he had fought so hard for and wished perhaps that he had not returned.

The mood gone from frustrating to depressing almost too swiftly, and thus Jim found himself sitting alone at the back of the mess hall. An uneaten plate of food, pushed aside as he tapped uninterestedly at his pad.

XXXXXXXX

"Keptin?"

Jim's eyes lifted from the document he was looking over, more out of boredom than necessity (nothing was a necessity anymore when it came to Jim). He gave the young navigator a wilting smile before gazing back down at the pad.

"What can I do for you Pavel?"

Jim's voice was soft spoken and tired sounding, but it held no bitterness or harshness towards the young navigator.

"May I join you sir? I had nyet been expecting you to be here at zhis hour." Before Jim could even voice a response the navigator was taking a seat across from him.

Jim chuckled and lifted his gaze from the pad to meet with Chekov's once again. "Yes, well I have a tendency of going where I please. Today I just happened to wind up here." He gave a brief smile before noting that Chekov not only didn't have food but was sitting completely stalk still as if unsure what he was doing.

"Did Pike or Bones send you in here?" Jim questioned confused by the poor boy's posture.

"Ah. Nyet, no sir." Chekov shook his head and laughed uncomfortably, "I had been passing the mess to deliver an equation to one of ze engineers. Like I said, I had nyet expected to find you in here. I figured zhat I might as vell drop by to keep you company, sir."

"You can call me Jim, Chekov. Right now you technically out rank me." Jim chuckled and set his pad aside along with the forgotten meal, turning his attention more fully on the other.

"Aye, Sir. Though I will most likely forget. Anyvay, I cannot zhink of you as anyzhing lower. You are ze Jim Kirk." Chekov beamed, "You defeated Nero and zhen you took on ze entire Romulan race as vell as many other non-federation planets. You vill always be hero to me, Keptin."

Jim's smile was one of amusement as Chekov prattled over him. "Well I'd say that if we are looking at it that way I might as well start addressing you as Sir as well. You were right there with me in that fight against Nero and every step of the way with this last war. I would say you are quite the hero yourself, Sir."

"Nyet!" Chekov gasped out reaching forward as if trying to force the words back at Jim.

Jim laughed out at the action and leaned forward more amused and interested in the conversation now. "See Chekov. It's nice to be addressed by name. It allows me to show that you are more important to me than many others I know. That you are more than just a coworker. You're a friend. A dear one at that."

"T-thank you sir." Chekov flushed slightly at the kind words, and looked down at the table unsure what else to say.

"There you go again." Jim laughed out.

"Ah!" Chekov gasped out, "Nyet, I meant Jim. I meant to say thank you Jim. It's what I meant."

Jim's smile grew as he watched the boy fluster about for a few seconds before calming down enough to send a glare back over at Jim.

"You are doing zis on purpose, no?"

"Yes, Mr. Chekov. You caught me. I know you see me as more than just another coworker, and I don't mind however you address me. Your actions tend to speak louder than your words." Jim leaned over just enough to ruffle the boy's hair before settling back down. However, as soon as he was situated he barked out a laugh at Chekov's annoyed pout, "Alright I cave, what have I done this time?"

"Keptin, ever since you have returned you have become fond of messing up my hair. I do not understand vhy zhis iz so."

Chekov's pout lessened some as his concentration switched to fixing his practically unfixable hair. Jim watched him silently for a couple of breaths before realizing he was actually expected to reply.

"Habit I found myself picking up I suppose." Jim hummed gazing now away and looking at the practically empty mess. A couple of small groups still lingered here and there. Several members even daring to send curious glances towards Jim and Chekov now and again.

"You are speaking of your time spent here? Vhen you vere not really here but you vere. You vere young and went through many phases. From boy to older, yes?"

Jim gave Chekov a bemused look at such a sentence before nodding. "Got it in one Mr. Chekov."

"May I speak freely about zhat time or iz it still taboo topic?" Chekov looked almost guilty for even voicing the sentence but questions seemed to be overwhelming deep within his eyes.

"Go for it Chekov. If anything seems to be stepping too far from the comfort zone I'll try and let you know." Jim smiled though it was tight as he was unsure where this was going. Spock had said that him and Bones had kept much of Jim's darker moments secluded from the rest of the crew, but perhaps they were wrong.

Maybe some moments got by undetected or Jim let them slip. Did Chekov know? Did it matter if he did? Apparently he was still willing to sit alongside Jim, so if he did know anything it didn't deter him from remaining close. If he did, though, did he tell anyone else? Sulu, perhaps?

"How did you know zhat I vould be ze best one to find ze ship?"

Well that wasn't what he expected.

Jim laughed out warmly at this, and felt compelled to ruffle the kid's hair again; though managed to withhold for his benefit. However, his smile didn't lessen as he went on about how there wasn't really anyone better suited when he thought about it. He knew that Chekov would be able to not only find the ship but understand the meaning behind all the effort put to get him there. Chekov would look past just the act of finding something that wasn't there to find and recall how Jim had managed to get said objects invisible in the first place. Looking beyond the face value of things.

Jim found his once secluded time spent in the mess now filled with conversation about the events. Chekov wishing to exam every step of the years missed and Jim's time on board that last year. Chekov spoke with excitement and no longer dwelled on what was okay or not okay to talk about. All that mattered was the conversation and the company.

Chekov ended up running late for second shift and didn't even bother sending a guilty look as he was still too excited over their conversation. "Ve vill talk more later, yes?"

The phrase was spoken like a question, but Jim knew without a doubt that Chekov had every expectation to hunt him down again later.

Jim watched the other leave with amusement, today wasn't too bad a day after all.

XXXXXXXX

The week seemed to carry a similar pattern as Jim kept crossing paths with the alpha crew members.

…

…

Jim wasn't quite sure how it happened. He hadn't been planning on going to the gym or even working out at all, but Sulu had appeared and suddenly Jim was pulled along in desperate need for help.

First it was that Sulu couldn't find a partner to fence with, and Jim had just happened to be the first person he passed. Over the first two years on the ship Jim had amused Sulu's odd past time and had picked up meetings with the other to be shown the ropes where it came to fencing. So, Jim couldn't really bow out with the excuse of not knowing how.

This wound up being more than just a partner to practice with as Jim soon found them to be in a full out match. Sulu pushing Jim and Jim responding with ease as the two fought.

The idea of fencing still seemed to make Jim chuckle in amusement, but when the following day Sulu dragged him off at the same time he found them swapping from fencing swords to wooden katanas. He didn't even get a chance to protest as Sulu just drove right into the match.

Day after day Jim would find himself pulled along, and day after day he began to realize that more and more people began to sit in and watch.

Hell, one day Giotto had joined in and suddenly the battle was altered between skills versus strengths. It was amusing and quite the work out. It was also always a surprise who came out the victor. The medium seemed to really determine who won out in the end but often times one of the three would shock the others and pull out a win.

It soon became a training method, or outside class. Both Sulu and Jim not even stopping to disagree as the security team joined in or swapped in.

On some days Jim would sit out just to watch and comment on stance or procedures that could've been handled differently.

If Sulu happened to leave each lesson with a grin on his face or a sly nudge towards Giotto, well at least Jim was smiling and mingling effortlessly once again.

…

…

Chekov met up with Jim at least once if not multiple times throughout the week. He would specifically take up the largest amount of Jim's free time to talk smarts with him. It was amusing seeing as it started as Chekov prattling about Jim's capability to have planned out so many factors for the success of his time on the Enterprise.

It then turned into math equations that the youth had stumbled upon and had been almost pitching out the air duct when it had managed to stump him.

Jim seemed disbelieving that anything could stump the boy wonder but amused the other with aiding in the problems. From there Chekov would find a time or something else and spring on Jim to pick at his brain or to talk. It was amusing to watch, and often Jim would find Chekov sitting in on the competitions or lessons with Sulu. He would always cheer them both on, but Jim knew the younger male would always root for Sulu. He tried to get the other to join in but Chekov only refused bashfully muttering something about wrestling with Sulu and bad idea. Jim let it go.

He may have suspected the two, seeing as they were not very secretive in their relationship with one another. However, he knew that as long as it was never confirmed there was plausible deniability if any future problems arose.

Other than that he allowed the young navigator his slot in during the weeks. Letting it slid without comment when Chekov thought he was being so very crafty.

…

…

Nyota didn't really try to hide her visits. She had found Jim sitting in the observation deck late into the evening shifts and gave him a large part of her break for added company.

It started with Jim having been reading a book, one which happened to be in Vulcan and he knew from the moment her eyes lay on the book that he was about to get her involvement. He didn't even have to voice the matter of learning the language for a certain Vulcan, before Nyota immediately jumped in to test where his skill level was at.

Jim had always been a quick learner and had picked up the difficult language with ease. It helped that during the three months of shore leave he had lots of free time, and a Vulcan lover who not only spoke the language but had taught the language during his teaching years at Starfleet.

Nyota recommended books and brought many on her visit the next day—same time. Jim hadn't been asked to show again, but both of them seemed to understand that the request was there.

She never brought up the captaincy issue nor even approached the topic, and Jim remained thankful for this. She was, however, a strict and fiercely determined individual and Jim found himself avoiding her in the halls for if she would catch him it was like a pop quiz.

Later she found Jim was also fluent in a few traditional languages and they would spend part of the time swapping between languages trying to stumble or mess the other up.

Jim would laugh it off when once again Nyota would stump him by throwing Vulcan into the mix, but it aided greatly and when Jim spoke fluent sentences to his Vulcan, he knew that Nyota's persistence was worth it. The auburn eyes would light up in the smallest of ways but it was almost dazzling how quickly it would happen and shift the Vulcan's mood.

On one of Nyota's visits she had finally questioned Jim about some of the things he had trusted with her during the war. He tried to answer her questions, but similar to Chekov there really had never been any doubt. Jim knew that she was capable of accomplishing feats that others would've never even broached.

"You're stunning lieutenant. Even more so than just in appearances. You are and have always been impeccable at your job, and I have been lucky to have had you as a communications officer but also as a friend." Jim smiled as he caught her in a hug before she headed back to shift, "Lesek, Ko-kai."

-_AN: Lesek: thank you, Ko-kai: sister-_

Nyota left with a warm smile feeling closer than ever before with Jim. He truly was like an older brother to her; the older brother she never had.

…

…

Jim found himself too often spending his early mornings down in engineering. At first it was because as he had mentioned to Scotty, he had wished to aide with some of the less known or more 'secretive' projects.

Jim had always been fond of letting his chief engineer off on his own. More often than not this would wind up working in their favor and assisting in enhancing the Enterprise beyond just normal repairs. There were not many who cared as deeply for this ship as Jim had, but if there was any one who cared more deeply for it than that it would be Scotty.

It was a shared similarity between the two and perhaps part of the reason the pair got along so well. Scotty could speak engineer talk for hours and Jim was one of the few outside of the engineering track that could actually follow along. Jim was most definitely not an engineer so even he would get lost when Scotty really got into a certain conversation, but he was knowledgeable enough to fill in the gaps.

Something about the war had left Mr. Scott filing for certain repairs on board the ship. However, they were not regulation nor required so the federation dismissed the request.

Jim knew that _his game_ as well as the war would've left a touch of hurt for the Scotsman because the controls were often placed in the hand of those up on the bridge. Those who needed to act fast.

Scotty's desire was to form a means to always keep communications between the bridge and engineering in case of such problems arising again. Being in a relationship with Nyota may have helped this process along, and yes Jim had managed to pick that up. No matter how sly the pair thought they were Jim was quick to catch oddities when it came to his crew-to his family.

Scotty also wanted to alter some other settings to better enhance speed and power conservation. Jim was all for this, and aided in ways they could accomplish such tasks without spending a nickel of the Federations.

If Scotty was humming a tune when he worked and a wee bit more understanding to the rest of the engineer crew, well who could blame him. He was fixing up his favorite old girl with a relished companion and working on projects that he had long thought had been tossed aside.

…

…

If Jim was not spending time being dragged around by his crew than he was with Spock. The Vulcan was still First Officer as well as Chief in the Science department. His time was often very tight and Jim was fine with the knowledge that the Vulcan always made sure the pair had meals together, but also that they're sleeping schedules lined up.

Jim informed him that it was not a big deal either way, that being on the same ship and meeting when they could was still better than being off ship.

Spock did not refute but he also did not alter his schedule. He merely stated that he would prefer to be beside Jim while he slept than alone.

Jim only smiled amusingly at such a declaration, and allowed the Vulcan his tricks.

He knew his crew was trying to make him feel at home once again, and he truly appreciated this as finally it seemed the nightmares were letting up if not vanishing altogether. The whispers faded away as many approached Jim with matters, seeing what the alpha crew was doing and mimicking what they saw.

...

...

Security crew members often spoke of the aide Jim gave while he was a teenager like it was something astonishing. They trained almost fervently and all seemed to show without question to the meets with Sulu and Giotto.

...

...

Engineer crew members grew accustomed to Jim showing up in the engine rooms and often sought him out. This was usually if Scotty was in one of his rants or too busy to stop and help them accomplish something that should've been easy (though easy for the Scotsman wasn't always the same for some of the newer cadets).

...

...

The science department watched as Chekov and Jim went over equations and different matters of logic or puzzles. They saw Jim answer many stumping questions with ease and when they realized that along with Spock and Jim were practically similar mindsets; they found approaching Jim was a sure way to find answers and please the strict Vulcan commander.

...

...

The command crew and the other departments had already been enamored with Jim, and had only been uncomfortable because they had not wished to offend their captain. Many of them had been present when he had initially collapsed in the mess, and were afraid he would think they thought less of him. It was foolish and as they watched him react normally within the following weeks they found themselves boldly jumping for his attention once more.

...

...

Jim had to admit, he was really beginning to feel like he was at home at last.

* * *

**AN:** Kind of more of an overall look rather than a singular moment. Hope that didn't seem too separate in comparison to my usual writing style. Wanted to accommodate for a vast amount of people and time frame. Plus just get a better mood going before I spring some stuff at you next post : )

Hope you enjoyed. Expect part three here soon. *Hearts*


	4. The One I've Loved:OneThree

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**Warnings:** Jim may be out of character. I apologize in advanced...but I require him to be. __Also, one step forward two steps back. Dark!again..._So, hopefully doesn't deter too much : X**  
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_**AN:**__ Ta'da! Part three at ridiculous O'clock in the morning. Probably grammar or spelling errors, and shouldn't be posting, but meh. ^ ^  
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_**AN: **__enjoy : D_

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The One I've Loved

Chapter One (Part three):

"Jim, you have overslept…"

Spock's voice was a soothing hum against the human's ear and Jim moaned in protest to the idea of waking. However, as the weight against and above him shifted to pull away, only having just recently returned, his eyes sprung open.

"I believe you should wake up now if you wish to partake in your new daily routine."

Jim rose alongside Spock not letting the other put too much of a distance between them. Spock didn't even contemplate standing as he kneeled before Jim, and Jim sat before Spock.

"Morning." Jim yawned out the single word rubbing a hand lazily through his hair.

Eyes still lax with sleep, but observant as ever, lifted to meet with Spock's gaze and glistened with an alluring hint. He leaned up to pepper light-closed mouth kisses to the Vulcan's neck and face. "Stay?" he purred trying to lure the other back down to lie upon the bed once again.

"Jim." Spock tried to soundly protest the others actions but found his lips curling only faintly upwards at the mannerisms of his beloved. "Ashayam…I must report for shift in 30.02 minutes."

"So much we could do in 30.02 minutes, Mr. Spock." Jim teased flopping back down upon the bed as the Vulcan refused to be dragged along. Jim's eyes seemed to light up as they gazed up at the other, trying to entice him back.

"Jim. Do you not have matters to attend to this morning?"

"I'm practically booked today. What with all the alpha crew members trying to slyly incorporate me into some social matter or another. Very clever Spock. Who was it you managed to guilt trip?"

Jim smiled his hands lifting to pull Spock down enough to seat him against Jim's lap rather than hover over.

"I do not believe I know what it is you are talking about James." Spock replied allowing the alterations to his position but still refusing to let Jim pull him down to lie horizontally once more, "However, Vulcan's would not require the need to guilt trip others in an effort to gain results. Perhaps we may offer logic to lead to deductive reasoning. This may in turn lead to some observations in a direction more resembling my own."

"Hypothetically of course?" Jim smirked and leaned up to catch the Vulcan's mouth in a very brief chaste kiss before gravity flopped him back onto the mattress.

"Vulcan's do not lie, Jim."

"You are so clever with word placements. Nyota I suppose." Jim huffed , though was not expecting an answer as he shoved at the Vulcan, "Fine, fine I'm up. Let me take a quick shower and I'll walk you up to the bridge. I don't have anything until first break anyway. You'll be in the lab again today, right? So, I can meet with Chekov again? Otherwise I'm sure that means Sulu will be free as well and Chekov won't mind much."

"I find discussing another's love life not as enticing as you seem to have."

Jim chuckled at the slightly put-off look in Spock's brows and leaned to kiss away the lines. "It's endearing. Anyway, shower. I'll be quick. 30.02 minutes."

"28.496 now, James."

"It'll take me about 10 minutes. So don't worry."

"It takes approximately 15.25 minutes to walk with you to the bridge, 25.98 if you prolong us along the way." Spock replied but stopped as Jim just remained standing with an amused grin on his face as Spock listed off these facts. Facts that any other wouldn't keep mark of or even completely bypass.

"Well, I do not hear you complaining about being prolonged." His voice held a warmth to it that overpowered the jest his words were meant to imply. However, he didn't let Spock reply as he moved out of the room and into the bathroom to start the shower.

Sonic washes were much faster, but even if Jim knew they cleaned the same (if not better) than a shower it just didn't feel the same. He relished the water hitting skin; the relaxing beat and warmth against muscles.

It took two of the three months for Spock to finally cave into Jim's illogical desire for a shower over the much more efficient means to washing, but perhaps Jim won his favor over sharing a shower or two. With Vulcans evidence is always a more compelling way to win an argument.

Jim set about starting up the shower listening as the hum and pitter patter of the water filled the room. He sighed in content at just the idea of being beneath the warm stream of water, and the cleansing wash.

He managed to get as far as pulling his shirt off as something caught his eye.

XXXXXXXX

"NO!"

Jim's shout was a harsh cry over the sound of the water and he practically tripped over himself in the escape from the bathroom; leaving him stumbling and finally falling flat on his ass back in the confines of their room.

He shook almost violently as he backed away further; not caring or noting that he had fallen to the floor but knowing that he had to get away.

He moved until his back hit the bed and let his head fall and knees slid up close. "No…no…no…"

Spock showed up almost instantly.

He had just stepped into the entrance of their room to find a meal Jim could manage to eat during the walk towards the bridge, as well as prepare for the coffee his love seemed to enjoy too much. He had at one point thought over the idea of prohibiting such an unhealthy caffeine intake. Though, he would rather appeal to this addiction than deal with a grumpy mate later during the day.

At the initial cry Spock had been quick to move, and practically ran back into the bedroom. However, what he saw stopped him in his place.

Jim was…cowering?

Spock could recall only one other time he had seen Jim in such a manner and it was when Jim had taken the age of his eight year-old self. When both Nurse Chapel and Doctor McCoy had been unable to coax the abused child from the corner.

It was almost too surreal but at Jim's repeated words, Spock found himself beside his mate and soothing his concerns, "You are fine…Ashayam…calm yourself. You are safe. You are safe."

"…Mirror…" Jim choked out and Spock stilled almost more so than he had before.

His eyes flashed to the bathroom. The shower spray still running loudly and a slight fog emitting through the crack at the base of the sliding door.

Spock rose without a comment and moved to the bathroom.

The door slid open, and Spock was ready to expect just about anything. Yet, there was nothing. Nothing to promote such fear in Jim, in his T'hy'la though he did not doubt that Jim must've seen something.

Spock went about turning the shower off and allowed the fan to pull the remaining steam from the room. What was left he wiped away from the mirror.

All he saw was his reflection.

He remained there for some time before turning to return to his mate.

XXXXXXXX

"Jim would you prefer if I stayed?"

"N-no." Jim shook his head already standing up and moving about to get ready. Though, he managed the whole routine all while completely avoiding the bathroom. Going so far as to give it a wide birth whenever he passed by. "I'm fine. You're already going to be running late as it is. Which is almost unheard of for a Vulcan." Jim turned as Spock's arms settled around him; allowing the Vulcan to guide him into the embrace.

"What did you believe you saw?"

Spock's question was one he had dared not ask earlier, but now as Jim tried to muster a smile, Spock knew that the other would be at least able to attempt to explain.

Jim remained silent again.

'_Do not carry this burden alone, share your thoughts with me, so that I may ease whatever pains plague you while you try to heal.'_

How long ago was it that Spock made such a simple request, and yet here Jim wished to keep silent; to not share what he had long since tried to store away. "Something…something I didn't think I'd see again." Jim breathed out and dipped his head against Spock's shoulder.

He couldn't.

Even upon Spock's request Jim was not prepared to share what he saw.

Spock seemed compelled to push further, but could see how these events had plagued his mate. "Allow me to remain with you today? At least until you have calmed."

"No…really. I'm fine." Jim pulled back enough to give Spock the least reassuring smile to date. "Really, I'll just take a book and hang in the mess until Chekov arrives. I'll be good as new by then and with the atmosphere that surrounds that kid. I'm sure this won't even be a blip on my daily radar." Jim hummed and leaned up to place a kiss on the corner of the Vulcan's lip, "Now go. Before Pike has to comm to see if some attack occurred or to accuse me of keeping you hostage."

"If you require me at all-"

"We are on a ship in space Spock. There's really only so far apart we can be on here. If I need you, I'll come and find you personally or I'll comm for you. Now please. Don't let me prolong you more so than I already have."

Jim chuckled and practically had to push the Vulcan out of their quarters before reluctantly Spock headed off to the bridge.

Jim waited several minutes before sinking heavily against the nearest wall. Tremors still shook his hands and he scrubbed almost to the point of pain at his eyes.

Never before had his worst dreams bleed into reality.

He breathed evenly trying to calm himself, until finally he got up off the floor. He moved further into the room, willing himself to not look, and grabbed his book to head off towards the mess hall.

He couldn't stay in that room.

XXXXXXXX

"Where's Jim?"

Chekov lifted his eyes to meet with McCoy's. Well there was someone who had managed to have disappeared over the last several weeks.

"Hello Doctor McCoy!" Chekov beamed. It wasn't too odd bumping into others in the halls on board this ship, but usually whenever Chekov saw the Doctor it was usually him accompanying Jim or matters revolving around Jim. Which brought about the good Doctor's question; where was Jim?

Chekov chewed on his lower lip in thought, "Vell, he vas just in ze mess hall. I usually meet with him at zhis hour-"

As McCoy went to march off in search of the ex-captain he was stopped by a hand reaching out to catch his arm.

"Ah! Doctor wait you vill not find him zhere!"

"God, what in the devil do you mean by that? The mess is just down the hall. If you had just met with him I doubt he has gotten very far."

McCoy managed to cross his arms and stare down at Chekov in a manner that left the younger navigator feeling much like a puppy with its tail between its legs.

"Um…well…he…zhat is, he usually meets wit Mr. Scotty in engineering after break. Usually ze Keptin leaves pretty quick, but today it seemed like he vas wery popular. A couple of ze engineers seemed to really need hiz help and took ze Keptin wiz them as soon as ve were parting ways, Sir…Doctor…."

Leonard sighed frustrated and ran a hand through his hair, "Okay so I'll head on down to Engineering then."

"May I ask iz ze Keptin in trouble? He did nyet seem like he vas awoiding anyzhing."

"No, just…Pike's going to fill him in on the mission and asked that I bring him up. Apparently you all have been miraculously closed lip about the whole thing."

Chekov seemed to tense up at this comment and looked wide-eyed up at McCoy, "Ve did not vish to inform him for fear how he'd react. Keptin Kirk is very much happier these last weeks. Ve are trying to be supportive and welcoming of his decisions. Vhy are ve telling ze Keptin if we do nyet think the mission vill be more zhen a routine drop? Vas that not vhat Admiral Pike said it vas? Iz it-did somezhing change? Vouldn't it be best to not vorry ze Keptin! He's doing better, no?"

"Chekov. Breathe okay kid. In and out." McCoy tried to ease the panic that seemed to be rising up in the young navigator and realized that he wouldn't be escaping until Chekov was calm enough to report back to duty.

Chekov breathed out heavily but looked up questioningly towards McCoy. He hadn't even tried to answer a single one of the questions asked.

"Vhy are you awoiding answering?"

"Because you're being foolish. Now listen closely. If something changed why would Pike have Jim who ain't even the Captain anymore, let alone a bridge crew member, know? We're just filling him in is all."

"Zhat is all?"

"That's all." McCoy agreed and sighed as Chekov seemed to do a quick 180 and perked right back up. "Alright well I'm glad that's all patched up. I have a Captain…dammit now look what you started. I have to go find Jim. Go report back to your shift."

Chekov chuckled at McCoy's outburst but didn't need to be told twice as he raced off towards the bridge.

McCoy on the other hand had to make his way down to engineering all in an effort to find Jim.

…

…

"Jim? No…you just missed him. Scotty had him help with the new tweaks to the engines, but Jim had a meeting with his class again so he had to leave quickly."

…

…

"Yah, he was just here. Insane how much he can rattle about only in a couple hours. He had to split us in half because the showing was too large today. The other group I think went to the mess. You'll probably find him there."

…

…

"Jim bumped into Sulu today. I guess it's the Pilot's day off, so, they took a good amount of them off to the training room with him. I'd look there."

…

…

"Dammit Sulu where is Jim?"

"Spock comm'd for him. Said Pike wished to speak with him."

"Spock…comm'd…for…him…."

"Yah. Why have you been trying to follow him around?" Sulu's laugh cut with an intense glower. "He's on the bridge."

XXXXXXXX

"Jim, dammit you pick up your comm for the Vulcan but completely ignore when I try?"

Jim and Pike look up as McCoy barged into the briefing room. Of course the Vulcan would've been the best tactic to getting Jim, so of course McCoy hadn't even thought of that until he literally was informed of the idea because it had already happened.

His scowl fell as Jim struggled to send him his usual smile.

"Damn. You already told him?" McCoy questioned his eyes flickering over to Pike as he made his way towards the pair. He squeezed Jim's shoulders in a comforting manner, willing the other strength.

"The Element's under attack." Jim breathed out, "So, were going back to where you guys found me."

This morning was long since forgotten and Jim's earlier words to Spock now filtered back through his thoughts.

'_I'm sure this won't even be a blip on my daily radar.'_

He was right. All parts of the day were forgotten as Jim realized they would be returning so close to the place where the Romulan's had dropped him in order for their planned attack. Back to the place that started that cursed year back on board the Enterprise. A year where he spent the entire time unable to remember and practically lying every day to his crew. A place where he was introduced to a charm that tore his mind in two.

Oh joy.

* * *

_**AN:** So, just finished typing this all out and realized I forgot to add in something pretty big or well...just important enough it should've been added. So Chapter One might be in four parts or I may just work it in to Chapter two...or create a whole chapter around it. I dunno yet, plus it's late and my mind is mush. _

_Anyway, hope you enjoyed. : )_


	5. The One I've Loved:Two

**__****Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**

**Warnings for all of Chapter Two…so not all may apply to this post in specific, but expect it to show up:** Language is kinda heavy here…at least from a certain Doctor of ours (Wink-Wink). Lol. Also there will be anger, angst, comfort, heavy loving (SMUT!), fluff, and hmm…other surprises in store for chapter two.

**AN:** I know I have the whole Private Messaging thing, but I like to respond to reviews so I'm just going to say thank you to those who have reviewed so far, and to all who are taking the time to read my story :)

Also, I apologize for the delayed posts. I'm trying to keep up to my EtS standards but with midterms come and gone I'm along the final crunch and my life is just Gah! Crazy. Haha. So posting will be slowed, but probably still similar to how it's been. Basically once a week but posting the chapters as a whole (all the parts to each chapter)…so expect two to four posts each week but just all at once. Its basically me spending the week writing up the chapter in my notebook during any free time and re-writing (re-working) it in a word doc when I finally have a break in the week to.

But yah back to earlier. Thank you all. ForestSprite, Ithilien Archer, AlaMac0801 you all were there during Even the Stars and it's great to see familiar names following this tale along : )

As well as the others who are showing up now! ^ ^ Thank you. Hope you enjoy.

**AN2:** Sorry again for all the angst. I promise before the end of this chapter there will be comfort, fluff, and love to appease the hurt and angst that keeps showing up.

* * *

The One I've Loved

Chapter Two (Part One):

"…_Already the Admirals have been discussing whether or not your time would be best spent exploring. After all you have already accomplished and been through, it's not really surprising this has come up now that you're back. I've been hearing word of a potential Admiral position opening up, and it seems many of them are considering you for that role. This would give you more say in matters as well as keep you close to home."_

"_And what if he wanted to captain again instead? Shouldn't there be a say in this?" _

_McCoy's voice broke over Pike's with a huff of annoyance. Overall the tone wasn't half as forceful or assertive as the doctor's usual outraged tone. It seemed as if he was almost reluctant to voice the words at all. _

"_As we already know where this is headed I feel we should not delve further on that for now. It should just be known that this seems to be the favored move the Admiralty wishes to play." Pike's voice was collected and calm but if one was to listen closely they could find the tension underlying some of the emphasized words (such as Admiralty). Just that underlying tone allowed for it to be known what Pike's views on the matter were. He obviously did not feel the same and perhaps because of this he spoke of them as a separate singularity rather than including himself in the mix. _

"_Jim? Are you really just going to sit there and not argue any of this? They're planning to ground you for heaven's sake!"_

"_Doctor McCoy, this is all just talk for now. There is no need to jump to conclusions, but just know that many seem to be in this favor. Especially given the fact that Jim had turned down returning to captaincy." _

"_Upon your request! You're the one who planted that damn seed into his head." _

"_Jim was not prepared to Captain either way and we both already know this. Me approaching him was just one additional matter that needed to be addressed. Do you really believe that it would have been better if he jumped right back in? Do you really think it wouldn't have played out that way?"_

"_And what of the Enterprise? What of the crew? You think they'll just roll over and accept this? Because you bloody well expect an uproar at the mention of such things. They just got the damn kid back! We just got him back!" _

"_We were thinking of offering Spock captaincy again. The crew seemed to react well to his command during Jim's time away. Everyone would still be offered the same positions they have now; if they wish to remain or unless they request otherwise." The words were spoken again with a practiced ease as the other did not rise to match the levels of the doctor. "The risk of Jim captaining again should be reason enough to convince the others that this is the right decision."_

"_No! This is the politically correct decision! Not the right one!" McCoy snapped the words back at the Admiral and followed with the sound of clothes rustling and heavy footfalls; all sounds of the good doctor pacing. _

"_Jim! You better tell him how foolish this is!" The request was borderline pleading and demanding as the words escaped the doctor's mouth. As he once again called attention to the surprisingly silent ex-captain. "You cannot just be alright with this bullshit?"_

_The room fell silent as the words hung in the air, and yet after several beats of this unsettling emotion a creak of a chair sounded loudly over the silence. A creak as Jim shifted forward and spoke up at last. _

"_Settle down Bones, Pike is just trying to inform us of what's going on behind the scenes, and within the minds of the Admirals." The words were barely over a whisper and another creak followed by a long exhale gave proof that Jim had settled back into his seat, "Right now there isn't much I can say. I have to think over all the possibilities." _

"_Did you not hear any of this prior conversation Jim? They __are__ planning to __ground__ you. As in stuck on Earth. As in stuck behind a desk pushing papers! Do you really understand? James T. Kirk behind a desk, kept in check and in place."_

"_I heard Bones-"_

"_Well you shouldn't be sitting pretty, you should be more—just, you should be freaking out, or throwing a tantrum, or just something!" _

"_And what good would causing that kind of commotion do at this point? Isn't an admiral position supposed to be an honor?"_

"_Honor my ass. You'll lose the Enterprise! You'll lose all of us. Spending months or years waiting for us to return from a mission. Away from your friends…your family! Hell, this will practically tear you and Spock apart."_

"_Bones."_

"_I mean, I'll stay on put here with you. So at least there is that, but you can't tell me this is what you want?"_

"_Bones."_

"_You are the Captain Jimmy! You're an explorer through and through. This is all sorts of wrong. You can't just allow this!" _

"_Doctor McCoy!"_

_Jim addressing the other by title seemed to do the trick in shutting the other man up almost instantaneously. The room fell back into a heavy silence as it remained quiet for several heartbeats. _

"_I know, alright…I know. But right now, I'm just considering all the possibilities."_

XXXXXXXX

Uhura's gasp filled the uncomfortably silent bridge with an almost shocking wave of awareness. She pivoted in her chair, yanking her earpiece out mid turn. She hadn't intended to eavesdrop on such a conversation. However, what was done was done, and there were more important issues now. It had been urgent at the time to inform the Captain, or Admiral Pike, of the incoming message from the Admirals back at Earth. Now, though, that all seemed irrelevant.

"Jim-Jim's planning on taking an Admiral position back on Earth!" She couldn't stop the words from slipping past her lips. Couldn't possibly manage to keep such events to herself.

How could this be? They had all come to an understanding that Jim needed time to heal and collect himself, but it had been all with a belief that afterwards he would be captaining again. Now they were planning to pull him away all together.

"Lieutenant Uhura. Inform me if I am wrong. Your words seem to imply that you have taken it upon yourself to listen in on a private conversation not only of this ship's Captain but of a man who is amongst our Admirals?"

"I…I know how that sounds Spock. I got a message from the other Admirals deemed urgent and figured I would just patch it through quick, but then I overheard them talking about Jim's position on the ship. The Admiralty want to keep him on Earth and Jim's considering taking the position!"

"Nyet!" Chekov spoke up clearly against Nyota's words and in disbelief at what she was trying to inform them. "Ze Keptin vould not leave us. He vill not take a pozition off ze Enterprise because vill put him away from us." He responded almost immediately in denial to any of her claims, but doubt lingered heavily over his words.

"It does make sense though…doesn't it? I mean why has Jim been continuing to turn down captaining? What if he came on board for us? What if this is all just a means to help us cope with the idea of him not captaining anymore? We still get him right now so we're all content, but we are also still growing accustomed to him not being in charge. Than when we finish this mission we return to Earth and Jim gets promoted to that position. We will all be used to the lack of his presence that maybe seeing him after every mission won't be too bad. At least we still will keep in touch with him, and like Pike, Jim will be one of the Admirals on our side helping us along on the politic side."

"Don't say such things! You're making it sound like we'd be okay if he just left us." Nyota gasped out stunned at Sulu's words, "I've been managing Jim not being Captain again only by reassuring myself that he's still here and still planning on returning as Captain. Can you really imagine this ship without Jim?"

"It vould be like he iz gone all over again!" Chekov choked out the words in horror at the possibility, "Nyet! No, ve cannot let zhis happen. We must conwince ze Keptin zhat he must stay. He could not leave us if ve were to ask. He vould not abandon us like that!"

"Spock, you have to speak to him. He'll listen to you!"

Nyota pulled Spock back into the conversation as they finally brought up the matter at hand. Everyone knew that Jim was struggling with returning to captaincy, but they all wanted him to stay on board the Enterprise. To accomplish this they needed to convince Jim not to choose something else. To convince Jim that he was capable of being the Captain.

Jim who had always let them feel important, and as if their opinion on situations mattered enough that he would rather hear them out and incorporate them than just act blindly and drag them down with him. Jim who treated them all as if he was privileged to be in their company and not the other way around. Jim who they had all grown so fond of and who belonged with them. They needed their captain back and they needed him to stay.

So, they could no longer just keep pretending everything was alright. They had given Jim time to cope and had even assisted in making his time on board more welcoming.

Now it was time to intervene, they couldn't prolong this further.

This year would be too painful on everyone without Jim as the Captain, and if he left for good they couldn't imagine how they would survive. So, Nyota stepped forward. She knew that everyone else was too afraid of stepping on toes. Yet, if it meant keeping Jim then she would gladly figure out a way to drag Jim back to the Captain's chair to stay if it took all she had.

She had earlier planned on speaking with Jim about it. Planned on sliding it into conversation during her visits with him. However, she found that faced with such a situation she could not bring herself to do it.

Now, though, here was Spock who could convince Jim. Who was the only one who could truly speak to Jim on such matters and know that the other would truly consider, if not completely accept, his word. Jim would do anything, it seemed, for the Vulcan first officer, and if Nyota had to stoop to that level than so be it.

However, that seemed to be a wishful thought.

"I cannot persuade him to do something he does not wish. I will not force my actions upon him."

Spock's response was professional and clipped and his hands folded effortlessly behind his back as he rose to face down all who had jumped and protested. He was not blind to how this was affecting the others. He had—he was still affected by it himself, but he couldn't disagree with one fact and one alone. Jim didn't believe himself ready, and he trusted Jim above all else; especially when it came to understanding oneself.

"If Jim does not wish to captain this ship then that is his own decision."

"Listen to yourself Spock!" Nyota gasped as the Vulcan gave such an unusual response. "Jim is the captain. He needs to be captain again, but he just doesn't realize it! It's the reason he can't move forward, because he's too strung up on not being back. He won't ever feel whole again if he denies who he is, and Jim is Captain of the USS Enterprise! It's who he is!"

"Jim is many things Nyota. Many of which apply to his character and personality, but Jim is still Jim even while he is not captaining the Enterprise. We have seen this first hand during his attempt to return this past year. He has much to cope with and believes that returning to captaincy will overwhelm him further. Both Doctor McCoy and Admiral Pike agree with this assessment so it is logical to as well."

"He has to be captain," She breathed out reluctantly trying to fight this still. "Can't you see if he can't be captain then he's going to go away. We can't let that happen. He's family. Being on Earth won't help him heal, not without us. Even still just look at Jim's actions over the last month. They speak louder than any words could have. He stops every time he enters the bridge just to gaze longingly at that chair. He hovers just seconds too long after his presence is no longer required just to stay up here as long as he can. Jim wants this, I know it, he's just refusing to let himself see it. He's allowing his hurt to blind him from what he needs! And it's going to take him from us."

"You requested that I listen to myself, now I recommend that you do the same." Spock replied evenly though with a slight softness to his voice. Nyota had and would always remain a close friend ever since their relationship terminated those 3.6 years ago. "Your concern is for Jim to return to captaincy so that he may finally cope. Yet, is this a wish truly for Jim's benefit or for yourself and the rest of the crew?

"Jim is struggling and has returned onto the Enterprise and into space only three months after waking up from a trauma that he tried for an entire year to fight off for our sake. I believe he has taken a much greater step than perhaps he was ready for; all in a desire to appease those of us he holds closest. He is now trying to catch himself up, and I believe that when he is ready, Jim will take that next step and return to captaincy.

"Do you truly wish to push him into taking that step before he is ready? For I would rather him be here in any form, than realize that this was a mistake and he cannot handle it all because he tried to handle more than he was prepared to cope with. If we act as you desire to we may accomplish pushing him away better than a possible Admiral position would."

Spock's brow quirked as Nyota's eyes fell. She hadn't even begun to think about it this way. They had all just assumed Jim would bounce back like he always did. No one really thought past the idea of him returning not for himself but for them; to push himself on their behalf. It was as admiral as it was foolish, and left Nyota feeling slightly guilty for having been too set on what they had believed Jim needed.

"So what is there that we can do?"

"Jim has remained unable to cope with the situation. He has progressed a great deal since his return upon the Enterprise. However, you are correct. I too believe that Jim is blinding himself with his denial to take up Captaincy to realize that such actions may in fact finish the healing he requires."

"What can we do to make him realize that continuing to refuse being Captain isn't helping? You said it yourself that if we push him towards it we could push him away." Sulu pivoted now away from his screen to look at the Vulcan. "How can we help to keep him on board?"

"Perhaps if Jim were to acknowledge on his own that he must return to captaincy. If he were to realize that he truly desires to be Captain again, then we may be able to approach the matter. However, as emotionally unstable as Jim may be he has suppressed much when it comes to this matter. He no longer broaches the topic at all and completely disregards it when brought up. I highly doubt any of us may accomplish bringing about any such changes when it comes to Jim and captaining the Enterprise."

The room seemed to fall silent after these words.

However, the words themselves were not what caused the silence, but the hiss of the door shutting behind Spock. The intake of breath at the very words not meant to be overheard.

XXXXXXXX

"You want me to react emotionally?" Jim breathed out through a suppressed hiss. His fingers curled almost to the point of strain as they held only briefly on to the pad in his hands.

"Jim."

Spock pivoted without hesitation to turn and face the other. Pike and McCoy stood just behind Jim, but were quickly forgotten as Jim's presence practically demanded the attention.

"That was what you all were talking about right? Getting me to react like a normal human would." Jim's eyes pulled away from Spock's to cast a glance around the room at the others were stuck gazing at the scene playing out. However, blue eyes didn't stray for long as Spock's own words pulled him back.

"Is that not how one normally would react in such situations?"

They were not the words anyone would've expected from the Vulcan, but they seemed to do the trick in riling Jim up.

"I don't know!" Jim snapped his hand and the pad slamming down on the nearest surface with a resounding thwap. "How would someone react to such situations, because I haven't met anyone who could relate? Hell, I've been in horrible situations and if this came up I'm pretty sure I'd pity the guy too. Actually maybe even feel good about my own life for a change, because hey! At least my life isn't that bad. But you know what, I can't.

"There isn't anyone who has faced such things, and I don't care. You hear that? I don't care or well I didn't because I figured that, hey, even as low as I have fallen I still somehow managed to have people around who can look me in the eye and not pity my continued existence. I still have _someone_ who would actually risk his own life for what was left of mine." Jim pushed forward toward the Vulcan leaving the shattered pad where it had landed as he forced the other to take a step back. A step away from the rage and hurt and frustration emitting from Jim.

"I didn't take up captaining again. So what? Big deal. Can't it be enough for any of you that I am here right now? That maybe that hero you are expecting to show up again was chipped away during that last war. That maybe this is all I have left to give. Or perhaps that's asking too much?" Jim's eyes swung around the room landing only briefly on all who were present. Landing long enough to drive the guilt to swell up and lodge in their throats.

"No. I must still need fixing because it isn't right of me to want time to just heal…maybe to have time to catch up. Maybe even time to try and sort out my life. Because things have changed. They have changed a lot since I have been back!"

Jim's eyes landed on Spock's again and he scoffed at the pain he saw resonating in the auburn eyes; one more thing to add to his list of mess ups. Now he managed to once again throw his hurt right into his lover's face. Yet, even with seeing this he couldn't find the will to stop now that it was out. Now that they asked for it.

"You want me to cope by getting emotional? Well I fucking hope that was good enough." Jim held his arms out at large as if to show for what just happened. The hand that had once held the pad was littered with shards broken off of the pad and blood slipped off only to go unnoticed.

"You want to know what else Spock? Something I've been really trying hard not to think about. Something you have all truly helped make really hard to deal with!" Jim laughed out a sound practically in hysterics as he let his hands fall once more to his side, "I want more than anything to be captain of this ship again."

* * *

**AN: **So, there is part one of chapter two...roughly 4,000 words so longer than usual (hopefully make up for all the waiting). I'm currently typing up part two which should follow with a part three, possibly four. Expect those up here soon. X )

Hope you enjoyed.


	6. The One I've Loved:TwoTwo

******__****Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**

**Warnings for all of Chapter Two…so not all may apply to this post in specific, but expect it to show up:** Language is kinda heavy here…at least form a certain Doctor of ours (Wink-Wink). Lol. Also there will be anger, angst, comfort, heavy loving (SMUT!), fluff, and hmm…other surprises in store for chapter two.

**AN:** So part Two. : )

* * *

The One I've Loved

Chapter Two (Part Two):

The words hit everyone like a sharp blow.

Here they have been trying to bring Jim back into captaining believing he had given up on the idea of captaining the ship again. Believing Jim hadn't believed himself capable of running the ship and finally letting the idea go. His words just moments ago helped solidify this statement.

_So what? Big deal_

Were those not his own words? Jim had made it so easy to see that he didn't want to be captain again. What had once been I can't seemed to morph into I won't. Yet that last sentence. The one spoken the softest of all the others. That sentence struck them all the worse.

Jim wanted to be captain again?

Was that not what they wanted? Shouldn't this be a happy moment? Shouldn't they all be rooting and joining forces to get Jim back into that seat? Hell they'd glue him to it if they could.

Yet, here and now, no one was feeling happy.

"Jim."

McCoy.

The one who had braved over all others to voice out over the silence that had fallen. No one dared even think of stepping forward and facing Jim head on, but McCoy had.

A man who had stopped at nothing to keep Jim alive just this past year, but who had oddly become distant upon his return. A man who had always been Jim's closest friend, but who had stepped back during this time of need. A man who called out harshly and bluntly during the mandatory meeting and who had written Jim down for treating them cruelly with his presence.

Here he was stepping forward to aide his hurting friend.

Jim only sent him a pleading look, one that was so brief if McCoy had blinked he would have missed it, because Jim's eyes were back on Spock. Always on Spock.

"There just so happens to be one thing that I foolishly wanted even more so than captaining." Jim smiled weakly and brushed almost annoyingly at a tear that escaped past brimming eyes. Blood smeared, unnoticed by the owner, upon his own cheek.

The entire situation seemed to be spiraling uncontrollably downward.

No one knew what to expect. They were all waiting for more words to slide past Jim's lips. One last parting sentence to finish it all off, to explain what he meant, but the man just shook his head and turned to walk away.

He made it as far as the door before he realized Spock had snapped out of the dazed trance he had fallen under at Jim's words.

"T'hy'la wait."

"Don't." Jim sighed and pivoted to send the Vulcan a watery smile, "Don't."

Jim turned around and left them all wishing that they had handled that situation differently. Had looked beyond what their eyes were showing them to what Jim had been trying to tell them all along.

XXXXXXXX

The room was left with an unsettling feeling as the doors closed leaving them all just hovering there. Jim had not only walked in on, but overheard, the wrong part of a conversation meant to help Jim. Now the ex-captain was led to believe that they only wanted him back as a captain. He couldn't understand that they wanted him there for fear of losing him otherwise.

However, Spock hadn't assisted at all! The Vulcan who declared only minutes before that his concern was for pushing Jim too far and yet there he went getting the human to emotionally blow up at him. Now all the alpha crew members present feared what the result would be because of such a turn of events.

"I hope you are might happy you damn space elf! Where do you even get off on bringing that shit up! I can't imagine you of all people could miss Jim's desire to return to captaincy. It's were the kid has always belonged and where he's always wanted to belong." McCoy growled swinging around to stare down the Vulcan, "Didn't you stop to think that maybe Jim had something else that was more important than captaining the Enterprise?"

"I would be inclined to believe that by something else you are referring to my own person."

"Don't ask me why, but the fool is head over heels for you, can't see how he could be especially looking at it now, but yah I was referring to you. However, you have to understand this is Jim we are talking about. You want to know the first thing he did when considering captaining again came up, the fool went and looked up the new regulations about relationships between same-ship officers. Old and new regulations both are pretty clear on the views of such things.

"So, in his present state of mind he knew that he wouldn't be able to cope with the idea of being back on the Enterprise and possibly losing you along with it. He'd rather sit it out.

"Damn fools been digging for plot holes for the last couple months trying to find a way that the pair of you can stay together and still remain on-board the Enterprise. The ships his home, but it wouldn't be if you weren't there…so stop pressuring him when you don't know all the facts!"

McCoy's anger was met with only a brief alteration in the Vulcan's position. A slight shift in his footing and the Vulcan was standing up straight and posed after the reprimand that left not only Chekov but all three on the side-lines plopping back down in their chairs.

Spock seemed as if compelled to walk out after Jim and yet stuck on the words that the Doctor had spoken. It seemed the later won out for the moment for Spock was compelled to reply.

"If Jim had been plagued by such things then would it not have been wise to include me? If I recall correctly relationships between terrans work in a joint manner as they do for Vulcans. So, would you care to explain why Jim would feel like he must separate me from all this."

"Because you would give anything for him!" McCoy snapped these words as a quick retaliation but calmed almost considerably after they rang back on him. "Because you would do anything to make Jim stop hurting anymore. It's as plain as day to see just by the look you get whenever you're near him. If Jim came to you with this problem—Damnit!"

McCoy seemed as if to fully realize the meaning of his own words, seeming to surprise himself with this new understanding. "Jimmy knew that if he came to you he risked losing you in favor of gaining the Enterprise. It was never a choice. He couldn't tell you."

"I admit confusion at your words, Doctor. Please explain to me why Jim seeking my assistance would cause such a reaction?"

Spock turned to look at McCoy and it seemed to drag everyone along with him.

It was becoming obvious now that their initial thought of McCoy's and Jim's relationship was wrong. McCoy hadn't become distant since Jim's return. He just took up a different role.

McCoy had stepped aside because Jim needed him too. He had spent the past several weeks researching for the fool on every regulation or code that did not allow relationships on board a ship. He had promised to be straightforward with Jim when he stepped over a line, because Jim couldn't step over that line between being on board and being captain.

Jim knew he couldn't be Captain. If he so much as sat back on that chair he threatened everything. He could lose Spock, questions could be brought up and answers thrown to the surface about how the ship was running. New regulations and codes that had formed during Jim's two year absence left too many holes to dig through in order to find a plot hole. In order to keep his family together.

And here McCoy had stepped up to aide Jim on the sidelines. To be the man Jim couldn't ask Spock to be. Spock who he needed a different form of support from. McCoy would be harsh because Jim needed it, but also diligent because Jim deserved it.

Though, it was further than that. Pike had become involved long before McCoy.

Pike had been involved as soon as Jim woke for real and it became apparent that what Pike had seen wasn't just a show of loyalty between a First Officer and his Captain. Pike was the one to drop the ball, but he was also willing to help Jim catch it.

He offered his help and when Jim requested him to take up captainship of the Enterprise in Jim's place, because asking Spock would bring up too many questions. Because Jim couldn't cope on so many levels yet. Pike agreed.

There was a tension both from Pike and from Bones. Neither enjoying Jim's refusal to include Spock in on this. This tension bled deeper into discomfort and annoyance the longer they were on board the Enterprise and Jim continued to refuse to include Spock. But now. Now there was only pity at themselves for having not realized why Jim would wish not to share with Spock. Why Jim would be adamant and stubborn…even fearful of such a thing.

McCoy felt foolish for having taken until now to see it.

"Jim still can't see why you would choose him. Hell, the kid can sing any word you need to hear on command, but take a good ol'look and you'll see he's terrified you'll open your eyes and realize he ain't good enough. Too many people have left him throughout his life for him to not feel that doubt.

"But even still Jim is fighting to stay with you because he knows that deep down you don't wish to leave him. You don't want to and that is why he couldn't tell you. Think 'bout it Spock. Who out of everyone here wants Jim back in the captain's seat more than anyone else? Because as much as that sounds great to me or any of the other crew members, you want it more than just for yourself.

"You want Jim back there because you want Jim to feel normal again. To stop hurting as he has. You want him to be happy again above all else?"

McCoy paused to laugh at this. Of course it had been so obvious but he hadn't even stopped to consider this until now. Until his own words hit him smack dab in the face.

"You would give anything for Jim even if potentially that meant terminating a relationship that could tear his "family" apart and possible cost Jim his position permanently. He's read all the new and old regulations Spock. He knows you have too. And you know what?

"Jim knows you, and that's good enough to doubt what would happen if he included you. He was afraid you would make a choice he wouldn't make. That you would let him go all in an effort to make things right once more. All in an effort to give Jim what he needs.

"Jim would become captain again, and without a relationship tying him down or hanging a threat over his head then all of us could remain together. No one would be forced to leave. Everything would be back to normal."

Spock went to speak but McCoy sent the other his most threatening glare as if to say you hold put until I'm done.

"Now you listen to me, and listen good. Jim would rather give up captaining entirely if it meant he could be with you. But if you made him, if you did all that for him, he would bend himself backwards in an effort to return day after day to that Captain's chair. He would smile and pretend everything is alright until he ain't Jim no more but a shell of who we really want, because above everything else Jim doesn't want to pretend that what you two have never existed. Damn fool wants you Spock."

"Doctor. If you are done, I would now like to follow after my Jim so that I may conclude what I had tried to accomplish earlier. You have heard it yourself…Jim wishes to be captain. I had not expected matters to play out as they had, but found this to be a situation that could not be passed up. Now that he has had roughly 10.4 minutes to himself in a means to 'cool down.' I would like to go to my mate to sooth away the hurt I have placed. If you continue to block my path or prolong this, I will be forced to physically move you." Spock quirked a brow at the doctor, "I apologize for the forwardness of my words but they are true all the same."

"What the blazes do you mean by that!"

"Jim needed to see that he could still be captain so to overcome his denial…so that he can heal." Sulu whispered out the response in amazement.

That seemed to make more sense than the Vulcan suddenly arguing with Jim as he had.

"You emotionally compromised Jim so that he could get over some impassible hurtle?"

"Jim had used a similar method towards me back during Nero's attack. I had just altered the scenario in his favor. However, I would insist that you not mistake this as me wishing only to get Jim back to Captaincy, or be foolish to believe that I will so easily dismiss his views on the matter. I have been aware that James wishes to keep things as they are between us, I would be more inclined to assist in focusing on him having both, rather than having to choose one over the other."

Spock once again shifted in the only sign that he was growing impatient at being prolonged.

"Lucky for you he didn't react as brashly."

"I would say that his reaction was worse than if he had struck out." Spock replied evenly the brief admittance to being affected by Jim's words seemed to still any of the doctor's remaining anger. The Vulcan's words seemed to bring home the fact that Spock had just willingly allowed himself to take upon Jim's anger and hurt so as to help push Jim past his denial.

"Fine, but this ain't over." McCoy threatened, "Go…you're probably the last and first person he wants to see anyway. Just make sure you bring him down to sickbay after to fix up that hand. And I will hold you accountable for that! You hear!"

"I will try and persuade Jim after we have finished our discussion."

"Very well. Go on get. Go make right, and for the love of all that's holy don't let that boy tell me about it after word!"

If Spock's lips curled up at the doctor's words well no one saw it as he was already passing through the doors in search of his beloved.

* * *

**AN:** Sorta ended on a happier note...? Anyway more to come with Spock searching out Jim...more happier stuff...fluffy stuff...smutty stuff...? haha. We'll see. Hopefully turns out good. Hope that didn't get too depressing tried to keep it emotional but straightforward ^ ^.

Wonder if anyone saw Spock having played Jim as he did? Sneaky Vulcan. : )

Part Three will be up within the hour. Expect it soon...also. Probably something surprising if not slightly unexpected. No plot twists so don't worry there won't be any vanishing acts haha.


	7. The One I've Loved:TwoThree

_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._

**Warnings for all of Chapter Two…so not all may apply to this post in specific, but expect it to show up:** Language is kinda heavy here…at least form a certain Doctor of ours (Wink-Wink). Lol. Also there will be anger, angst, comfort, heavy loving (SMUT!), fluff, and hmm…other surprises in store for chapter two.

**Warning2: **Really. This chapter is m/m, smut, slash, etc. Also some light fluff and lingering angst but barely. Basically some loving to tie over for all the hurt so far. So, yah. Don't like don't read : )

**AN:** Second attempt at spirk scene...on the heavier side. So, besides the blushing fit on my end, haha. I hope you all enjoy. : )

* * *

The One I've Loved

Chapter Two (Part Three):

Sand.

It sunk and expanded with each step that he took. No matter which way he looked the sand rose and fell leaving a vast openness with no hint of an ending. It was different this time.

The sand was white like fine salt grains, and this time no mirrors stuck up out of the dunes or lay shattered around him. This time it was just sand. Expanse and continual; nothing but miles of miles of it leaving him stuck. Leaving him alone with infinite possibilities of which heading to take.

His feet seemed compelled to drag him one way but then suddenly he would find himself back tracking or meeting his own steps once more.

He sunk to the ground exhausted and alone.

Only when it seemed like all was going wrong did he notice the sound of crunching sand. As another set of feet made their way towards his position.

_You are not alone. Never alone._

Jim sighed out an exhausted but hopeful sigh and turned from his position to welcome Spock. To allow himself to welcome the understanding that even when all seemed too much and an impossible trek back to reality; that there is hope. That he is not alone.

He turned recalling these events each time in a different manner but usually the same.

He would return to his Vulcan and either: continue with a pleasant dream, or wake to find himself in the arms of the very Vulcan in his dreams.

_Spock_

Barely a mouthed syllable before he pivoted to greet the other.

Barely a blink before his eyes took in all the red.

No longer were the sands pristine and white. Now they were stained with a viscous liquid.

_What have you done?_

_XXXXXXXX  
_

"Jim?"

His eyes clenched shut at the words and took a shaky breath as they cracked open again. Opened up to an entirely different setting.

Grass.

A field with life and abundance of warmth. He was still sitting perched against a tree shadowed from a none-existent sun just trying to reign in his thoughts.

The holodeck. How could he have forgotten that he was here? How did he allow his mind to wander so far from his surroundings and wind up where he had.

Blue lifted to meet auburn, and realized that Spock had shifted now to join him upon the grassy field. Spock whose eyes held a mixture of concern but also confusion. Probably well-deserved confusion at that. Jim could only imagine the sight he made looking around as if surprised by the surroundings he found himself in; even though he had been the one to plug it in to the projector.

"May I request where you had gone just now?"

Spock wasn't one to beat around the bush. At times he would remain silent, or determine silence the better option, if he felt the situation required a less direct approach. Apparently this wasn't one of those times.

"Go away, I am still mad at you." Jim wasn't one to dance around a subject either and now that he was fully aware of the Vulcan before him; he was reminded why he was in the holodeck in the first place.

"A fact that has not slipped my notice. However, I have come to a conclusion that I no longer wish for you to hold this anger towards me any longer than you already have."

Spock shifted enough to place himself alongside Jim but still facing the other, still hovering just before the other.

"Oh did you now? And what if I disagree? What if I feel I have every right to remain angry at you for longer than I already have?"

Spock seemed to believe the best response to this was to not respond at all. Rather he leaned forward and promptly caught Jim's lips with his own in a chaste kiss. However, when Jim tried to delve deeper Spock pulled back to gaze upon the other.

"I may try and persuade you otherwise."

Cool fingers lifted to stroke at smoothed skin leaving a pleasant trill at the touch. Jim lifted his gaze wordlessly at the touch; tilting into it to further the contact, and yet struggling with the idea that he should want to pull away.

His thumb stroked soothingly at the skin of Jim's cheek.

Jim hummed and allowed for Spock to angle his chin up to clash lips once again. Yet, again as Jim tried to deepen the action Spock pulled away. Though, this time remaining to slid down and place feather light kisses along the expanse of his now exposed throat. The gentleness and care mixed pleasantly with the tingling warmth each press of the lips brought with it.

"A-and how do you see that working out…?" Jim breathed out his head already falling back against the tree in order to allow the Vulcan more room to work. Light kisses turned into loving bites quickly soothed over by a silken tongue.

A moan began to work its way up towards his lips but before any sounds could escape Spock pulled away again. The moan morphed into a groan of frustration as the Vulcan pulled just out of reach, "Do you still hold anger towards me, my Jim?"

"Keep going…I think it might've been working." Jim breathed out reaching to pull the Vulcan back down and against him. Letting their lips meet once again, though this time in a fierce battle of desire, but with lingering anger wishing to be smothered like the remnants of an unwanted flame. It would be easy to grow out of control if left to its own devices or urged onwards. However, handled carefully, it could be put out.

Jim pulled the Vulcan's hips to settle firmly on top of his own bucking up in an effort to gain some much wanted friction. Spock seemed more than welcomed to comply as he drove his groin against Jim's own.

Their fierce kisses seemed to melt into a simple desire to taste the other. A hum of content settled from Jim as Spock gave willingly to all his unspoken requests.

However, as the actions changed from fierce to lax, the desire began to bud and a new sort of kindling was beginning to grow as Jim's hands pressed against the Vulcan's hips and back urging for more.

Their position and surroundings seemed to hover over everything else and slowly Spock settled to stop Jim's action. Coaxing the other into a less passionate kiss. One that spoke of sweetness and love rather than lust and need. Clashing of lips turned into soft movements until finally Spock left only a single kiss pressed to the corner of his lips before nuzzling against into the crook of Jim's neck.

"Ashayam…you should have informed me."

Spock's words were a comforting and warm breath against sensitive skin; sending a pleasant shiver along Jim's spine but not urging him back towards the earlier drive.

"Bones told you then?"

"I had begun to expect, but after you had fled the bridge the good doctor insisted that I not leave until it was known exactly what you had sacrificed on my behalf."

"Spock."

"I had not requested for you to make such decision concerning me. I regret that I had not thought earlier on to seek out answers to such questions that have plagued your every thoughts. I, however find myself unsure on why it was you believed I would not wish to assist you with this task." Spock pulled back to gaze down at Jim, his hand still resting upon the others cheek returned to the gentle caressing it had done earlier.

"I can understand your fear Jim, know that I would rather remain with you as much as you seem to desire to remain beside me. So, I request you no longer convince yourself that I will one day wake and this desire will disappear. You are my T'hy'la, my other half. I will never love another as I do you."

Jim's expression softened as he lifted enough to press a lingering kiss to the Vulcan before settling back once more.

"That word should have a warning applied with it." Jim huffed out his eyes bright and loving as they gazed back at the Vulcan, any sign of lingering anger completely washed away. "May cause hearts to turn to goo upon spoken."

"The word goo is unknown to me Jim? Though, I believe I understand the meaning supplied by the context of your sentence."

"You make loving you easy, Spock." Jim replied as an answer and chuckled at the warmth emitting back from the Vulcan's auburn eyes. "You're lovely." Jim breathed out still amazed time and again that he was truly here. Truly living this life he had never expected to return to let alone hope for.

"Thank you, Ashayam."

Jim smiled at the obviously uncomfortable response to the complement. He wouldn't push the subject of the Vulcan being modest now, instead focusing in on Spock's earlier comment.

"Spock, you have to understand that I wasn't kidding when I said I'm not quite ready to be back yet. I know everyone is just holding onto threads when it comes to trying to wait for me to get back, but I'm not there yet. I am getting there though."

"So, then I may be inclined to believe that you are not intending to accept the admiral position they are planning to offer you?"

"Where you all listening in to our conversation?" Jim laughed out at this, taking it surprisingly better than the Vulcan had imagined when he let the sentence slip without further consideration on what he had just revealed.

"Lieutenant Uhura may have been privy for a part of the conversation. However, she was aware that we had been informed that it was a private affair. She believed that an urgent message from the admirals exempted regards for privacy."

"Until she overheard what we were discussing?"

"Affirmative." Spock's response was simple and to the point, similar to Jim's usual 'got it in one' comment.

Jim seemed fine with that for it allowed him to return to his earlier state of mind. "Even if I was prepared to take back captaincy I would've done the same. I no longer want to think about life as day by day. I've lived so long under those standards, because that was just the life I have always had. I never knew what tomorrow would bring so would take each day as if it could be my last. I don't want that anymore. I have you now, and you've grounded me in a whole new way that I've never known before. So, when it comes to risking what we have I'd rather not leap right into this fight.

"When I get captaincy back, and I will, I don't want them to tear us apart. I won't survive if they do that. So, I know that I should've told you, but relationships…they never really last when it comes to me. I felt foolish, but I'd prefer to be safe than sorry. Know that I was always planning on telling you as soon as I had found some way around these new regulations."

"Very well. You are forgiven."

"How kind of you." Jim teased, "Now that I have answered your concerns may I return to enjoying your soothing my anger away."

"I believe that I have already accomplished this feat Jim."

"Very well, than I wish to continue to enjoy your company, and your mouth, and your hands…" Jim trailed off letting his lips brush against the Vulcan's upon the word and his hand lifted to wrap around the others.

Spock allowed this going so far as to return the open mouth kisses and part his lips to the exploring desires of the other. It was while keeping preoccupied with these ministrations that Jim seemed to not truly notice the Vulcan altering their position against one another. It was with complete disregard to everything besides the taste of the Vulcan's tongue against his own or the feel of silken hair beneath his touch, that Jim remained unaware.

At some point Jim's legs were altered to wrap around the Vulcan's waist. At some point Jim's arms shifted to cling fully to the other. Yet, as Spock rose to stand it became suddenly clear what had all transpired.

Jim's legs were caught up by the Vulcan's hands, resting one upon his upper thigh to keep him in place and the other at the small of his back keeping him pressed up close.

The change in position was startling enough that Jim pulled away from the Vulcan's lips and his arms slid around to hold on behind Spock's neck.

"Spock!" Jim cried out in amusement as the other walked as if Jim was no added weight at all. "Alright, fine I get your point, set me down and we can walk."

"I prefer you as you are." Spock replied evenly and Jim most definitely caught that spark in those auburn eyes at the words.

"Oh no you will not carry me all the way back down to our room. I'm not some child!" Jim huffed trying to unwrap himself from the Vulcan but finding the other had managed to secure Jim's placement against him.

"I-I command you to put me down!" Jim chided, but then gasped out a surprised exhale as suddenly his position changed. He recalled only one other time being carded around in such a manner and it was back with Giotto. He felt like a sack of potatoes as Spock effortlessly swung him over his shoulders.

"As you are still currently not my Captain I respectfully refuse to acknowledge your request."

Jim couldn't stop the laughter at the situation. Even now as they were making their way through the halls he was unsure if he should be angry or stunned by the Vulcan's display.

Amusement seemed the only card capable of surfacing as well as annoyance. At least it was late enough at night that they managed to only pass one cadet and if the surprised gasp was anything to go by, Jim was sure this would be the talk of tomorrow if not the week.

"I will find some way to get you back for this." Jim huffed out but was cut short as he was hoisted back over and landed with an oomph upon their bed.

Spock crawled along the length of Jim settling just so against the other; so that the friction stirred away the annoyance and humor and drove lust and need back into play.

Jim's hands lifted almost immediately to pull the Vulcan down further and met in a quickly building kiss. One that didn't linger long as suddenly realization that too many clothes stood in the way.

Shirts went first and Spock paused to catch a pebbled nipple between his teeth only to soothe out the bite with a lathering tongue. He may not have been as responsive to such stimulation, but enjoyed how such a small action could immediately bring his mate to a writhing, moaning, incoherent mess.

"ngh!" Jim cried out arching against the others mouth as he swapped to pay attention to the other. As this continued his fingers trailed lower and set to work freeing Jim from the confines of his pants.

Jim caught on and his fingers lowered to assist in shimming out of the constraining and no longer necessary article of clothing; allowing his boxers to slide off alongside it.

"You too." Jim breathed clawing at the Vulcan's own bottoms in an effort to even out the playing field. It didn't take long for them to get rid of the remaining pieces of clothing. Finally leaving the pair to once again take in the fullness of each other. "So…stunning…mine." Jim practically purred the words as he pushed Spock back down upon the bed.

Open mouth kisses trailed down the length of the Vulcan heading to the desired location. There wasn't any teasing or foreplay as Jim dove right in to take what he wanted, humming in appreciation around the gift.

His tongue mapped out the length and he sucked and bobbed until those almost none existent gasps escaped past the Vulcan's lips. He continued further driving more sounds out before Spock seemed to deem it enough. Their positions changed without much notice as Spock took to returning the favor. However, his goal was beyond just pulling noises from his mate as he worked the organ to completion relishing in the orgasmic cry torn from kiss-bruised lips.

Sated and lax Jim fell back upon the bed, his legs parted and welcoming for what more was to come. Fingers slid in effortlessly. Two quickly followed by three until they were pumping in without restraint and curling in search.

A gasp and an arch brought desire brimming back through Jim's entire being. With the spot found, fingers worked effortlessly in pulling Jim back up to meet Spock's own arousal. Jim was gasping and pleading for more and not to stop. Unsure truly what he wanted as his mind fell into the warm haze brought out by such events.

Spock complied with the former sinking in to the tight passage slowly until the two of them were one.

Jim's channel clenched at the intrusion as if to keep it in but his hips rocked compelling movement. Requesting more.

Thrusts were languid but quickly increased in speed until skin slapped against skin and both parties were lost in the rhythm; in the heat of the moment. Driving against the other to seek out completion.

Spock's fingers stroked along Jim's face allowing the other flashes of what he himself felt; pulling shocks of ecstasy from Jim's lips as he was continually worked into. Jim's own hands clasped firmly to the Vulcan holding on with one hand while the other remained twined with Spock's free hand.

A shift in position and Spock was striking that spot once more and Jim's mind was lost. His head thrown back as wave after wave fell over him. Spock allowing himself to be dragged alongside.

"God…I love you."

...

...

"Jim...Bond with me?"

Jim hummed in acknowledgement and breathed out a question that rang loudly at the request, "Already bonded...I thought?"

"I wish to return to my people...to complete a traditional bonding ceremony and fully link our minds and our persons as one."

...

...

"Wait so basically you're asking me to marry you?"


	8. The One I've Loved:Two Four

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **You probably won't expect what's coming at the end of this chapter. Fair warning : X

**AN:** So, basically I wish last chapter was the end of chapter two. Really what an ending? Haha. Hopefully a good thing…perhaps a little too soon, but honestly I had meant for it to be a part of chapter one. So, I guess it was always meant to be soon.

Anyway. The end of Chapter two is where things start to get more action-y…So, woot? Haha. Now it's the start of me having fun ^ ^ bwa-ha-ha. lol.

Hope you enjoy...you may hate me. I apologize in advance. Please no flames X/

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Two (Part Four):

Jim woke to the sound of the Vulcan setting about his morning routine. However, it was hours too early.

"Spock…cold. Come back." Jim breathed reaching his arm out to the other but barely getting it far before it fell to drape over the Vulcan's side of the bed.

"I must return to the bridge, as you are not required to wake for two more hours I had hoped not to wake you. Sleep Jim, I will see you after first shift."

Spock's footsteps were almost none existent as they approached but Jim had grown accustomed to listening for even the faintest sounds, so he knew when the Vulcan was beside him. He wasn't surprised when a second blanket settled over his shoulders, and he was turning to accept the soft press of lips before the Vulcan had to leave.

Jim was too tired to linger further on it, though regretted that was as far as a parting he had given.

XXXXXXXX

"Fiancé."

"Vulcan mating ceremony." Jim corrected glaring over a cup of coffee at the other man.

"So in normal people talk I'd say that sounds like getting hooked, Jimmy. Which makes you the fiancé."

"Shut up Bones, it's too early for you to be proving my own thoughts correct."

Jim had barely managed to roll out of bed let alone walk through his morning routine before the doctor showed up to bandage a completely forgotten about hand.

"At least I pulled the shards out before Spock showed up."

"I don't care what you did. All I care about is what you hadn't done. Which was come to sickbay!" McCoy grumbled as he set to work cleaning wounds.

Jim chuckled but allowed his hand to remain captured as he turned his gaze to his cup of coffee. Ah, the simple pleasures in life. Like free time to reprogram the replicators to no longer produce the brown sludge they once deemed as coffee.

The cup settled letting the liquid still, as Jim waited for it to cool down some. Not that he didn't enjoy the coffee hot, just he wasn't willing to mix in creams and sugars to cool it down this morning and thus found himself with a slightly overheated beverage.

His eyes lingered upon the dark surface as its stillness brought with it a reflective quality. Jim tensed and shoved the drink away harshly. The liquid sloshing at the rapid movement and splattering over the table.

"Jim?"

Jim's eyes were focused on the spilt cup of coffee.

"Jim!"

Blue flashed up to lock on to McCoy's gaze, the doctor had at some point released his hold on Jim's hand and Jim realized now that his hands were trembling. He clasped the bandaged hand in his other; pulling them close.

"Burnt myself. Sorry, wasn't expecting it." Jim chuckled and turned to gaze at the bandages wrapped on his hand. He wiggled his fingers and gazed with an amused look at the Doctor, "What no magic healing tricks? Just alcohol to disinfect and gauze to wrap it up."

"Magic."

McCoy cooed waving his hands as if the two spoken items were the embodiment of the word. "I'm not going to waste regenerating skin when it'll heal up within a day or two. You can survive that, and maybe next time you won't go smashing your things when they're in your hand. Actually might as well just not smash things altogether, knowing you, you'd probably just manage to get hurt all the same."

Jim chuckled and wiped at his hands. He went to stand up to get something to clean the spill.

"Ow! Dammit!" Jim cursed McCoy as he was struck with a hypo to the neck, "What happened to the whole being nice about those things!"

"You stopped being a cute lil kid and grew up." McCoy began to pack up his things but smiled as Jim rubbed petulantly at his neck. However, this didn't stop him from getting up and returning to clean up the spill. "Didn't know you to be so clean Jimmy."

"Hmm? Oh, new habit I picked up with living with a Vulcan." Jim huffed and at McCoy's smart look he leaned forward, "I can tell you how persuasive he can be? In detail."

"Please don't. I already struggle daily with the idea of you two. Let's leave it at that."

Jim chuckled as McCoy finished, earning a whack to the head as he moved to sit across from Jim. The Doctor watched Jim for a good few minutes before settling back, "So you're doing okay than?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Jim looked up trying to read into the question but seemed unable to read the expression on McCoy's face, as the Doctor tried to mimic Jim's own desire and read into the expression on Jim's face.

"What with returning to the Element, than yesterday's fiasco."

"Yah…that was a bundle of joy." Jim replied smartly. Without his cup of coffee his hands felt empty and hovered momentarily as if to be examined before shifting to comfortably rest alongside him.

"But really you're handling this all really well."

"You say that one more time and you'll probably accomplish freaking me out. I'm assuming that's the intended goal?" Jim sat up to look at Bones and scowled at him for not revealing more.

"What with us arriving today…I assume Spock told ya 'cuz he got pulled up to the bridge at some ridiculous hour. Add to that he and the security team were the only ones to beam over…I'd say I was expecting you to be throwing a pretty fit. Yet, here I find you still hardly out of bed and freaking not about this but about the Vulcan's proposal. Which we will address again later, because I dunno Jimmy this all seems pretty fast."

"It's different though…better, but so much more certain. Like every part of me knows that he's who I'm supposed to be with. Who I need to be with. One of a whole…Wait? Sorry hold up...Did you just say Spock went over onto the Element?" Jim's smile fell as his eyes became dilated and sharp as the words finally caught up. Curse sleep muddled brain functions.

"Yah, watched him and your buff security guard beam off with two others. Apparently the attacks stopped, but they're experiencing difficulties still communicating and a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo talk. Really the new regulations won't let many people off this ship till the location is all scoped out. Could be people dying or injured over there and here we all are just sitting tight."

"…"

Jim had fallen oddly silent at this his mind racing.

"I-I need to go." Jim stood up sharply, freaking McCoy out in the process as he pushed away from furniture and tripped over items in his haste to get out of the room.

"Jim!"

McCoy didn't hesitate as he took off after the other. Jim was fast and it seemed that McCoy had only accomplished in sparking a light beneath his feet because nothing was stopping Jim from reaching his desired goal.

"Pike!" Jim burst onto the bridge with McCoy following in only moments after.

"Jim. What are you doing? Right now you cannot be here, Doctor McCoy please take Jim back to his quarters or off this bridge."

Jim only now realized the red alert alarms blaring. He shrugged out of McCoy's hold as the doctor tried to pull him off. "No." Jim barely breathed the words as he looked out at the damaged space station before them. It had never looked brand new but now it…there were definitely regions missing now from the once whole station.

"You-You just let them go on there!" Jim turned fiercely to look at Pike. "How could you okay that! What-whose bright idea was it to send a team over. We should be transporting survivors off. That place looks like its collapsing!"

"Jim I will not repeat myself again, you are not permitted to be here. Now you have to leave."

"Why are they over there! Why are my men on that trap? Why is Spock over there!" Jim snarled approaching the captain before an arm caught him and pulled him back.

"Jim you are overreacting kid." McCoy breathed out harshly, "Pike couldn't really do much else. The new regulation requires security to do sweeps first before anything else, allowing the first officer as the only commanding officer to beam with them."

"Fuck the new regulations." Jim cursed swinging to glare at Bones, "Why didn't anyone tell me we were just going to beam them like that. Hell why didn't either of you tell me we'd be arriving so soon?"

"Jim-"

"Spock is over there and I want him back! I don't care how that sounds get my men off that station!"

"Jim!" Bones tried once again to grab the others attention. However, a new voice lifted over both of theirs as Nyota shouted in concern.

"Pike!"

XXXXXXXX

Jim couldn't recall how he ended up on the floor.

He remembered the ship shaking and that probably had something to do with it, but now all he could do was barely push himself up.

There must be voices going on around him. Outside of the high pitched hum blaring like white noise in his ears, there were muddled voices. He felt someone trying to tug at his arm, but shook them off. His head throbbed dully, he must have hit it when he fell.

Pushing up, he had to stand up. Had to see what was going on. Had to…had to check something.

Had to look for something…

…

…

…

Jim pushed up turning to face the view screen looking out at space.

Looking out at the Element…the Element?

Looking at where the Element had been.

Where an explosion of fire and metal was now in the place of an old space station.

…

…

…

Had to check.

Had to…

…

…

…

"SPOCK!"

Jim's cry tore through him as realization honed in.

He was staring at the remains of a station that only moments before he had learned Giotto, and two others were. Where Spock was...had been.

"NO!" Jim cried slumping back as nausea and pain and terror and disbelief sent him crumbling back to the floor. Sent him staring numbly out at the quickly dispersing explosion.

Noise was muddled around him.

A loud hum burned in his ears.

Spock was on that station.

Spock was gone.

How could…that wasn't supposed to happen.

* * *

**AN: **bum. bum. bum.

Hate? It gets worse...I'll probably not be able to post till next Friday. Yay for horrendous cliffhangers. I am sorry, but there is a point to this. Please don't hate too much. There's so much more in store. : )


	9. The One I've Loved:Three

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **Twists and plot furthering. Beside that…it's a pretty tame-ish chapter.

**AN: **Yah, so basically last post was cruel *smile* and this one will probably be interesting *smile again* it's part One of Chapter Three, though it will be a little disconnected from the rest of chapter three. So, I figured I'd give it to you all now and spend more time on the other parts, just to tie you over. Or make up for last post : )

I hope that said last post didn't send anyone running in a direction away from this story. Know now that as I said in EtS I would not kill anyone off without putting warnings way back at the beginning, in the summary, or even just at the beginning of the chapter. Plus really I can't kill Spock. I basically love Jim and him as a whole. One without the other is like…like a Reese's peanut butter cup without the peanut butter. Just chocolate is good but gah! it's so-so much yummier with peanut butter.

Lol. Random and now I want chocolate but that is beside the point. Point is. Here there will be Spock! And a beginning of some major plot twists. Familiar and yet oh so different. Oh so different. Promise. Haha. Sorry in advance :D

**AN2: **Also, um…I guess I sorta just went in for the whole proposal thing without thinking much on it. Okay that's not true. I did think on it and it will actually tie in again later (spoilers sorry), but I'm getting an impression that it didn't hit well? I dunno. Sorry if it's not your cup of tea. It's not really a huge piece of the puzzle, or of this story, so I really hope you don't just turn away. Anyway, proposal isn't even right; it's the Vulcan bonding ceremony. Cuz, well I find that great, like the concept of fully bonding, but yah. It is actually going to tie in to something later…something necessary. So, if you don't like, I guess all I can say is sorry I'm keeping it. : /

Otherwise. I hope this isn't going super-fast pace for you all. I am at odds of this going too slow but also too fast. Hopefully you all are not getting turned off by this.

Though, really, I guess it shouldn't matter. Write for myself ^ ^ just stating what's on my mind, though I do like when everyone is happy.

Otherwise please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Three (Part One):

It was an unusual occurrence for Vulcans to feel anything, or perhaps continually feel something. By this point it was no longer worth trying to convince others that Vulcans don't feel. If anything, they feel more so than many others. They just use a practiced control to take those emotions and seal them away.

It was all in an effort to not allow emotions to rule them; to not allow emotions to control their decisions. Instead they followed the teachings of Surak and turned to logic and reason as a guide.

Since Jim's disappearance Spock felt confusion when faced with emotions versus his old customs. He felt strongly for the loss of his planet after Nero's attack, and even more so for the loss of his mother. However, both did not compare to the initial loss of Jim (a loss that wasn't even a for sure forever).

Yet, old customs allowed him to lock away those emotions. They allowed him to set them aside and cope in the inner workings of his mind. During Nero's attack Jim had pushed Spock to react, to succumb to the pull of his emotions. Jim managed to pull the placed aside emotions to the forefront and drove them out like a much needed breath.

It was cruel, his capabilities to do such a thing, and at the time Spock found that the emotions left him even more conflicted than ever before. However, he found himself able to better accept what had happened and eventually move forward (something that many remaining Vulcans still are currently struggling with).

Jim had a way of seeing past Spock's walls and knowing just when to push and step in; even if Spock could not see it at the time. This was perhaps one of the initial reasons Spock sought out a friendship with the other. It was also one of the reasons he was constantly at odds with the brash and emotional man over that first year.

Jim had a way of driving his way into the lives of those who surround him. No one seemed aware that it happened, and many begin opposed to any sort of idea resembling it. However, no one was more oblivious to this trait than the man himself. Jim did not realize his own effect on the others, but it was true all the same.

He drove others to a greater depth, and pushed them to want to excel not because of any words of his. He drove them to want this because of how openly he readily believed in them. Jim could look at anyone and see capabilities that they possessed; that they, themselves, were not aware of. That they had always believed to beyond their limitations.

Jim was an annoying and brash fool upfront, but beyond that he was unquestionably wise, possessively protective, and a compelling force that no other compared to. He was a unique and intriguing individual, and it was without question that Spock had been doomed to fall for him from the moment they crossed paths. Jim's alteration of his program and his watching of them play out were only leading up to when auburn met blue for the first time. At that moment there was really no turning back.

Jim allowed Spock to see that emotions could belong without the fear of them dictating actions. That even logic needed some basic emotions to help better determine answers. That some event needed more than a logical answer sometimes they required hope.

When Jim had been returned to the Enterprise, it had been too late for Spock to seal himself away in his Vulcan armor once again. He had already displayed his inner self too openly to fully step back into such old customs. Jim had changed Spock; for better or for worse, it had happened all the same.

There was an acceptance that he had emotions, because of Jim.

So, when Spock awoke he knew what he felt was confusion, and rather than try to skirt away from it he allowed himself to search out the reasons behind such an expressive emotion. He was unsure how it was that he wound up waking in this place, but more particularly he was confused by the fact that he could not recall where he was at all. This was not something he was accustomed to. Vulcans memories are photographic, in a Terran way of putting it, though they were far greater in a sense. He had always and constantly been aware; aware of place, of time, just always fully aware of being.

However, right now he was completely unsure. He did not recognize his location, he could not recall or place what time of day it was, he was unsure of so much.

The last event that he could recall was of being present on board the Element Space Station. He had beamed aboard alongside Chief of Security Giotto as well as Giotto's choice of two security officers.

Spock could recall that after beaming aboard, they had been met with an empty vessel. It was not something any one of them had foreseen, but it did explain why the Enterprise had continuously been unable to receive any more signals or transmissions from the station.

The possibility that the members on board this space station had been taken hostage seemed most likely. The odds were far greater in this favor when they realized there was not a single body, on this station, to be found. Yet, to be sure the four of them split into pairs and went about combing the entirety of the Element to see if anyone turned up, or if there were any clues to be found.

He recalled that he had been alongside Giotto after the initial split. Chief Officer Giotto had been among the first to volunteer to beam aboard the Element; the reason for this was obvious, perhaps not to every one, but to the Alpha crew in particular it was indeed obvious.

When the mission came in, many of the alpha crew members felt that something was off about it or that it did not sit right with them. They had barely had Jim back with them for months now and already they were turning around to return to the place they had found him. Well, had believed to have found him.

This mission didn't sit well with them, and thus Spock was also among the first to welcome the chance to seek out answers. Regulations permitted him as one of the few besides the security officers who were allowed to do such things, and he welcomed the opportunity.

Finding no one on board the space station only brought home the fact that something was off with this mission, but it also brought with it a wave of unanswerable questions. Continuing from the fact that no one was on board it was also curious that there was no sign of struggle or of a fight at all. If there had been an attack or means to kidnap those on board there would be evidence to support this, and there was none.

Noticing these oddities left both Giotto and Spock tense for what was bound play out.

Spock could recall that he desired to comm for the Enterprise, but everything after that was blank. His mind could not fill the gap between that point and when he awoke here. He wasn't even sure if they had succeeded in fully searching the Element for survivors. He had just been there and now he woke here, wherever here was.

XXXXXXXX

Waking in and of itself had appeared to be difficult. Whatever had happened, hadn't ended well for him. Spock's internal system seemed to be in shock from some minor but pressing injuries. As well his skin appeared to tense with even the slightest movements and felt to be what he would assume were burn wounds. Some large gashes also seemed to aid in making movement painful.

Recognizing these did not jolt any recollections, but rather only helped to further confuse the Vulcan. How had he been so injured without any memories of the events?

However, the understanding that he had been injured brought with it another realization. His injuries had been treated. He could feel the wraps around his torso in an effort to deter any lingering blood flow. He could smell the almost nauseating ointment that had been applied to the burns and that they too were wrapped. It seemed all of the injuries he had sustained had been cleaned and bandaged to some degree or another. It was all very archaic practices, and all very unexpected.

Obviously the good doctor was not here and had not been the one to treat Spock's injuries. However, whoever did treat them displayed an understanding for treating wounds.

Whatever happened he suspected he was no longer on board the Element. The thrum of a space station was recognizable through both the sense of hearing and touch. No matter how sound proof a room could be made it could not tune out those senses, not if they were still in space, and obviously Spock was no longer in space.

He was also neither chained up, nor left to suffer. Seeing as whoever had found him (or whoever took him) had healed him to a degree.

The entire situation was unexpected and confusing. It left the Vulcan unsure how to best approach the situation. What he did know was that presently he still required further healing and his body would soon step in pulling him deep into a healing trance. Yet, he wished not to fall into such a thing with the possibility that whoever had healed him was more than likely to return.

As much as Spock wished to linger on this predicament his mind was much further ahead, already thinking past the initial who, what, when and where or why's of this situation. His thoughts were already being pulled along to the important question of how he was going to get back? How would he return to the Enterprise, to his mate?

XXXXXXXX

Suddenly, and with a striking realization, Spock's mind stopped. All thoughts halted as a new realization struck. Right now, no matter how he tried, he could not feel Jim's mind.

The bond the pair of them shared was an always present hum that had settled deep within the recesses of his thoughts. However, he could feel nothing coming from the other. No hum, no emotions, there was absolutely nothing emitting from Jim's side of their bond. This alone was enough to still all of Spock's thoughts entirely and bring the focus completely on it.

Delving into his own thoughts, brought an immediate and gratifying relief to the Vulcan. For there he found the warm and golden essence of their bond still present and intact. However, it had fallen silent.

Something had happened. Something was forcing their bond apart, keeping Jim's mind from communicating with Spock's own; keeping him from being allowed to feel the presence of the other. The hum, that came from being bound with Jim, was a feeling that he had become accustomed to ever since he had pulled Jim from the remains of his own mind. Even more so afterwards, when they had truly bonded with one another.

Had something happened to his T'hy'la, to Jim? Now, more than ever, Spock wished he could recall the events missing from his memories. Yet, there was nothing to recall. At least the presence and the sight of the golden essence allowed Spock the small comfort and knowledge that Jim was alive. The likelihood that something happened to Jim was far less likely that it was Spock's own predicament that was causing such things.

Whatever, had happened between being present on the Element and waking in this room, must've been the cause of the barrier between their minds.

"Jim."

The words were a barely whispered breath from Spock as he allowed them to slip by. He wished perhaps that a response would follow.

Yet, if he were being truly honest he was not expecting one to follow. He wasn't even expecting anything more than finding alleviation in the name itself, and the small comfort it brought with it.

So when a shift sounded behind where he lay, it was loud and shocking to his normally acute senses. Spock had believed himself to be alone in the room he woke in. Though, his sight had remained limited to the radius the bed provided, he had believed he would recognize the presence of another if there had been one.

It was understandable that from his place he would've been completely incapable of noticing the other behind him. It was still surprising all the same, for he had not only missed the other's breathing but he had not registered the clear beat of another's heart over his own. Yet, now that he was aware both sounded loudly within his ears. Had he truly been so caught up in the situation to miss such obvious signs?

All of these thoughts passed rapidly through Spock's mind as only seconds passed within the room. For just after the shift of movement another shock soon followed.

Footsteps.

Whoever was within the room alongside him was now making their way progressively towards him.

"You are the one who treated my wounds?" Spock spoke with a surprising calmness to his voice as he awaited a response. He needed to determine if whoever this was—was an enemy or a companion. His words seemed to still the process of the other's steps and yet not a word was spoken.

Spock tried again, but now with a desire to bring a voice to whoever lingered just out of sight, "I was among others, have you taken them as well?"

Again silence was all the answer given towards the question, but the footsteps continued once more. The room must have been much wider than Spock had earlier believed for it seemed to take the other some time to approach him. It made more sense now that he had missed another presence in such a deeply shadowed room.

However, it was obvious now that he was not alone. Each foot fell with a resounding click. Each step taken had a vaguely familiar pattern to it. It was unusual that Spock would recognize such a thing. He could not understand why he'd find it familiar when he knew without a doubt he had not been to this location before.

When the other came up alongside the bed, in which Spock lay, Spock found himself compelled to lift his gaze. To fully seek out the individual who was either his captor or his savior, if not both.

However, it was because of the familiar foot patterns that Spock was expecting that whoever it was, that it would be a shock to see them. It would be shocking in the familiar, but unexpected way. Such as reuniting with a companion who you had believed you would never see again. In a way that had the potential of being good as it did for being bad.

It left Spock's mind reeling for any who could possibly fit such an occurrence.

He knew that he would never truly deduct who it could possibly be in the time frame it took for the other to reach the bed, and for him to gaze up. He knew that he would be shocked at the realization. There was no preventing this.

So, when auburn eyes lifted to meet with striking blue, his heart stilled.

..

..

"James."

..

..

A click of a weapon sounded threateningly close.

..

..

"How did you find me,"

..

..

Metal pressed against the Vulcan's temple as blue eyes bore into the other.

..

..

"Have you come to finish me off then, Spock?"

XXXXXXXX

* * *

**AN:** So…I did it again. With the cliff hanger thing, but at least we all know Spock's still alive! That's a yay moment right?

Haha…oh the goodies I have in store for this. Sorry I pulled a similar stunt to EtS, but oh how it is totally different in so-so many ways. If anyone can guess I'll give them cookies or something. Otherwise I really was telling the truth last post. I probably won't have more up till next Friday. Hope this helped, sort of…probably only made things worse but oh the suspense! *hearts* I will hopefully have all of chapter three to post by Friday, and maybe more, but unsure at the present time. We will see.

Hope you enjoyed. I shall be back with answers and more questions to throw at you all! :D


	10. The One I've Loved:ThreeTwo

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **For an influx of emotions, because we're back with Jim on the ship and things have most definitely changed. Expect confusion probably, and surprises, and realizations, also an introduction of a new minor character who had showed up only briefly in EtS : )

May have language as well. I can't remember…but there's chaos so I'm sure it's there.

**AN**: Sorry to all for the end of Chapter Two and for the confusion with Chapter Three part one. There won't really be more on that till chapter four but there are some major new developments in the rest of Chapter Three. Get ready for some changes...and some fixes perhaps in a certain status for a certain blond haired, blue-eyed ex-captain of ours. *wink*wink* Chapter Three should be full of stuff.

Please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Three (Part Two):

Static and noise.

Jim could comprehend that much was going on around him. Turmoil seemed to be the best definition of what was happening up on the bridge. No one could understand what had just happened. How suddenly so much could just go wrong.

Whatever had happened, it left everything wiped out. All that remained of the Element were scraps of metal stuck floating in space.

There was no enemy. They weren't even sure if there had been an enemy beforehand. Alleged attacks and a battered space station supplied evidence to back this up, but there were no further communications when they had arrived, and prior it was choppy at best. There was no way to be sure what was going on, or why this had happened.

The Enterprise was prepped for potential attack, but they were trying in vain to continue on after such a shock; after such a direct blow.

Many were stuck stock still. Many were struggling with basic mechanics let alone full out reacting, but no more so than Jim.

He sat slumped on the floor staring hollowly out at the place of the station. Out towards what had once been a solid structure. He was completely at a loss. What was one supposed to do during this sort of situation? Could they do anything about this? How were any of them meant to handle this situation?

It was like a cold press of reality digging into the hearts of those of the alpha crew…to Jim.

He couldn't move, couldn't blink, as he tried to unsee what was before him.

He barely registered as another presence came up beside him once more.

"Jim…Jim let's head back down to sickbay. Let's get you checked out."

"No…"

The protest wasn't meek or sobbed. It was simple and straightforward. It was a refusal.

"You're in shock Jim…right now would be the best time to move. Let's not be here when everything catches up with you."

"When? God Bones…it's not a matter of when it's a matter of degree. I-I…I can't lose him. I can't. Tell me that I didn't just see that? Please…just tell me something else happened. That we beamed them back before that happened. That this is all…all just some truly cruel and disturbing joke, because I can't lose him!"

Jim shook as he tried to collect whatever means of control he had left, as he tried to calculate what just happened. "He…he was right there and…I didn't even say goodbye this morning…." Jim's trembling fingers covered his mouth as if to mask the words that had fallen, as if his own ears did not wish to hear this.

"You!"

Almost immediately Jim's persona did an 180˚as he glared at Pike. He pushed up on shaky limbs, "I-I told you to beam them back! They should never have been there!" He staggered forward towards the Admiral, "You took him from me! You took him from me!"

"Jim!"

"Jim!"

"Dammit no!"

"Keptin!"

Chekov jumped between the pair slamming into Jim, and surprising everyone on the bridge. Surprising all who had lunged to stop Jim from attacking Pike. The young navigator simply wrapped his arms around the captain in a fierce hug, "Zhis vill not bring him back…I am so wery sorry…so wery-wery sorry."

"He's all I had left." Jim crumpled to the ground shaking in the navigator's arms as all the rage washed away.

Everyone stilled.

Here and now it was so obvious to fully see what type of hit the Enterprise had suffered.

Spock was gone. Hell everyone who had been on the Element was gone. Yet now the Enterprise was left to just stare at the wake.

Jim who had made such extreme progress over the four months awake, over this last month on board the Enterprise, would probably regress if not worsen after such a blow. Losing both commanding officers (because nothing would keep Jim now) would leave those remaining on the Enterprise in shambles. Everyone would struggle to pick themselves up, but for those on the alpha crew…for those who had survived the last two years just barely holding on. There was only so many times you could fix something that was broken before the pieces were just not fixable anymore. Just not worth fixing anymore.

McCoy walked over to crouch down by the pair. Both with tears in their eyes at the loss, but one also at the mourning for the one in his arms. "Come'on Jimmy." Bones whispered as gently as he could moving to slide Jim's arm over his shoulder. He barely got one arm slung over before realizing that Sulu had joined them on the floor and had taken up Jim's other arm.

McCoy barely managed a thankful smile before the pair of them hoisted Jim up and basically dragged him from the bridge.

The Enterprise had been shaken by the explosion, but the witnessing crew seemed to struggle even more so with picking themselves up from this one.

XXXXXXXX

Fine white-grained sand.

Everywhere it expanded out from him, sinking with each foot step taken. The sand covered everything; stretching beyond the horizon and onward. It was infinite and the dunes billowed like waves in the desert-scape. There was no ending to this place. There was no glimpse or shimmer of anything except sand; leaving Jim to walk alone in the infinite space. It left him with no options in sight that could aide in his choice. There were no options to pull him along a certain path.

Though, it wouldn't matter which path he took because it always led him back to where he started. He could walk for miles only to find his footsteps again, and realize he had only managed to walk in circles.

As always he would sink down, exhausted and alone.

Only then would the footfalls near and the crunch of sand lift him up from his slumped position.

_You are not alone. Never alone._

There was no slow and graceful sigh. There was no prolonged turn to meet the other, because this was what he had hoped for. This was preferred to rather then the undesirable pain reality brought with it.

It didn't matter if the events always played out differently; they had been almost always consistent until that last version.

_Spock!_

Jim's cry was met with a breath of relief. He allowed his feet to carry him up and forward. He allowed his mind to throw him into the embrace of the other.

_Thought you were gone._

…

_I had promised never to leave you, James._

Jim smiled at the words and lifted his gaze seeking out the others. He sighed as he took in the sight before him. Allowed himself to fully look at the other and welcome his presence. However, Jim's fingers rose up to stroke at the skin beneath those eyes and along the Vulcan's cheek. He was met with the feel of nothing.

Only now could he truly understand Spock's request to be with Jim again, back when Jim had been trapped in his own mind, back when Jim wished to remain. Spock knew that there were costs, and only now did Jim truly feel the loss and desire to be with the other fully and not just in mind. Though even then…having the vibrant presence of the other was far greater than this. Would be welcomed over this mirage.

_I don't want to wake up without you there._

Realization that this was nothing more than a compilation within his mind was a heavy blow, and yet he clung desperately to the remains. To the image of the other still burned deep in his mind, as if pulling away now would only allow alterations to take place.

Nothing could fully represent the one he loved, even now this could only be as close as Jim's mind could recall. He knew the difference of Spock's true presence in his mind; the serenity that resonated throughout. It was like a peaceful and comforting breeze on a hot day. It was perfect…and it was absent.

All he had left was what his own mind could conjure up. Nightmares or dreams continued to feature the one he loved, altering the scenario only briefly each time. Now when he desired to see Spock most his mind supplied him with exactly what he wished to see.

Give it months and features will begin to grow fuzzy. Give it years and things will be only glimmers of what was once a whole. He couldn't survive years without the other.

_I don't want you to go._

…

_I will never leave you, my Jim._

Jim's figure trembled with the words and chuckled weakly at the surreal alterations that had so drastically shifted his world around. He truly could never be given anything beyond suffering. Was this what everything would always amount to?

_You should have just allowed us to remain together in my mind; together where nothing could truly pull us apart or harm us. _

…

_Sometimes suffering is necessary to realize the things that matter most. To allow your eyes to open and to appreciate what still remains. _

…

_Haven't I already suffered enough? You were the reason I fought to survive Spock. It's worth nothing if you are not there._

…

_Jim you surviving will never be a mistake._

…

_It doesn't feel like that. Not when I can't protect the ones that matter. Not when the cost is you. I can't—I can't continue this without you. There's no hope. I can't even go in search for you. You're just gone._

_You're just gone._

…

_Open your eyes, T'hy'la._

…

_No._

…

_Open your eyes, Jim._

…

_I don't want to lose you again._

…

_Jim._

_XXXXXXXX_

"Jim's here?"

The voice was like a familiar prick at the back of Jim's mind, like he knew it but was struggling to put a face to the out of sight speaker.

Blue eyes had opened to find himself in his personal section of sickbay.

How often now had he found himself waking here? Over that last year, even though he wasn't truly present, he had been there and had woken each change in this very room. Each time waking to find Spock hovering in wait, alongside Bones, waiting for what to expect for what had happened in the time before Jim opened his eyes again.

But no matter how the blue searched they would not find auburn eyes lying in wait. Spock was gone.

"Not today Aiden…go see if chapel needs help."

Bones' voice was closer than the other's. The pair must've been just standing at the doors because usually sound didn't resonate within the closed off room.

Aiden.

That name was vaguely familiar, but from where Jim was unsure. Truly it wasn't something he lingered on; his mind wanted nothing more than to go blank. He wanted to fall into absence and soak up ignorance so that he could forget the pain that came with waking.

He didn't know what to do. Standing up, moving about, would only be a step forward and further away from the past.

Had he really not even looked at Spock this morning?

He barely could recall the light kiss they shared. The feel was a faint and quickly vanishing memory.

"You said he came to sickbay all the time and I'd get to see him when he visited next!" There was that voice again. "I mean…I understand after what happened he needed time so we never got to see him. I doubt any of the younger kids really even remember much about him beside that he was always a resonating presence and a strength to keep us older kids surviving. I just wanted to thank him, he made me feel strong…he was the reason I was able to keep going, to fight not for myself but for the other kids."

Kids.

Green eyes.

"_It'll be your mission, alright Aiden keep them safe. Watch after all of them. It might not seem like it now but you're strong enough. I can see it in your eyes, you can do this. Keep everyone together and know that I'll get you out of here. There are others coming. You'll know them when they arrive; they'll be in red shirts and another will be in blue. Help is coming, we'll get you home, but for now the other kids need someone to be strong so that they can be. You have to be strong for them._

_What if I can't be strong, what if I'm tired and can't be that for them?_

_You have to be strong even when everything looks bleak. You'll know it when it happens, when you see everyone else struggling to cope, and feeling the same thoughts to your own. Perhaps yours are worse but you see all the suffering and you'll know. Rising up and putting on a strong face, carrying the burden is a big task, but everyone will survive thanks to you. You'll be the reason that they'll carry on after this is all over, after this is just a past nightmare._

_What if I'm scared?_

_Everyone gets scared, being scared helps make you stronger. Let's you understand limitations and strengths._

_Why me?_

_Because you're already the only one in here who still has hope. Maybe it's not hope in being rescued but in surviving. You're already so very strong._

_What if I fail?_

_You won't."_

He was the boy from the Romulan ship.

Memories of short visits flittered through Jim's mind and a darkly shadowed image of a young green-eyed boy flashed through his thoughts. He hadn't even heard much about any of the surviving kids past that they had all been saved from the ships.

Yet, here and now one of them seemed to still be present on board his ship.

"Now's not a good time kid. Go help Christine."

"Everyone keeps saying to give him space and time. That whatever he faced on that ship was worse than anyone could imagine, but Doctor McCoy…whenever he came to visit, the man I saw always seemed like he could face the end of the world and still turn and smile so that others remembered how to. I think he's stronger than you all keep saying, but your smothering that strength away."

Aiden's words were sharp as they resonated within the room and alongside the memories Jim was recalling. Was that what happened?

Did Jim just forget how to be himself? After waking up had he collapsed so far that he couldn't recall how to just be himself again?

He had been walking circles this whole time trying to step back into old footsteps and yet it only accomplished keeping him stuck wandering the same path in search of himself. Spock had always been in his mind trying to pull him off this path, but he always woke before he accomplished this.

Jim never had a set path; he had always stepped forward without fear of altering his path. He always carved his own place in the world, had always stepped forward so that others would be able to later. He stepped forward to show that they could. Yet, here he was lying flat not wanting to take any steps at all.

In fact he wanted to retract his steps completely.

That wasn't Jim Kirk. He wouldn't walk old steps, because he was an explorer and a doer. He needed to move and the only direction was always forward. Lingering in the past brought pain and suffering and allowed him to sink in sorrows instead of come to term with them and use them to make him stronger.

James T. Kirk picked himself up, not because he wanted to but because he always needed to.

The world was capable of being cold, dark, and all-consuming if you let it. There were those who needed to be able to rise up when all looked dim because otherwise everyone else would collapse. There were those who had to stay strong even under the worst of situations. Jim had been that person.

Yet, now Jim had allowed himself to fall and be carried away, but in doing so he left his family and those he cared about to struggle on their own.

He wouldn't let this drown the ones he loved; the ones still remaining. He couldn't be the final break to destroy everything precious in his life. Not when he had always been the support keeping them together. Not after all he had forced them to suffer during these last two years.

Jim wouldn't break apart what was good still. He knew that the steps would cost him, and would leave him feeling hollow with the loss. He wouldn't be the same, but he never let change stop him before. He would never feel whole again but what remained of him was more than enough to keep going. It was more than enough to keep fighting.

James T. Kirk didn't stop after the world ended, not after all the suffering he had already experienced. He knew suffering like a constant companion, but it was never something that broke him down. It was always something to make him stronger; to drive him to be greater.

He could survive. He would have to survive until what remained was gone and there was no more fight left. He needed to survive so everyone else could. So that everyone else could carry on.

_...you surviving will never be a mistake..._

"You just have to look past what's in front of you, because what's beneath is what shows you how strong someone can be." Aiden's words were followed with a sigh of acceptance because no one was as stubborn as Doctor McCoy and if he said no than there wasn't anything that would change his mind. "It's what Jim told me to keep fighting. Look past what you want to see and you'll realize the answers been there the whole time."

_Look past what's right in front of you._

_Look past what is obvious._

These words triggered something. Something Jim hadn't even been aware that he caught until just now.

How had he missed this? How could he just allow himself to be led away with such a drastic unknown lingering in the air. If anything...this itself was reason enough to take that next step. To kick start the drive to fight again. To pull the Kirk factor back out of where it had been lying in wait.

_XXXXXXXX  
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"Sounds like a wise old man, and honestly that sounds nothing like me."

Jim's presence was like ice water shocking the pair as he moved up alongside Bones. He leaned heavily against the opposite doorframe and gazed at the two.

McCoy's face was one of disbelief and a mix of emotions that Jim didn't want to pull apart and evaluate at the present time. Aiden's face was as open as it had been back on the Romulan ship. It was obvious to see his true self if you knew where to look.

"Why are you on the Enterprise, Aiden? I had assumed you would be amongst the others shipping off and back home?"

"I wanted to see you." Aiden's smile at the sight of Jim didn't falter at Jim's words, because he knew they went past face value.

"You shouldn't feel compelled to board a ship again because of me, kid. It wasn't me who kept everyone safe and strong you did that on your own."

Jim blatantly ignored McCoy's concerned glances as Jim looked Aiden over. "You old enough to be here?"

"Turned seventeen three months ago, I'm pretty good at classes and with numbers sir, but I had been looking into medicine while out in space. It was just a hobby, but ever since the…our time on the ship I want to help. I know there are many wounds that can't be healed but no one should have to suffer. Heal the ones I can and let time do the rest. I heard the Enterprise was the best ship to be on."

"Smart kid. Good idea, with the flattery."

"Persistent pain in the ass too. Reminds me of another smart kid I bumped into years ago." McCoy grumbled his words pulling Jim's eyes up to finally meet with the others.

"Can't just sit around and do nothing." Jim breathed out. There was hurt still heavy in his voice and eyes, but there was also an old stubbornness brimming up. "I need to head back up to the bridge, I've suddenly been hit with reality, and a certain conversation opened my eyes to something I've forgotten a while ago. Also it's beyond that, there was something I couldn't see moments ago. Something that I never should have missed."

"Jim."

"I have to take captaincy back, Bones."

"Now hold on just a second."

"The Element wasn't attacked."

* * *

**AN:** Good? Definitely different. I hope that sounded alright please let me know I'd really appreciate it. Otherwise expect the rest of chapter three in the span of the weekend. Not going to be home rest of today so can't finish it up tonight. : /

Anyway yay! Jim back towards Captaincy. There may be mutiny in the next post, and some serious arguing on the bridge. With some more Jim-like amazingness as he goes about being awesome and captaining-y : )


	11. The One I've Loved:ThreeThree

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **Language…I think actually that might be all this chapter has in it : / I may add in some small hints of things to come, but they'll probably not be obvious till later so it doesn't affect much now. Haha.

**AN:** Sorry all, I know I was planning on posting all chapter three in one go, and then through the span of this weekend. My brain is shot. Like good bye functioning hello mush. That's why I went ahead and posted the fairytale story; because I already had some of that written out (Check it out if you're interested I'd appreciate it). I also am trying to figure out exactly how I want to go about writing some of these upcoming scenes…which these parts are going to play a role in setting up for. So…I'm trying to handle it carefully and stage it nicely.

Thus the delay. Hopefully this chapter sounds okay I had it written up in a journal in parts and pieces so I just rewrote it and added some things in blank spots. Basically a chapter to wrap up Jimmy becoming captain at long last and leading into the start of some serious developments. Which I can't spoil so you'll see it in more so in part four…which should be the last part of chapter three.

Hopefully this post being roughly 5,000 instead of 3,000 words helps make up for slow posting.

**AN2:** Thanks for all the reviews! You all rock. **  
**

Please enjoy. :D

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The One I've Loved

Chapter Three (Part Three):

XX

Leaving sickbay was a bit of a hassle, what with McCoy adamant about Jim not being ready yet, but he slid by all the same. The ship was easy to navigate, going down halls and moving about as he made his way closer and closer towards the bridge.

So many crew members were moving about as yellow alert called them to be prepared. However, of all those wandering about it was evident not one was aware of all that had transpired up on the bridge. There was no alert or message given about the destruction or the loss. Everything was being concealed and kept away for the time being.

It was the correct precaution to take because at the moment they were unsure what had transpired. Yet, Jim was sure that it was a precaution taken not for this reason but for the desire to keep order on the ship; on _his_ ship.

Basically they were being lied to that everything was still alright and it wasn't. Jim didn't like it…and it drove him to quicken his steps.

"Jim, dammit I said wait!"

McCoy hadn't been one to let Jim just slip away. It really shouldn't have surprised Jim, but one could hope. It almost amused him that McCoy was hot on his tails, but it was probably for the best. Everyone should be there for what was about to come.

The shouts of protests and arguments had fizzled out after exiting sickbay, probably due to McCoy's desire to not further tarnish Jim's standing amongst the crew. When they reached the lifts to get towards the bridge there was nothing stopping McCoy from bringing them all back home.

"Are you out of your mind, Jim? Is this what everyone wants, yes, but this is not the time to do it, most definitely not. Jim your still in shock and I'm leaning heavily towards denial because your acting brashly kid. You go up there bringing a storm and you're going to find yourself in the brig. Now stop and let's go back to sickbay."

Jim's eyes were stuck not on McCoy but ahead looking at the doors of the lift. Flickers and reflections and suddenly he was looking at McCoy again.

"Jim?"

"I'm not in denial. This is not me acting brashly and even if it was this is me doing what is right." Jim clapped McCoy on the shoulder, "The kid followed you up here. Aiden sit tight this may get bumpy." Jim threw a smirk to the pair and turned just in time to the lift opening up to the bridge. He slid out of McCoy's reach and right onto the bridge.

What he saw was worse than what he expected.

Jim knew that the sight outside of the Enterprise would strike him the worst. Seeing the remains would leave that hollow ache tensing up and coiling with a renewed strength. So, he kept his gaze upon the bridge and what was before him. It was this that struck him still.

Here he was arriving back on the bridge expecting to speak with Pike about taking back his position, but he wasn't expecting his crew to still be here. Pike he understood; the man was the captain and thus had to remain. The alpha crew, though? No, that was unacceptable, not after a blow like what had just transpired. Not after such a loss.

It was obvious none of them were handling it well. Nyota was at her station attempting to smother sobs and trembling to such a degree that Jim was surprised she could hear anything. Chekov was constantly wiping at tears attempting to mask them before anyone else realized that they were being shed, and Sulu had gone white as a sheet.

This was not acceptable, and Jim bypassed all prior thoughts as he immediately made his way to Nyota's station.

"Jim?" Pike's voice was like a distant echo in the back of his mind as Nyota's eyes lifted to be caught on the sight of Jim standing alongside her.

"Doctor what is he doing back up here? Get him back to sickbay. He shouldn't see this."

Again the words were like noise; static and unimportant to what was going on in the forefront. Jim smiled a sad smile, and an understanding smile, as he reached out to place a comforting hand on Nyota's shoulder. This seemed to break the last ounce of strength the lieutenant had and like a dam breaking Nyota released a pain-filled and broken sob.

She lifted only enough to pull Jim down into a fierce hug, needing any form of comfort and seeking to relieve the shared pain lingering from both of them.

"Spock." Nyota choked out the name on a sob that shook all of Jim's strength and determination, threatening to drag him back down.

"I know Nee, I know." Jim breathed out pulling her close and stroking her back just enough to ease the sobs and the shakes.

The room seemed to fall silent at the display, but when Jim pulled away from Nyota he was pleased to see that Sulu had taken this as an okay to comfort another and swooped in to help calm down Chekov's own tears. Wiping at the young navigator's cheeks and whispering soft words of reassurance.

Jim's eyes pulled from the scene and with one last supportive squeeze he moved away from Nyota and back to the center of the bridge. He moved to fully face Pike, standing with his back to the destruction, silhouetting Jim with the reason behind such distress. The image was fierce and blue eyes were piercing as they looked at the other.

"You…you can't do this. God, what even made you think this was okay, Pike? Look around you, no one on this bridge should have remained. As soon as I left you should have called for beta shift to take up position, you should have called in any of the replacements. Right now, this cannot happen. You can't push at them at this moment and not expect to have them break under the pressure.

"This is not one of those moments to keep going. This is one of those moments were you have to take a step back. They need a chance to collect themselves, Chris. You, need a chance to collect yourself. This isn't just an attack this was a strike to the heart."

"Jim."

"Not now Leonard." Jim's eyes threw only a brief glance over to the man wishing to step in, but he couldn't allow this to continue.

"No, I think right now is a good time for the doctor to step in. Jim you shouldn't be back up here. Let the doctor lead you back down to sickbay and cool down, your heads not on straight."

Pike's words were spoken with a calmness and collectedness of one trying to remain in a position of authority even during a tough time. However, they could have held a comforting or warm tone and Jim would've reacted all the same.

"And yours is? Look at what you're doing Pike! This isn't…this is not the best way to approach this matter. What are you even doing? Searching into the possibility of an attacker?"

"We have procedures that must be taken during such an attack on a federation vessel-"

Pike barely got the sentence finished before Jim took a step forward and threateningly towards the other. "Fuck procedures and use common sense!"

Pike straightened up and stood to stand just as domineeringly as Jim, "Jim are you questioning my capabilities of captaining this ship?"

"Jim, don't do this." McCoy's request was barely a whisper over the strain emitting between Pike and Jim.

"What are you doing back on this bridge Jim? You are neither a captain nor a crew member. You are a passenger along for the ride. I've been liberal about you stopping in, now I'm requesting that you allow Doctor McCoy to take you off this bridge before I need to force you off."

"I'm taking command back Pike. I'm taking my ship back, because right now you are not making the calls this ship needs."

"Dammit Jim, you're emotionally compromised and all together out of your idiotic mind." McCoy shouted stepping up towards the pair and trying to grab at Jim.

Jim shook the hold off and glared at McCoy, "I'm emotionally compromised? Who here isn't!"

Jim pivoted gesturing at those all remaining on the bridge as a whole.

"Nyota, who has known Spock the longest of almost all of us, and who had not only been in a prior relationship with the Vulcan but has constantly maintained a sisterly companionship with him. She is emotionally compromised.

"Chekov, who has always had Spock here as a supporting and structural role model, as well as a companion to talk statistics over is he not compromised as well? What about Sulu? He spends days down there in the lab with Spock, often into the late hours were it is just the pair of them. Spock, him, and I were often the ones beaming down planet side. How close do you think they had gotten during such times? After saving each other's lives so many times?

"Pike has got to be emotionally compromised. He had been one of Spock's leading role models. One who Spock often is most willing to elaborate and share times spent with. A person who Spock had willingly forewent his teaching path in favor of seeking a position as first officer; just to continue alongside and aide in Pike's desire to travel through space.

"And what about you Leo, are you not compromised by this? After spending these last two years with Spock? That first year where you all had searched out for me? Did you not say so yourself that you two had grown closer over my absence. That had it not been for Spock you all would've collapsed? Then you both were the ones practically taking care of me. You trusted him enough to look after me, a position you haven't allowed any other professional anyone. So, don't give me that."

Jim's blue eyes were dark with a slew of emotions mostly stemming from hurt and anger, but also from shared anguish and understanding.

"Of course I'm compromised by what happened, who wouldn't be? You're the doctor, Bones, you know that it is the pain and the guilt that makes us who we are. It makes us stronger.**" **Jim's eyes returned to meet Pike's and he sighed out trying to calm himself down.

"This wasn't some attack. If it was then the attackers are already long gone by now. They would've been gone before we even got here. So, while you're too busy following Starfleet customs and procedures on how to _handle_ this situation you've already missed some obvious problems with the possibility of an attack. You've also missed the fact that your crew isn't working at 100% they're probably not even functioning at 50% because they're hurting."

Jim's words were like a loud and sharp slap to the face. It took the breath right out of the room and left them all just stuck in place. Every word he said was resonating between those on the bridge, but it was Pike who managed to speak up first.

"So you think you are capable of running this ship better? You're not even capable of returning to command."

Jim scuffed at this.

"I'm not commanding this ship in your place right now, not because I'm not capable of it. I passed every single test given in an effort to evaluate how messed up I had become after two years spent captured. I passed any regulations thrown at me and you should already know that every single admiral granted me the right back to my place as captain if I desired it."

Pike went to speak up but Jim cut him off.

"No Pike, I turned down captaining out of my own decision, because I hadn't viewed myself as ready, and because I wasn't capable of handling captaining again and fighting regulations about being in a relationship at the time. This-this is me informing you that there isn't anything stopping me from taking back my position now. This is me letting you know I'm ready, and asking you to step down so that I may run this ship properly."

"You are going to pull mutiny on me? On some of the other admirals I could understand, but Jim you requested my taking up this position."

The room was practically dead silent. It was easy to overhear the breathing of just about every one of those remaining in the room as everyone watched what was transpiring before them.

Pike and Jim. Admiral Christopher Pike versus Captain James T. Kirk. Where they not close companions? Was Pike not the admiral they all hoped to have contact from in times of need? Was he not the admiral they all enjoyed hearing from?

Why was it now a choice between Jim and Pike? Where they even meant to decide who to follow? After the loss of Spock could they handle this?

"Pike I'm not pulling anything on you right now. This is me asking a friend and an admired superior to relinquish the position I asked him to hold while I coped."

"Jim your mind is clouded by your loss, you're angry with me because you are blaming for it, and you're blaming Starfleet for its new regulations. I understand I'm an easy target, but you can't be unable to captain this ship only moments before the attack and suddenly fine to after it. That's not how these things work."

"Well I've never been one to follow customs. Take a look Pike. The amount of debris left in the wake of the explosion is impossible. The space station was too large to have left so little amount of metal remaining. Not in comparison to the blast. Otherwise the Enterprise would've been struck much harder than we had been or engulfed in it as well." Jim pointed out into space to prove his point further before continuing on.

"If you have that to consider than its easy to understand that whatever happened it was either set up or there is more to this than what we are seeing. Going about searching for an enemy, and thinking that this is another attempt at war. That is not what we need to be doing. We should be looking into readings before the blast of any transmissions or transportations from outside sources."

Eyes all shifted to look out at the remains of the Element, all except for Jim's. In memory of the attack on Vulcan there had been so many ship remains littering the sky up until the entity swallowed them alongside the planet.

Here and now there was hardly enough remains to make up the space station or truly recognize it as the prior station.

"Chekov if you would do a check for me? Scan the area where the space station had been before the attack. Check for any anomalies. Nyota look into records before our arrival and leading up to when we initially beamed our men over. See if we missed anything. You'll find something. I know it."

"Jim you're trying to proof to yourself that Spock's not gone, but he is. You can do this to yourself. You can't keep hoping when it's going to cause you more pain in the end. Come on…let's stop this." McCoy took another step towards Jim, but received a threatening look in return.

"Jim, he's right. Let Doctor McCoy take you back down to sickbay. Stay there until we get this whole situation handled and I'll come and talk this out with you properly. You're being blinded by what you want to see."

"I'm not being blind!" Jim growled frustrated at the pair pushing madness and denial and suspicion at him. Treating him as if he was out of his mind, or unwell. "It's you who are being blind. Dammit look at the facts! Look at what's going on!"

"Doctor, get him off this bridge."

"Come'n Jimmy." McCoy reaches for Jim but again the other shakes him off.

"I'm not in denial! This isn't some foolish desire to pull rank on you or to prove that I can pull some impossible stunt out of my ass. I'm being serious."

"Doctor now before he makes more of a fool of himself."

McCoy sighed as once again Jim took another step towards the Admiral. He dug into his pocket reaching for something he had not wished to use but had brought with just in case. Jim wasn't one to back down, the stubborn fool was too stubborn for his own good, and right now he was too set to realize he just needed some more time to catch his breath. He just needed more time to cope with what had happened.

The hypo had barely even been raised up before Jim slammed McCoy down onto the floor. The clank and roll of the item forgotten as everything focused on Jim crouched hovering over McCoy. Over the one he had always been closest too, had never even thought of striking out against, not in jest or in any manner.

Here and now he had physically thrown the doctor down and forced him to release the hypo in his hand.

"Do not attack me right now." Jim's words were practically a growl and so unlike him, "I spent two whole years dealing with this shit from those Romulans. Do you really think that I couldn't take on any one of you?" He pushed up but only enough to stand and help McCoy up to a seated position, "Don't stop me, I need to do this."

The words were softer this time as he spoke to his friend and companion throughout so much. He needed McCoy's support here, not his refusal.

"Security to bridge immediately, set phasers to stun." Pike's words lifted Jim's gaze up and over to the man hovering by the Captain's chair. "Jim you've crossed a line!"

"Good, because it needed to be crossed." Jim pushed to stand the rest of the way and look at Pike fully, "You have no idea what you're doing because you've been too wrapped up in a world of politics and proper procedures to open your eyes. Hell, you're blind enough to keep working those who have just experienced a traumatic event. Who are all either; in shock or bordering on emotional collapse, because they're not machines and this isn't a school book procedure. This is out of your depth Pike, so stand down."

The words barely leave Jim's mouth before security bursts onto the bridge. Four of Giotto's finest, and every one of them expecting to find an enemy attacking those on the bridge.

What they found was McCoy sitting on the ground, Pike and Jim standing at odds against one another, and the remainder of the crew sitting unable to do much else than stare blankly ahead.

They're stuck unsure exactly what to do. Their phasers are hovering drawn as if prepared to attack and yet with no idea who they're meant to be threatened by.

"Get him off this bridge and seal him in his quarters!" Pike moves forward a step, and Jim remains holding his ground. However, it is obvious that he is speaking of Jim. "Right now he is a threat to the safety of this ship."

The security guards all are thrown off guard by this and hesitate to react. Hesitate long enough for Jim to break over the unease.

"I'm a threat? Spock, Giotto, Andrew and Thomas. Those are the men who you sent over to that space station. I know every person on this ship by name. I know who has family back home and who doesn't. I know why they joined Starfleet and chose to continue serving the Enterprise. I've seen all four of those men on that ship fight for me and for the Federation without batting an eye. Right now, I'm telling you they didn't just blow up." Jim gestured wildly as he spoke and pointed at Pike, "I am trying to do what is right."

"Jim you're in denial."

"Stay out of this, McCoy." Jim threw the Doctor a resigned look he had hoped, after what had just happened, the other would realize at least to some degree that Jim needed him to back off or to support him. He needed his friend to trust in him, but obviously throwing your friend to the floor wasn't the best way to get that message across.

"I think it's time you go lie down and take a breather, Jim, because what you're doing right now is not proving anything; it's only working against you. Now I'm willing to forget this whole ordeal happened but you need to step away and do so promptly." Pike once again tried to calmly speak to Jim.

It was like trying to talk down a man with a gun, and it really was only assisting in pissing Jim off. He was not a crazy person, nor was he threating harm upon anyone. He was trying to get answers and see about saving those who had been on the Element. If that were even a possibility, and yet everyone was so set on the disbelief that he could so suddenly be alright to handle this. Obviously being ready to captain again made him crazy because just having finally seen where he was needed couldn't be the answer.

"I'm not in denial I'm finally opening my eyes!" Jim huffed out exasperated, "Stop treating me like I'm insane, and trust me when I'm telling you that I'm ready."

Pike stepped forward again and the look in his eyes actually made Jim think that maybe Pike was finally going to let this happen. That maybe the man would actually give it a moment and see that Jim was actually being serious here.

That was up until he turned to look at security and spoke up.

"Security, remove him from this bridge."

This was ridiculous. This was beyond annoying and bordering on full out maddening, because here was his best friend and father-figure fighting against him. If they wanted to force this on him they better expect him to fight back. Not after everything that has happened. Not when he was finally ready to stand up. When he finally realized that he needed to stand up again.

Security went to move as if to comply with the command and yet one look from Jim and they halted. One command from Jim and their phasers dropped to their sides.

"Security, stand down." The command was curt and simple and as the security officers listened a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. His eyes turned back onto Pike and he knew his Vulcan would be proud of the brow quirk he managed to pull off. If only to further piss the admiral off.

"I said get him off this bridge!"

Pike's shout was met with a cool look from Jim, and a step forward. It was too close into the other's space that Pike had to take a step back.

"You want to lock me up, Pike? Try it. Let's see who is willing to follow your command over mine. This is my ship Pike, you all have been spouting that from day one. So, I really doubt you've forgotten it now. You see, those crew members on that space station. Those losses are on me. This is my family and I'm supposed to protect them, but I've been dismissing that responsibility. Now, I'm asking you to stand down." Jim paused to rub tiredly at his face. It took a moment to let out a uneasy sigh before meeting with Pike's eyes once more, "Admiral Pike I am requesting that you stand down, or I will make you stand down."

"Are you serious right now?"

Pike's disbelief showed heavy on his eyes as he looked at Jim.

"You can't trust me because you think I'm emotionally unstable or still incapable of being captain. Fine. I've known how to live without support from those closest to me. If you can't trust me I'm only sorry that at some point I made you feel like you can't anymore. However, I know my capabilities, I'm not acting out rashly I'm stepping up." Jim paused to sigh.

"Its timing isn't one I'm proud of but I can't just stay back and hold off now. Not when I'm capable of helping. Now I have always seen you as a friend Pike, you're basically the closest thing to a father that I've had. Don't make me fight you for this, not when I had been the one to ask you to take up this position. Not when I had been the one to seek your help."

Security had at some point shifted to place themselves alongside or behind Jim. They were basically awaiting his command and addressing their position on this matter. Those on the bridge as well all seemed as if to subconsciously shift in Jim's favor.

It was so obvious that beside the two others everyone else believed in Jim's capabilities. Were so willing to accept him back.

"I asked you to trust that when I was ready I'd return to captain the Enterprise. I'm asking you now to trust me."

The room went silent as Jim stared at Pike and vice versa. It was uneasy as the admiral seemed to be searching for an answer a reason to belief Jim's words during such a time.

McCoy had at some point stood up and tried once again to step between the pair, "Jim-"

"Captain?"

Everyone shifted at the new addition, unsure exactly who was being addressed though it seemed to not matter as Uhura quickly carried on, "You were right…there were readings of transportations prior to our arrival. They continued on up until just before we had beamed over our crew to the Element. It had been a different frequency that I hadn't even recognized it until now."

Jim smiled at Nyota's assistance and that she had taken the time to look into what he requested even during all the commotion on the bridge. His eyes returned to Pike's but not with a threat to them or a desire to prove himself. This time he looked upon the admiral with resignation, that if this didn't bring back even a bit of trust in Jim that he wouldn't try to push it anymore. He wasn't trying to assert dominance or make a fool of the admiral all he wanted was to protect his crew and take up the position that best offered him that capability.

"Something is going on." Jim's words were softer now as he spoke them, "I know you were all thinking that returning here of all places wasn't right. That returning here so soon after everything that happened felt wrong; it felt off, and it felt like something had to be up. This can't just be some random attack. If there is any chance, any at all that they are still alive…if there is any hope at all I'm not going to let it slip away."

"Jim, kid, look at what you are doing. You are threatening an admiral. Alright Jimmy, threatening. You may have power on this ship but that won't fly when word reaches them or when we need to dock on any federation space station. They can rip away all of your titles Jim."

McCoy's words were calmer now and on a similar level with Jim's. It was obvious now why the doctor was fighting so hard against the other. He couldn't let Jim throw it away. He didn't want to fight the admiral for Jim's sake. He couldn't let Jim lose Spock and the Enterprise in the duration of a couple hours.

Yet, Jim only gave a sad smile at McCoy's words.

"Then when we get back, if that seems like the best course of action, then I won't fight it. If that's what you want to do, Chris, then it's your call to make. Right now, this is mine. I've lived with many names and the loss of this one would be horrible but it would be nothing compared to keeping a title and knowing that I did not live up to the name. If I sit back and watch knowing I didn't do anything…

"You all spent an entire year searching for me. Even after I had ordered no search to be continued and the admiralty commanded the same. You all fought against your command, and I'm certain that in this case my position on this matter is not too far off. You all want Jim the captain back? Well stand down and let me show you I'm back."

McCoy sighed but gave a brief nod of understanding, "Alright, Jim."

Pike shook his head in disbelief, but it was obvious to see the man had already cracked under all that had just transpired, "Fine. If you think you're ready then I won't stop you. I've known you too well to know I can't win this argument, but you cross a line and I'm stepping in. If it comes to that, you bow out, you hear me? You asked me along to help. This is my offer."

"It'll have to do for now." Jim nodded in agreement and watched as Pike stepped down from the captain's position.

It was almost surreal as everything seemed to slow down for this moment. It had been long enough now that, though the action should feel familiar, walking towards the chair felt foreign and new. It was awkward at first because he was swapping spots with Pike, both figuratively and literally. Those who were on the bridge seemed to have all gone silent as they witnessed this play out.

Jim hovered for a moment having to take a second and just realize how big of a step he was about to take. He was actually going to do this.

Then there was Bones, shoving Jim down into the seat.

"Don't go spouting confidence and chicken out now. It's a chair for heaven's sake, now sit down. Captain."

Jim smirked up at Bones, appreciative of the other's support even after what had all just transpired. Beyond that, though, for pushing him that final step, for letting him not second guess himself.

"Captain."

The word rang out with salutes from all of those on the bridge. Over all other emotions still present every single one of the members on the bridge looked on with relief and with pride.

Finally.

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**AN: **Okay wow...that chapter kinda just went away from me.

Hope you all don't hate Pike and Bones after this but I needed that last bit of confrontation to make sure Jim was actually sure he needed to be captain again. Can't have this be a rash and quick decision, because it's not. This is Jim finally realizing that he's ready to be Captain once more. I'm about to hop on over to the final part of Chapter Three which will probably be a mix of a ton of things but is basically answering what just happened to Spock and answering what's going on with Jim (just in case no one has caught the continuing problem Jim has been facing) it will be really addressed in part four of Chapter Three and answered in Chapter Four. So, be ready it's hopefully going to be insane with a dash of wtf. hehe. Also some excitement and watching Jim turn the world around in an effort to find Spock! :D

Please stay with me it's bout to become a bumpy ride ^ ^


	12. The One I've Loved:ThreeFour

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **Language, confusion probably, angst sort of, and yah…that's about it : )

**AN:** So, this part got longer than I thought. Basically this part may all be confusing, or it may not be. Really I'm a biased reader because its already in my head, haha. So if it is confusing I'm sorry. It's meant to be for now. I'm trying to make it as clear as possible without giving much away…which is difficult. Haha.

I may end up carrying it over so perhaps a part five...It has yet to be determined. Seeing as I am writing this alongside doing homework for a debate...due tomorrow. My head isn't on straight. I think I'm going to have a part five, but it may be a short piece. Basically to sum up what's going on with Spock. I'll see. Hopefully this all sounds okay, and begins to note on some things that have been lying in wait, as well as beginnings for other stuff...man sorry brain functions are shot. This should all sound fine because I basically wrote it last night right after posting part three. Just some last minute add-ins and tada! haha.

Also a longer chapter woot! It was like chapter two was all shorter barely 3,000 limit and now chapter three couldn't stay away from hitting 4,000-6,000 words. That's good though right? Make up for slower posting.

Thanks for the reviews.

Please enjoy :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Three (Part Four):

XX

Jim was captain again.

Jim was captain of the Enterprise again. Yet, there was still one more thing he needed, because taking this step was only a part of it. He had his family and his friends, but he was still only a half of a whole. He needed his first officer. He needed Spock.

So his first order of business was figuring out if getting Spock back was even a possibility. Jim needed answers. However, he was not a hypocrite and before he could do anything else he needed to be the man his crew needed. He would not fight against something only to turn around and become what it was he fought against.

"Call in your immediate reliefs." Jim spoke up and barely managed to get the words out before the protests came.

"Nyet! I vill not allow ze replacement to aide you, keptin. If you can face zhis zhen I vill stand and assist az much az possible. I vish to stay and help."

"I hadn't planned on going anywhere, I'd also like to stay and help you, Jim. Can't leave you to find your way through this without a skilled helmsman."

Sulu's comment was followed by a smirk that drew one of similar stature out from Jim. However, immediately after Jim's eyes shifted over to meet the one he was most concerned over. She had been so quick to aide earlier during the argument, but that didn't mean she was ready to stick through an entire shift.

"Uhura?"

"Count me in. I can't leave you boys to handle this situation on your own. We'll have so much testosterone in the room, Janice will be sure to collapse when she returns."

Jim chuckled but fell back into the chair, "Alrighty then. I've got my A-team. Understand that at any moment you can't handle it or it's too much, you are all permitted to leave. No questions asked."

"You do so yourself Jim."

McCoy brought Jim's eyes over to the doctor. He had moved out of the way but he was still always close by. He was waiting for it to hit Jim, for everything to collapse down upon the captain and for him to fall into shock.

That wasn't going to happen. Not on Jim's watch. Not with Spock still having a chance of survival.

Pike had also remained in the room, he was planning to make good on his words. For the time being he would step down, but if Jim seemed to be losing it then he was going to jump back in. It was slightly daunting having the two hovering over his back, but it really only drove him to prove himself further.

He was ready to be captain again. It wasn't just the loss of Spock driving him to react.

Aiden's words had really struck home. Had truly drawn attention to something that every other hadn't been able to pull out of him. Maybe he needed an outsider's voice to truly strike home, but Jim hadn't been able to get past that hurdle until now.

A brief smirk lingered on his lips as he caught vibrant green eyes hovering nearby Bones. It seemed like the Doctor had a constant shadow now, but the kid was definitely not deterred by the fight that had just played out. Instead he seemed almost as excited as Scotty had been after Jim took on his Vulcan.

"Let's figure out who wished to play around with a federation ship and space station and find out who or what was transported and to where."

Jim's words were met with an immediate change in atmosphere and yet everyone turned to their stations as if bent on the gravity of the situation.

"Chekov, scan where the element was located, let me know if there are any anomalies that turn up."

"Aye keptin."

A smirk settled as he watched the others all turn to complete the tasks. However, now it required waiting. Waiting for them to find something, and for them to begin to further question what exactly was going on. The problem with this was that it left Jim to himself. Left his mind to wander and his gaze to lift. He was no longer turned from the view screen nor was capable of keeping his focus elsewhere. His eyes lifted and he was met with the destruction, and with the remembrance that for now it was more likely that Spock hadn't survived that blast.

His heart rate increased until it felt like a drum pounding in his ear, and yet he tried to sit as calmly and collected as possible. He focused solely on looking like his insides weren't screaming, trying to tear their way out and voice the anguish lingering at the loss. Invisible wounds that he would keep hidden from any close enough and wise enough to catch.

"Jim!"

His eyes pulled away almost on cue at his name. Welcoming the distraction as he turned to look at Nyota. Tear stains still remained marking her cheeks, but he was pleased to see that the wetness that had clouded her eyes dried up for the time being. For now determination held fast alongside hope.

He met her eyes across the bridge and the two shared a moment of appreciation and understanding of the remaining hurt, but also of the importance of what was to come. Nyota was the one to smirk proudly this time and Jim followed with pleased chuckle.

"No need to shout Nyota, what'd you find?"

"The transportations from before. They were to the nearby planet, Suxen."

Jim stilled almost immediately at the word, and his smile slipped away.

That name.

This was the planet where he had been found. This was the planet where the Romulans had left a shadow of himself to be picked up and planted in a desire to trick the Enterprise and thus the Federation. He had feared that returning to the Element would place them too close to the planet. That he would have to face whatever lingering chill rose up along his spine at the mention of the planet.

There he had been introduced to the charm.

There he had witnessed his mind collapse and his entity split into two. The Romulans didn't ever know of such technology, because whatever it was couldn't have been made.

It was a gift bestowed by the Suxens to the Romulans with the immediate desire that they use it on Jim. He hadn't been sure at the time if they wished to aide him or harm him. To this day he still was unsure what their goal had been, but he had no desire to find out. Until just now he had no desire of ever returning to the place and yet here Nyota's words rung out with one clear message.

The Suxens were involved; they'd need to communicate with their people.

They'd need to beam down to that planet.

He'd have to go back.

"Then I suppose we should pay them a visit. Sulu, you're with me…let's go get some answers."

"A-Aye, Captain?"

XXXXXXXX

"What? God dammit Jim! Nyota saying that does not mean let's go about beaming down there and jump the gun on this!" McCoy growled pushing to stand in Jim's path and block him from heading towards the door. "You want to be captain again. Good, fine, whatever, that doesn't give you ultimate power to do stupid shit. Now you've read new regulations and you know old ones as well. You don't just go beaming down onto planets. You have to contact them."

"They're already expecting us."

Jim's words stilled them, because honestly what did that mean.

"Now what the blazes are you spouting? They're already expecting you? I highly doubt that Jimmy how can anyone be expecting us if you hadn't even known they were involved 'til just a moment ago."

Jim chuckled at McCoy's words and clapped him on the shoulder, "Lieutenant Nyota contact the planet and let Doctor Bones here feel better about us beaming down. Sulu, you coming or not?"

Pike quirked a brow at Jim's actions, "Jim I don't have to remind you that captains are no longer permitted to beam down with the landing party until the planet is cleared?"

The threat in those words was clear. It had only been a short time span now since Jim took back captaincy and pulling this stunt wasn't going to aid in this at all.

"They're a part of the federation. They're clear by all means and deemed a safe planet with no possible chance of acting out against or altering courses towards violence." Jim labeled off these characteristics without much thought but turned to face the admiral, "They'll want me to be a part of the landing party…either I head down now or I head down later. It'll just be quicker to go down with the first group. They'll find it less offensive if we don't waste their time."

"Jim mind explaining to us how you know all these facts?"

Jim turned at McCoy's words and smiled a pain-filled smile. There was an indisputable reason as to why he knew these facts. He had been there. The others knew that, but they had all believed he had been there as a child. "The elders altered my time remember, Bones? That's what they told you when you picked me up from the Element. I had to have been on that planet before they pulled such a stunt."

"I thought you said the elders were a ruse?" McCoy's words were sharp and panicked as he stepped again blocking Jim's path.

"Jim…they're…they're requesting that you alone beam down. They said that-that the Doctor and the Admiral must not interfere and there is much left to discuss. They have the others. They insist that if we need any incentive to allow this that we should know they have the others."

"You have got to be kidding me? There ain't no way we are permitting that!" McCoy pivoted to meet the eyes of all those on the bridge.

Every single one of them seemed to be caught up on the fact that not only had the planet members known about what was currently transpiring on the bridge, but had responded to it and declared a threat that was perhaps the only one they had any reason to be tempted over.

"There was a reason I didn't want to come back here Bones." Jim breathed out and placed a hand on the others shoulder, "Why would I fear returning to this place? This was were I had been reunited with my crew, with my ship. So, why when everyone heard that this was the destination they tensed up? Why did you all think it best to hide it from me? This place holds a foreboding to it like nothing I've felt before…"

Jim let his eyes slide closed as if trying to recall something; trying to remember the events that happened while he was on this planet. Yet, he could already see everything. It was so simple to remember what had happened down there. So he couldn't understand why it was he felt this way, he just knew that he had to.

"I'm beaming down."

"No!"

"Jim you can't!"

"Keptin!"

The protests were stopped as Pike rose up. Here and now the other was stepping in. Would it really be so soon that Pike would make that call?

"Jim, what aren't you telling us?" Pike went straight to the point and Jim could only smile a tight smile.

"If they have any survivors it's our duty to go retrieve them. I know Starfleet doesn't bargain with hostages, but they're not bargaining anything. If they wanted me dead then I'd be dead already." Jim straightened up and gave Pike the most reassuring smirk he could offer, "Sulu I want you on conn. Nyota keep an ear on me at all times unless I say otherwise, and get Scotty to the transporter room."

Jim patted McCoy on the shoulder, "You're welcome to follow me to the transporting pads but even if you try they're not going to let anyone but me beam down. They're a highly advanced society with capabilities beyond what we can comprehend. They knew I'd be back…I just hadn't thought it'd be so soon or under these situations. My guess is they pulled this stunt to bring us here."

"I'm going with you. You're going to tell me everything! And I mean everything."

Everyone seemed hesitant to allow this and expected Pike to step forward now more than ever, but the admiral only took a seat once more. Whatever was going on apparently he was letting Jim take the lead.

It didn't make sense and yet they couldn't argue it further as Jim led McCoy off the bridge.

"This is so cool." Aiden's voice was practically a breath as he tagged along behind McCoy and Jim.

XXXXXXXX

"Jim."

Blue eyes lifted to meet the trio standing across the room. It felt odd being alone standing on the pads. He had always been accustomed to beaming off with a group, or at least being accompanied by Spock. However, right now…that was the purpose of this.

This was for Spock.

If he kept telling himself that perhaps the tremors would stop in his hands, and his pulse would decrease. However, at the moment it seemed like they were only words. As if they were just an empty hope he was foolishly trying to believe.

"Bones, you won't stop me."

The doctor knew already that there was no stopping Jim.

Coming down from the bridge he had witnessed the captain return full force in the other. Really, if he doubted it up on the bridge he knew it by now. From the way he was carrying himself to the smallest alteration in his voice, Jim was back, and right now he wanted to get his first officer back. His mate back. His fiancé back.

Jim had been right. They hadn't died in the explosion, and yet everyone else had been so quick to dismiss any chance of survival. What with witnessing such an explosion who could blame them? Yet, there was Jim denying them with reasons such as not enough wreckage left over. Leave it to Jim to notice such a small occurrence and have it play such a huge effect.

They hadn't touched much more on the planet or its inhabitants.

Jim had briefly answered a few questions. Such as there were elders, and that he had a reason to tell Bones what he had. However, because it was Jim he had managed to talk his way around answering what the hell that meant, and even altered the conversation into how Aiden managed to follow them along throughout this and over the duration of their travels.

Really McCoy couldn't recall how it was he came to accept the kid's desire to be on board the ship. It was just like he had to. Other than that there wasn't much else to say. The kid was as stubborn as McCoy himself, and after a while he just stopped fighting it and kept the kid in check whenever he had to.

They arrived at the transporter room not long after only for Bones to realize the entire conversation had been diverted. He grumbled about it at first until Jim mentioned that Spock was down there. That pretty much sucked the wind right out of McCoy's sails.

There wasn't arguing with Jim now. Not after Jim had shared information on Spock and his relationship status with McCoy. The other was clinging to strands here and if Spock wasn't down there McCoy couldn't imagine the damage that could cause. He wouldn't stop Jim from the chance to reunite with the damn hobgoblin.

However, that didn't mean he didn't like that Jim was heading down alone. In fact he was surprised they were all just allowing this.

Wasn't that the reason Jim had gone missing the first time? They had been beamed back to the Enterprise and left Jim alone. Thus he had been tortured and broken. Yet, here they were practically tossing him off the ship onto the planet. It didn't sit right with McCoy, dammit it didn't sit right at all.

Yet, when he went to voice his protest the words that came out seemed like a betrayal of his mind to mouth filter.

"Just be safe kid, and come back in one piece."

"Thank you."

Jim sighed and smiled at McCoy's words like they had meant the world to him. It was obvious Jim had been hurt by the lack of trust up on the bridge, and McCoy had tried to smooth it away with his pushing Jim into the captain chair. However, this seemed to really tie things over, because Jim was sending him one of those honest smiles and not another one of those plastered smirks.

He really truly appreciated McCoy's trust, even if McCoy had meant to say something else completely. It still brought out such a look and now McCoy couldn't even try and take back his words for fear that he'd put the pain back in those blue eyes.

"Energize."

XXXXXXXX

"Welcome. James Kirk. We have been expecting you."

Jim barely managed to fully beam upon the planet before three figures stepped forward to address him.

They were more humanoid than some of the other inhabitants he recalled from the planet; however, they were much lankier in comparison to a normal human form. With an extended neck and five set of eyes they were definitely not human. Their skin was almost lavender in color and a current as if made of orange electricity seemed to pulse just beneath the surface.

Their species would have been interesting had Jim's first encounter with them not been so traumatic.

"Yes, I remember you still from my last visit. You have the ability to see-"

"The possible futures. However, there are many alterations that come with the choices made." One of the closest of the three stepped forward as they spoke cutting Jim off. "We wish condolences for your suffering. You are much stronger than we had originally understood. Now we understand your capabilities. However, we regret that our gift has supplied an alteration.

"There had been mention deep in our own whispers of such an event occurring. We feared for it and in a desire to prevent such things from happening we presented the charm as a gift in an effort to prevent such events and alter the course of those timelines. However, that seems to not have been the case. Instead we have become the reason as to why the events are even a possibility. Had we not interfered this would not have transpired."

Another stepped forward to join the first and something shined behind them.

Two shifted closer and yet out of the way of something. Something Jim hadn't expected and something he hadn't been prepared to see.

His eyes clenched shut, and he immediately turned his head away, in an effort to not look at what was presented before him.

"You are lost James Kirk." She, for it had to have been a female in comparison to size and posture of the other two, lifted her hand and held it out to Jim. "You have wandered a continual path seeking answers and yet have found yourself meeting your own footsteps."

"Your dreams are not because of your hesitation to captain your ship. You had needed a drive to push you back into that position. We had supplied such a purpose." The first male spoke again addressing something that Jim had not expected and yet could not linger on as a greater problem needed to be addressed.

His eye snapped open to follow along with the ferocity in his words.

"You blew up a federation space station to bring me here! You destroyed so much in an effort to place me back in the captain's chair?"

"It was a necessary loss." The female bowed as if to offer a condolence for such a loss, "However, we had not been the cause of its destruction. It was you who brought about its demise."

"W-what are you getting at? I hadn't even been at command during the time. I was barely even on the bridge long enough to-"

"Yes, we are aware that you had not physically struck the space station. However, it was because of you that such events have played out."

The female took another step this time out of the way completely. Allowing Jim a chance to stare completely at the surface they had been blocking; to allow him to stare at the reflection in the crystallized stone.

Jim took a step back and cast his eyes to the ground clenching his hands into tight fists at his side.

"Stop."

"James Kirk…you have been followed. You have been watched." The third spoke up now after remaining silent for so long, "What is it you have seen? What had you witnessed in the landscape of your mind? What trapped you within those mirrors? What followed you out? What is it you see now? What followed you out?"

Jim pulled back further and stumbled away clutching at his head.

"No. It's my mind…it's my mind playing tricks on me. They're lingering events. I…I haven't been seeing anything."

"James Kirk you have been lost."

"You have found yourself drifting and have become fearful of you own reflection."

"What is it you see?"

"Spock." Jim choked on the words and shook his head in desperation, "Where are the survivors? You said that you have the survivors. Return them to me,"

"James Kirk you pose a threat to our universe."

"You were meant to be torn to shreds with our gift. We had insisted that your demise was vital. The Romulans had truly believed you were an obtainable death."

"Why is it you live?"

"This some kind of sick game? I lived because I wasn't ever going to let you or any Romulans drag be down. I fought and I won. That's how I work. Haven't you heard by now? I don't do no win scenarios." Jim's words were a strength he barely realized he was capable of pulling up still, and he lifted up to stand proudly as he spoke. He hadn't let them destroy him, he had survived, and he wouldn't let them alter that now.

"James Kirk we offer you another gift."

"Take it and it will offer you a reprieve for the events that will surely come."

"I'm not taking any more gifts from you, especially after you just told me the last was purposely meant to destroy me. Now return my crew and those on board the Element." His command was direct and his dismissal plain. He was growing tired of dancing around the matter at hand. They called him down because of the people who survived. Now he wished to have them returned. He was done being played a fool.

"We express condolences at the suffering we have caused you. However, because our actions were meant to prevent such events we had believed you must die. We had been incorrect to assume this would have been manageable. A purpose hangs greatly around you, a protection that will always bring you to survive until one fatal date. We were wrong to assume, and now know that you are the only one capable of righting these wrongs." The female bowed low to lift Jim's chin. The shock of the touch leaving Jim straining to not back away. "You may cause the destruction of our universe or you may alter courses beyond our own perception...The choice is yours. Either way you will take our gift with you when you leave."

"And what makes you so sure of that?" Jim's eyes narrowed and he took a step back away from the trio, "What do you mean the universe is at risk? How does this have anything to do with me-"

"Do you wish to reunite with your mate?"

Jim stilled at the words and all anger and frustration fluttered away as concern returned full force. Of course they would know of his relationship with Spock. Would they truly use the other as a means to persuade Jim's hand in this matter. He wouldn't just sit back and let this happen.

"Don't you talk about him!"

"Do you wish to return to your fiancé?"

A pounding struck against his temple and he reached blindly to grasp at his head. A dull thrum once hovering like an echo in his mind now came to the front with a piercing scream calling Jim's awareness to the absence. Reminding Jim that there was something still remaining within his mind that was not his own. A presence he longed to return, to smooth away the echo of its once comforting place within.

"Stop."

"Had you truly believed him dead?"

Jim slumped to the ground his hands covering his face as he tried to drive away whatever was going on around him. This wasn't right. Spock was here...Spock was supposed to be here. Of course he didn't believe him to be dead.

"No."

"Do you wish to see him once more?"

Yes. Yes, please. He needed to see Spock again. Needed reassurance that the other was still alive and within reach. Why though did each word hold a foreboding tone to it? Why then did he want them to not say anything else?

"Please, stop."

"Do you wish to hold him again?"

More than anything. He needed it as much as breathing. Needed it to wash away this pain and to loosen this weight upon his chest-upon his heart.

"Yes…"

"James Kirk you will take our gift."

No...not after what had happened last time. It was too great a risk to accept such a thing. They couldn't convince him to take it.

"Understand that, though we tried to rescue all on board the space station we could not prevent the fate that befell your Vulcan and the other officers."

No! No please. He couldn't hear those words. His breath seemed to escape him in a choked gasp, and his knees slide out beneath him dropping him more fully to the ground below. He couldn't hear those words. Spock was here...Spock was supposed to be here.

"Oh god, no…"

"They live."

"Do you wish to reunite with your love?"

His mind was pounding and confusion was making his thoughts sway unsure now what to be feeling. Hadn't they just said...didn't he just hear...?

"I thought…you hadn't been able to save him."

"James Kirk you will take our gift."

"In it you will find the answers you seek, and a reprieve to your problem."

"You are lost, your mind trapped between two points.

"What would you give to return to his side?"

Spock wasn't here...Spock was still alive. Spock was out there. He could find him. There was still a chance. He would offer his mind again if that was the cost they requested. He would give them whatever they asked. Just bring him back. Just to see him alive again.

"What will this gift do in return for using it? What costs must I give for it?"

"What would you pay to save the one you love?"

Anything. Everything. All I have and more. You want the world and I will tear universes down if you return him to me...if you bring him back.

…

…

"I'll take your gift."

…

…

"Very well."

He felt the cold press of metal slip into his hands and pulled the object close, protecting the promise it brought with it.

"We will lead you to your people now."

* * *

**AN:** Confused? Hopefully not too too much, but there should be some confusion : )

So, sorry. No Spock on this planet...but really? Last we saw of him he was with Jim and there was a gun involved. I don't think that's quite here, and now. haha. There will be more in store on that. I'm actually...not going to do a fifth part to Chapter Three. So, please ignore earlier comment on that. I'm just going to wrap that all up at the beginning of Chapter Four.

That would make this the end of chapter three. Which means next chapter is more than likely devoted completely to getting to Spock...wherever that might be *bwahahaha* jk. Though man oh man. Some serious hints placed in this chapter. Don't fret if you don't catch them. I don't want you to ; )

If you do, then I tip my hat to you. Otherwise you'll see answers showing up for one of them here soon and another wont show until the third arch.

Oh! Which reminds me. Chapter Four will probably conclude arch numeral uno. Insane! haha. Though 12 pages in so far...I'd say it's working out well. Atm I'm guessing this story will conclude in the 30's maybe 40's but that seems pretty long so I'm not sure. I plan to keep to a faster posting schedule so shouldn't have to wait too too long for it to get there.

Hope you enjoyed and are enjoying this story so far. I will post again as soon as I can, because really I'm missing Spock and wouldn't mind pulling him back into our tale again :D


	13. The One I've Loved:Four

_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._

**Warnings: **For complete Badassery (I don't care if it's not a word I'm using it), Surprises, Language, and much-much more : D

**AN:** So! Chapter Four, this is insane cuz basically it feels like chapter thirteen from all those parts to each chapter. Anyway ready for some ridiculous alterations and some more confusion? Because basically Chapter Four is going to…I dunno…change your world? Ah, that just makes me sound cocky when really it's just spoiling surprises. Hopefully you will all like where this is heading...plus! Here there will be Spock : )

**AN2:** Also let me say now that I am horrible. Really it's been over a week, and yet I'm only now posting. So, I am totally at fault for that. I'd like to blame it on being busy, but that's not the issue…well it is but it also isn't. I couldn't post what I had written for this. Because this is the final chapter in the first arch it had to be executed to a certain higher level, or perfect-ish. It had to meet my own standards and hopefully you all enjoy how it played out.

So without further prolonging, please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Four (Part One):

XX

Mirror.

The '_gift_' that he was given from the Suxens was a locket. It was small, about the size of half dollar, and held by a chain. It was another necklace, of sorts, this way he would be able to keep it near.

Jim had held it tight in his hand until he had returned on board the Enterprise. He wasn't really aware when exactly he had placed it upon his neck, but it hung like a pleasant and unbearable weight. It lingered there like a constant reminder; a constant message driving home its importance.

Only now had he truly dared to finger it open; to look at what was inside.

After the complaints from Bones about even taking the cursed charm again; after all the pain that damn last one caused. After the bridge threw a fit about the new set course, and requested more information on what the elders could mean by all they said.

Of course the bridge had listened in to the entire conversation. Jim had given Nyota prior instructions to do so. It had been to appease the concerns of letting him off on his own. He had known they wouldn't like this all happening so soon and felt giving them an ear in would ease away all the fears brought up.

They had heard everything and yet wouldn't understand anything. Not like Jim did. Not when he knew all the risks that would need to be given.

So, he plotted a course and took them all to the nearest space station. Those who had survived the blast to the Element needed to be looked over and returned home. The Enterprise was a mighty ship, but she would not be a wise decision for such a large transportation. They couldn't comfortably accommodate that many bodies let alone sufficiently supply oxygen and food for so many; eventually their sources would run out.

Could they make it, yes. Would it be a wise decision, no. So, Jim made a call and decided the best response was to shuttle them off to the next space station where they could be given a place to remain until a more prepared ship could take over.

It was the most logical decision

Yet, here he was stuck up in a room, three guards on the door, sitting alone to wait for the return call. His fingers had stroked at the locket almost religiously over the time it took to get to this point. It would give him the answers he sought.

He awaited a call and couldn't keep his mind off the locket.

Pulling it from around his neck he sunk the nail of his thumb into the crease and forced the two halves apart. Forcing the locket to open up like a book and reveal what answers lay within.

It shouldn't have surprised him what would be within the locket.

Upon opening it there were two halves. The right side was the same gold as the locket itself with the words SuxeN carved into its surface. A small mirror completely covered the entirety of the left side, and left Jim's heart stilling at the sight.

It only took a moment to catch something in the reflection. It only took a moment to debate throwing the charm as far from his person as possible, but hesitating not to. It only took a moment to realize who was reflecting back at him; what his eyes were seeing.

"Spock."

XXXXXXXXX

"_Please refrain from firing such a weapon."_

_Auburn eyes had stayed matched with startling blue eyes. It was still almost mocking how similar this person resembled his own James. Though, actions seemed to speak louder than words in this instance and Spock was only able to come to one conclusion; this was not his Jim Kirk. _

_However, with an archaic gun placed to his temple and a look of loathing emitting from those blue eyes, he knew that he would have to handle this situation cautiously. It would accomplish nothing if he spoke the wrong words and further enraged this version of his James. _

"_Whatever impression I have given that led you to believe I pose a threat, is incorrect-"_

"_Incorrect? Well, please Spock, correct me if I am wrong, but was it not you who dropped me here? Was it not you who left me to die? Is that not enough of an impression to leave behind that would lead me to such actions? Had you truly believed you could return here and I would be all smiles and welcoming?" _

"_Interesting." _

_Apparently his words had only managed to rile the other up further, but it was intriguing to witness such events. How similar this man was to his own Jim, like a mirror image. _

_As well it appeared that in this universe an identical replica of his own person existed. It also appeared that Jim and Spock of this universe had in fact met, or crossed paths, but they were not on good terms. By the sound of it, he could only understand that the pair never saw past the hatred towards one another. _

"_I should kill you now and rid this universe of you for good." _

_Yes, it would appear that the pair of them were not on any terms remotely similar to his relationship with his own James. _

_Though, there were many similarities; such as the way he carried himself, and the look in his eyes. Whatever hate he seemed to hold for Spock there was a hesitation to immediately kill the other. If this was because of some lingering affection or because the oddity of such a situation occurring; Spock was going to use this in his favor. _

"_I believe that if you truly wished to do so, you would have already. Now, I request again that you refrain from firing such a weapon at my person." _

_Spock knew that by stating such things he could potentially anger the other further, and yet knew that Jim would not shoot first. By speaking so boldly it would force the other to doubt. It would fluster the other and in an effort to regain his footing, Jim would wish to display a show of confidence. He would not fire because that would be the obvious reaction, but he would not pull away because that would show hesitance and weakness. _

_He would prolong until he regained his stature and dominance in the situation, before he would react. This would give Spock time. _

"_And why would I do that?"_

_It was good that there were some similarities between this Jim and his own. Now he would have to lay down all of his cards, and trust that this Jim would be amused enough or overwhelmed enough to hear him out. _

"_I am not the Spock you believe me to be, James." _

XXXXXXXX

"James Kirk."

The room was alight now as the screen no longer lay blank. There before him was Admiral Komack, Admiral Archer, and Admiral Barnett. It wasn't as many of the admirals as he had been expecting, but at this late hour it was more than he had believed would actually show.

"Hello Admirals, quite an evening isn't it?"

Jim's smirk was met with a cool gaze from all three, though Komack seemed to be the most pleased of the bunch. A small twitch at the corners of his lips was a clear sign of this, as he tried to smother down his excitement.

It shouldn't really surprise anyone that Komack was the one to break the silence and the stare down to speak up first.

"James Kirk. You have brought mutiny to your superior officer, took charge of the flagship Enterprise, and in doing so immediately ignored protocol on a hostage situation. You left your ship without a commanding officer in a failed attempt to find your crew, but more specifically to find your first officer. Which, correct us if we are wrong, but you have been romantically involved with since your return to Earth?"

Komack smirked as he concluded such a hefty accusation, but before Jim was even given an instance to try and reply, Barnett spoke up.

The man was once again seated between the pair, and was still the obvious power amongst the trio. His word mattered above the others, and yet he allowed Komack the chance to speak up first. Now he would carry on the conversation, and Jim would have to sit tight until he was allowed to speak.

"Kirk you have proven to us that you are incapable of continuing captaincy. Your ship is to remain docked on this station until the ordeal with the Element survivors has been concluded. By that time the Enterprise is under strict orders to bring you on a return trip back to Earth. Were we will, by that time, have decided upon a proper punishment to fit such actions."

Barnett paused after this speech to sit up from his chair, and a look of sympathy seemed to light the corners of the man's eyes as they met with Jim's, "Please understand that as the one who prevented war upon the Federation, we wish to handle this situation with as much delicacy as possible. Until further notice, Pike will return as Captain and this entire mutiny never occurred. Is that clear, Kirk?"

Jim lifted his gaze, unsure when it had fallen back to the locket in his hand. He quirked a brow at the trio in question. Was it finally acceptable for him to speak? The un-amused look that was shown back at him was enough an answer to the unspoken question.

"Crystal clear, sir." Jim's reply was an even and flat tone, but his eyes radiated with a mustered vibrancy as he listened to both Admiral Komack and Barnett prattle on about the situation.

"Good, now we have already spoken to Admiral Pike on these orders. Protocol requires that we must place you under constant watch. You will see this as a restriction. However, this is us being kind to you, Jim. Know that under normal circumstances you should've been immediately detained and held under custody until your trial."

Jim's eyes turned to Archer, of the three his tone was sincere to a degree of actually meaning it, and yet the words were an obvious dismissal. They weren't concerned or sympathetic of Jim and the loss. They were concerned for themselves.

"Word of your hero being arrested for mutiny would look bad for Starfleet and the Federation, don't worry I get it. Is there anything else I can do for you Admirals or is that all?"

Jim's words were meant to reflect his own disdain for the immediate disregard for those who were gone. For the dismissal of everything in an attempt to sweep all possible smudges on the Federations great reputation under the rug.

"Jim Kirk, you are hanging onto our good side by threads at this point. Please try and refrain from pushing at those limitations."

Jim dipped his head at the trio, "Of course. I will try and remain at my up most best, sirs. I apologize for everything so far. Now, if you do not mind…I believe my presence is no longer required and I wish to return to my room."

Barnett was the first to sigh at Jim's dismissal and though the words prior were meant in upmost respect, they only seemed to set an unease upon the Admirals. Yet, with nothing to go on and too far away to do much else, they agreed to let him go.

"You're dismissed for now Kirk."

...

...

The screen went blank, and yet Jim remained.

His eyes were stuck on the screen. The blue hue had dimmed during the conversation but his thoughts were wild and expressive just in the deepest recesses of his eyes.

The black surface of the screen reflected back at him. He no longer felt the desire to curl away from what he saw. His eyes remained looking ahead. He remained just blankly gazing forward. Whatever he was seeing, whatever was going on didn't matter. It wouldn't deter him from what was needed to be done. It would not pull him away from the present.

He was alone for a moment, but already he could feel the restrictive presence of the three security guards just outside his door. They were fine, honestly, whose bright idea had it been to assign his own men to detain him?

Jim pushed up, with a resigned sigh, knowing that much was about to change. He knew what needed to be done, but regretted what was to come.

XXXXXXXX

_He laughed out an un-amused snort at the ridiculousness of such words._

"_You are not the Spock I believe you to be?" _

_It was evident the other did not truly buy the words Spock had emitted, but there was doubt now placed within Jim's thoughts. There was hesitation in his hand holding the gun. _

"_As those are the words I had just spoken not moments ago, I find it unnecessary to repeat myself." _

_Spock's tone was calm and as collected as ever as he continued on. _

"_You are mistaken that I had accomplished such actions against you. I have no evidence to support such a claim; however, the only explanation that I have concluded by such a situation is that I am from a parallel universe to your own. Therefore, in appearance I am in fact the same Spock you speak of, yet in actuality I am not. As you are not the James I had been referring to moments prior. Killing me in place of your Spock may give you closure, but it will not accomplish the revenge you wish to gain by doing so." _

"_Okay…just stop. Stop speaking for a second." _

_There._

_Jim pulled away as Spock's words brought hesitation to the forefront. This mirror image of his Jim rubbed uneasily at his face and sighed as he tried to gather his thoughts. _

_It was all Spock needed. That short pause and he moved. That short pause was the opening he had been waiting for. _

_His body was not in excellent condition, but it was better than this Jim had estimated and now that the threat of an antique weapon was gone, he struck. It wasn't even remotely a fair fight as Spock not only took Jim by surprise but overpowered the other. He dropped Jim down upon the bed and moved, setting the tip of the weapon against the human's forehead. _

"_It would be advised for you to not move." Spock cocked the gun when Jim went to shift up, but the other stilled immediately at the sound. "I have no inclination that I may persuade you to believe the words I have spoken. They are true all the same. Now, I have woken to find myself not in my own universe, and you will assist in aiding my return or you will find that I will not hesitate to fire upon you."_

* * *

_AN: Good? Hopefully, and yay Spock turning the tables! Woot. haha. Don't worry I won't leave you all with just that. I mean...Jim sounds super suspicious can't just leave you all hanging in the abyss. *grins* _

_Part two is almost done and should be posted here in just a bit. Then I'm off to work on part three...which I think may be the end of chapter four. We will see. :)  
_


	14. The One I've Loved:FourTwo

_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._

**Warnings: **For complete Badassery (I don't care if it's not a word I'm using it), Surprises, Language, and much-much more : D

**AN:**As I had forgot to mention in my post just moments ago, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed so far. Sorry for the insane-ness which is this story, it probably won't get any less insane...probably only more so. haha. Hopefully not too too bad though. There's an interesting surprise at the end of this post, and next post we will actually see that Jim's one step closer to getting to Spock's side again. Which is good?

Also in the next arch we finally will know what Jim's been seeing in all those reflections. For now, we must lead up to the conclusion of this first arch.

Please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Four (Part Two):

XX

Stepping out of the room, Jim was met with his security guards. Just as the Admirals ordered, he was to be led back to his current room on board this space station.

It felt ironic that he had relocated them to another one of the Federation's Space Station. Spock was lost on board one not even a day ago. However, for now his mind couldn't linger on that. For now he had to keep focused. He let them lead him back towards his room, knowing that they had strict orders to follow; he felt bad for what would come, he really did.

...

...

It was late and the halls were vacant.

...

...

"Anders, do you have the current time?"

The words were barely a soft drawl, bored almost, as Jim followed between the three; speaking up to the leader of them all.

"2428, to be precise sir, roughly 2430. Late for a personal call."

"Well inconveniencing the admirals is a personal pass time of mine." Jim smirked and hummed slightly in amusement at his own words. He slowed his steps some and rubbed at his neck, feigning growing tired. "To be honest, I'd say that the conversation probably wrapped up closer to 2300…I just had some alterations to work out. I also had some things on my mind."

"Understandable, Captain. Was there a reason you wished to know the time, sir?"

"Hmm?" Jim looked up and over to meet Ander's gaze, "Oh yes…well no. You'll probably see here in just a minute. You are more than welcome to accept it as just basic curiosity."

Jim knew that by saying this he would raise confusion and suspicion within the three guards. However, as the guards stilled at the unusual comment, so did the lights.

Flickers were met with an immediate shut down.

…

2 seconds before back-up lights come on. 45 minutes and counting.

…

Sounds of startled gasps and choked breaths were followed by thuds.

…

Clicks of shoes disappeared and quieted as they fell into silence.

…

Alarms blared to life and emergency power pulled light back into the halls.

…

35 minutes

…

Uproar and pandemonium filled the halls as everyone was placed on alert. The space station set to search out the possibility of an intruder or intruders.

…

30 minutes

…

Power was being returned to the station only to once again be struck as an encryption brought it down again and placed up another attack.

Panic began to set in as this would be the second space station to be attacked. News had traveled quickly from those on board the Enterprise to those on board this station. So with all eyes focused internally, many did not stop to consider what was going on behind the scenes.

No one was concerned about the ships docked. No one was concerned about the guards stored off in a room and out of sight. No one noticed Jim's absence.

The Enterprise crew, Admiral Pike, and those who had long since been upon this station were all focused on the problem at hand. They all were missing that this was all programed into a certain computer dock. They all missed that this wasn't more than noise to pull panic up from already placed concerns. They all were too mixed up to realize this was all part of Jim's escape.

XXXXXXXX

"_Alright, let's take a moment to realize that if you kill me…you will have no one to assist you. You'll lose your only connection to this universe."_

"_I believe that if such a loss is required to protect my own person, than it will be a regrettable but necessary cost."_

"_Okay, okay." Jim gulped and let his eyes slide shut, "This is what we can do-"_

_The words were soft spoken and calm as Jim tried to reason with the other. However it was all a bluff._

_He kicked up slamming his knee into the Vulcan's wounded side and smacked the weapon out of Spock's hands all in an effort to disarm and attack. Disarming worked, as did the initial attack. However, when Jim went to further this attack Spock struck out landing a perhaps too harsh nerve pinch to the human's neck._

_If he placed the unconscious Jim back on the bed with a practiced and gentle ease; that was just out of habit. The male did in fact look so much like his own Jim, his T'hy'la._

"_James…" _

XXXXXXXX

"Jim."

The words should have made the young captain jump and yet, Jim was too busy working over the screen and tapping away to even bother with such actions. He couldn't spare a moment of his time to freak out, but he could definitely spare the effort to voice his protest.

"Dammit Bones, get outta here! You are not stopping me."

"Are you out of your mind Jim? What were you planning on doin' just fly the Enterprise out on your own? Just take off without any reason; without telling anyone? You weren't even planning on saying goodbye to any of us?"

This time Jim was unable to turn to meet the gaze of the other, not because of a time limit but for fear of how he would react to doing so. He couldn't stop, and he most definitely couldn't stay behind. This was about rescuing Spock, and about keeping the others safe. Turning back now, stopping now, would prevent him from doing so.

"The plan was to go on my own. I'm not risking more lives, now get off this ship. I have a time limit here and cannot deal with this now."

"Keptin I'm sure zhat we vould gladly assist in your plan in getting mizter Spock back."

Jim couldn't suppress the groan from slipping out as he was forced to lift his gaze at the additional voice. As he was forced to see just what Chekov meant by 'we' and who all were there alongside Chekov and Bones. He was met with all those he had been trying to avoid ever since they had docked on this space station. Those who he most wished to protect.

…

25 minutes

…

"No."

The one syllable word was ground out between clenched teeth as Jim rose to fully stand before the group.

"You have no idea what you're signing up for. This is far too risky, and I'm not about to let any one of you risk that. There is no foreseeable future after this step. I'm not sure what all will happen, but there is one thing I'm positive of. Stealing this ship alongside me, it will cost every one of you your careers. I won't allow you to give that. Now please, I'm requesting this as kindly as I can manage under such circumstance, get off my ship."

Jim's words were met with silence as everyone seemed to battle who would step up first. Apparently McCoy would still always be one of the first to not take any of Jim's shit and stand up against the other, as well as alongside.

"Face it Jimmy, a career without you really ain't what we signed up for." McCoy smirked at this stepping forward to clap the other on the shoulder, "I'm not about to let you run off and pull some ridiculous save-the-day-hero-stunt without me there to patch you up when it's all over and done with."

Jim tried to muster his own grin at the doctor's words, but before he was even given the chance to respond Sulu stepped forward.

"Jim, we all overheard what happened down there. We know that Spock is still alive, and we know that whatever happened to Spock. It's because of something bigger going on, something that involves you. We're not about to let you fight this one on your own captain. You fought on the sidelines last time and kept us all from crumbling down even with your mind fractured. Let us help you fight this battle. Let us keep you from crumbling down."

Sulu was joined by the young navigator, who took up the hand of the Asian pilot, and yet still managed to smile at Jim reassuringly.

"Yes, Keptin. Allow us to assist you." Chekov huffed at Jim's attempt to protest these words, "Vere you not ze one who requested for me to do ze scan of ze space station, and yet you did not broach on it furzher? I saw zhat zhere was an anomaly. Zhat vas what you had guessed, ya? Ve know zhat somezhing iz going on. Now let us help."

McCoy smirked at the duo and the effect the words seemed to have on the captain. He squeezed the hand on Jim's shoulder enough to draw the attention back and shook the kid lightly as he spoke.

"Add to all that mumbo jumbo, you didn't really think that we wouldn't find it odd that James T. Kirk would just drop everything and go crawling to the nearest space station because it was proper procedures? Not while knowing that everything was still left unsettled. You can't really believe any of us are that blind, now can you? What you take us for, fools?"

Jim groaned, but knew already that he didn't stand a chance against any of those present.

XXXXXXXX

_Spock's eyes lingered on the other lying still on the bed. It left a pungent aftertaste that he had not only struck out but rendered the other unconscious. He knew at this point that it was not his own Jim, and yet in appearance it was hard to tell. His mind and his heart fought as they looked down at the other. It did, however, drive one clear message to both his mind and his heart; he needed to get back home and back to his mate. _

_So, with more strain then the task should've taken, Spock took measured steps away from the bed and from this version of Jim. He walked without the desire to fully lose sight of the other, but to get to the nearest window. If anything, the best place to start in getting home would be to figure out his current location, and then plan from there._

_He wasn't one to leap ahead blindly; he needed to figure out as many facts as possible. To figure out how he managed to get here and how he could find his way back._

XXXXXXXX

"This is me telling you that I'm jumping in blind. This is beyond just going boldly where no man has gone before. This is defying limits and breaking laws. This is a road that has an infinite possibility of endings and I cannot promise anything to any one of you of hope or possibilities."

"We're with you Jim. Deal with that, kid."

…

20 minutes

...

"We're wasting valuable time captain."

Nyota's words drew Jim's attention to her at last and he managed a tight smile seeing that alongside everyone else she also joined along.

"Scotty is already down in the engine room; a couple of his best and brightest at his side. Pike would also like to inform you that this ship is still one of our best and to try not to scratch it in whatever stunt your about to pull. Also that he wishes you well, but will not be able to join, he said you would understand...plausible deniability."

Jim sighed at this running a hand through his hair in dazed bewilderment. This was insane.

"Pike too? Damn, here I had thought I was being so clever."

McCoy laughed out at Jim's words and gave a final clap to the Captain shoulder before pushing Jim in the direction of the captain's chair.

"When it comes to you Jimmy, too subtle is obnoxiously obvious."

"Of course…I should've put that into consideration" Jim chuckled and sighed. "Alright, coordinates are already plugged in, Sulu you think you can pull us out of here nice and quietly? We need as much distance as quickly as possible."

...

15minutes

...

"Aye, captain. That'll be easy."

"No fancy tricks, this time, just pull us out. You've got fifteen minutes to get us out and away before they realize this whole thing was staged and try to prevent this little side trip of ours."

"Aye, sire I'll refrain from the tricks."

Sulu sent a grin over to Jim before leading himself and Chekov to their stations. He immediately went to work and everyone watched as the ship began to slink away from its docked position.

…

10 minutes

…

McCoy let out a sigh as the ship started movement and walked over to stand alongside Jim, who now was fully seated. This left McCoy as the last one standing, as even Nyota had at some point moved to take a seat.

"Jim you have any plan of action for this? I mean aside from that charm or gift, which I doubt has a map and a set of directions on it, they didn't tell you much on where to go."

Jim nodded in agreement. There was no arguing that. They basically told him nothing when it came to the surviving crew. All they informed Jim on was that Spock existed still and that though the locket would assist him in what was to come, it was he-himself that would find the answer to such a question.

XXXXXXXX

_Spock's eyes were struck._

_He had made it to the nearest window just fine, but the layers placed to keep the light out made it difficult at first to even figure out how to gaze outside._

_However, he had managed to peel away a portion of a corner (still taking in consideration that there was a reason for the windows to be so drastically covered and not wishing to destroy the effort put in to make them this way). He chipped away the dark paint and dust. He lifted the cloth away, and managed a section just enough to gaze out of._

_What he saw left him still. _

_Even as he heard the groan and shift of the other waking, he couldn't make himself move. _

"_This…this planet that he left you on…do you know of it?" Spock's words were barely there but he knew that in the small space the other had heard him._

XXXXXXXX

"They said I'd know."

Idly Jim's hand lifted to finger along the locket, to feel the coolness of the metal beneath his fingers. If McCoy thought this was strange, or even noticed it, he did not mention it as he kept speaking.

"And do you know?"

Jim chuckled at the question for the answer was most definitely not one the doctor would wish to hear.

"Not a clue, but I got a good estimate and I'm pretty sure it's as good a guess as any."

Blue eyes turned away from the view screen to look towards the doctor. The older man had groaned out loud at Jim's admittance and shook his head.

"Oh great. We're stealing a ship and rushing off on a hunch."

A crackle and some static was followed by a familiar Scottish accent.

"Mighty fine adventure if you ask me."

"Scotty!" Jim smirked at the sound of the Scotsmen, his eyes lifting away from McCoy even though Scotty was way down in engineering.

"Good evenin' to yah Cap'n glad to aide in your rebellious side, Sir. Ships in tip top shape. Should have no troubles at all in making a good distance between us and that there station. Any word on where you might be taking us?"

The request was met with those on the bridge all turning to lock eyes on the captain; all those except Sulu, and Chekov. The former of which was busy pulling them out of dock, and the later was busy stuck with his eyes on the screen before him. A look of disbelief overcasting usually joyful blue eyes.

"Aye keptin...I-I don't zhink you plugged ze right coordinates in. Zhis cannot be vhere you want to go."

…

5 minutes

...

Jim hummed in understanding but let his eyes slip close against the confusion. He could practically feel Chekov move in the chair to finally turn and face him; like the others were still doing. Vibrant blue eyes opened to look forward at Chekov's paler blue eyes, and he tried to give a reassuring look.

"No, Pavel, those are the correct coordinates."

Chekov's eyes narrowed in confusion, and the disbelief set in fuller if possible, "Nyet."

McCoy's hand settled firmly on Jim's shoulder pivoting the other's attention away.

"Where you taking us kid?"

"Jim?"

"Captain?"

Jim groaned and rubbed at his face as everyone on the bridge bombarded him with the same question. Hadn't they just agreed to boldly leap alongside him? Would knowing the destination really alter so much? Weren't these questions they should have thought to ask before just outright agreeing?

They had barely two minutes now until word would arrive about them stealing a ship; two minutes until they were criminals and thieves. Was this really the opportune time to be concerned about the final destination?

It wasn't like Jim knew the exact location where he was needed to go. As McCoy only just pointed out, Jim was following his gut.

"We're heading back to where Spock most likely cannot be."

XXXXXXXX

_This couldn't be the place he thought it was. His mind was playing tricks on him, and yet he couldn't tear his gaze away._

_Feet meeting stone floors left a brief clap of sound echoing over Spock's question._

"_It was meant as a cruel reminder of what we lost…of course I know what planet this is. You…or he…or whatever…Spock had chosen this place specifically."_

XXXXXXXX

Perhaps not the best answer to give, seeing as it caused an immediate uproar from the man closest near him.

"What in blue blazes is that supposed ta' mean? Aint just about every place in this damn galaxy and universe a likely option for that?"

McCoy's heavy accent and words brought a very faint smirk to Jim's lips as he settled back into his chair. His fingers again clutched at the charm along his neck, stroking the locket as he stared straight ahead. The space station was before them now and would quickly be behind them, "Warp 4, Sulu."

The words barely left Jim's lips and the helmsman was moving to accomplish the task.

…

1 minute

…

"No." Nyota's voice pulled Jim's gaze back to the present. "Jim! You can't mean-?"

Jim watched as they went into warp; as the stars pulled and stretched into patterns of lines around the ship. He sighed out resigned by the continual interrogations and figured that he might as well just answer the damn question. He just knew that after they all knew they might regret having come along with him. He just feared that this might only assist in making them believe him to be one step closer to losing his mind.

He wasn't insane.

XXXXXXXX

_Spock finally lifted his gaze away at the approach of the other. _

_Jim was there, pushing his way between Spock and the window, to force the layers back down and lock the red wash of light from entering the room. _

"_I'm assuming you already know the answer to the question you asked." _

_Jim's words were just as soft spoken as Spock's. _

_Whatever anger or threat they had been to one another before it seemed to dissolve away as Jim met with auburn eyes. As blue met with hollow and masked pain. Yes, Spock recognized this place, but had never thought he would find himself back here._

XXXXXXXX

Jim was just sure of one thing and one thing only. He needed to get Spock back. If that meant the illogical was the logical decision, well at least Spock wasn't here yet to argue against his reasons.

He wasn't insane.

This was the best choice. This was the least possible choice. It was truly the only place he could not be and yet, Jim had such an inkling that in that it was the only place he most likely could be.

"We're heading to Vulcan."

XXXXXXXX

"_This was once my home planet…this is Vulcan."_

* * *

_**AN:** Surprise :)  
_

_Bet that one wasn't seen coming. Alright as I said last post. Off to writing up part three. Hopefully will have that up by today. Depends how it goes...these two sounded alright to post the third still needs some work so fingers crossed. Hope you enjoyed the first two parts though ^ ^  
_

_Also hopefully the bouncing back and forth didn't drive anyone insane. Wanted to get to that conclusion at the same time. Spock and Jim both revealing that the location is Vulcan. Yup, much in store. Sorry for so much delay. Please no flames. *hearts*  
_


	15. The One I've Loved:FourThree

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**Warnings: **Surprises, Language, and much-much more : D

**AN:** I'm sorry no comments that haven't been said already. Here is the conclusion of the first arch. Which was basically Jim returning to Captaincy and getting a standing again. Losing Spock was kind of the start of change and plot, now we are coming into what the next arch will be about. Which spoilers result in me not being able to elaborate further. Hopefully you like it so far, here there's some angst. I apologize in advance but I can't seem to keep away from it all the time haha. Don't let it deter you.

Please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Four (Part Three):

XX

Vulcan.

It wouldn't take more than a couple hours to reach the place, and yet the uncomfortable silence that overtook the bridge made it seem like it might take days. The word had escaped Jim's lips with fear of an uproar or protests, and yet it brought silence.

Right now he was wishing that it had turned into an argument. That he had been able to at least voice why it was he had chosen Vulcan, and yet not even Nyota or Chekov spoke up any further on the matter.

McCoy also slunk away, and everyone seemed to be either too stunned to speak or deep in thought.

It left Jim feeling unsettled. It left him feeling like they all doubted him, and that now they regretted joining him on this journey. Perhaps they would follow his lead to Vulcan if only to amuse this as an irrational first idea. They would believe him to have a list of potentials for other possible places, and after Vulcan all others would seem more realistic. Hit the most unbelievable first so that the others all seemed like a good idea.

Yet, there was no other destination. McCoy had mentioned this himself that Spock could be anywhere in this galaxy or in the entire universe. There was no set destination where the Vulcan could be found.

It left Jim feeling lost, and again he came to realize that subconsciously he had begun to finger the golden locket.

Spock.

He knew what he had seen when he opened the locket, yet it was different this time. The small mirror showed him the Spock he knew. It was strange as if Jim was peering down at the other from an odd angle. As if he was there looking down at his Vulcan lying upon some unknown bed in some unknown room.

It was darkly lit but it was easy to make out Spock, it was easy to see the confusion in those auburn eyes.

'_Where are you…?'_

The thought rang out repeatedly in Jim's mind as he tried to understand where Spock could be, or if what the locket had shown him was even current.

The Suxens could see time itself. This gift may be one of the reasons they managed such things. Perhaps it was showing him a possible future instead of the present? Or possibly this had happened in the past? There was no way to be sure. Yet, Jim feared opening the locket again.

Right now in his mind Spock was alive somewhere. Right now the locket showed his Spock, his mate alive. He couldn't open it again in fear of it showing otherwise.

So he fingered the locket, holding it close, to treasure and recall the image of his Vulcan looking up at him. He would get Spock back. He would find some way to get his Vulcan back.

XXXXXXXX

"Sir incoming message from the admirals and from the space station."

Nyota turned and the sound of her voice over the screeching silence was like a jolt to his system.

He sat up almost immediately and tried to shake away the pounding of his heart. It had taken longer than he had estimated for them to call out. He knew his program only gave him a 45 minute window, and it would take time to get everyone involved and updated on what happened. However, he had believed it wouldn't be long after those initial 45 minutes that the admirals would be calling.

"Patch them both through Uhura. On the screen if you would."

"Aye, captain."

Worried glances drifted to meet Jim, but were quick to turn around. "Leave the bridge now if you don't want to be seen adding and abetting."

Shoulders tensed and straightened as not a single member on his crew backed down.

This left a warmth settling deep within the pit of Jim's stomach and he was glad that the grin wouldn't have to be forced as both the admirals back at Earth and admiral Pike back at the station pulled up on the screen.

"Evening gentlemen."

"James Kirk. You call this your definition of best behavior?" Barnett practically growled at Jim as soon as their image settled on the screen.

All of the admirals were present this time. Not just the three and really they shouldn't have, it almost made Jim feel special, seeing as earlier only three had been capable of making the meeting.

"I suppose the English language is difficult, sir. Lots of varied definition for certain words." Jim smirked, his eyes briefly floated over to meet with Pike's. Pike was the man who stayed behind, knowing that he was letting Jim break laws and regulations if he let them go.

A small incline of his head, was all Jim could offer at the moment in appreciation for how greatly Pike was entrusting Jim at this moment. No longer was there that doubt from their argument on bridge. Jim was not the mutinous boy trying to play at captain again.

Jim was Captain of the Enterprise looking back at his role-model and supporter. Pike was there for the young captain again, even if he did not always agree with Jim's methods he knew that whatever Jim was up to; it would be worth it in the end.

"…and Admiral Pike I'm sure you had no part in all this."

Jim really shouldn't tune out when being reprimanded. He knew that the other admirals had continued speaking about how many laws he had managed to break. About how much trouble this was causing and what did he possibly think this would accomplish. Yet, when they brought Pike's name up, Jim's attention was brought back.

"No more than the rest of you." Jim replied before Pike had been given the chance. "I may not be 100% my old self, admirals, and you may think I've lost who I was completely but know that I am not blind. You all spoke with me hours ago, and all three of you knew that something was going on. It was evident not only in the way you held yourself before me but in your words. However, not a single one of you tried to prevent it.

You asked me to stay on my best behavior. I'm at my best captaining the ship…you know that. You left my own men in charge of guarding me…men that I would know best how to tackle. More importantly you left me out of custody. Now you can try and quote any form of procedure and regulations at me. You can try and explain your methods for handling this situation delicately, but it doesn't change the fact that you all were aware that this was a possibility, just as much as Pike did.

Yet, you left him in charge of dealing with the Element survivors. You kept everyone away and I was left to myself. Really I couldn't have gotten this far without your assistance. So, please don't mock me by laying blame on any one in particular unless you wish to blame me. For in the end I was the one who accomplished it, and I am the easiest one to point fingers at.

Star fleet's Golden boy goes rogue to save missing crew members, and perhaps…just maybe there is some other reason beyond this. Perhaps when we spoke you all were too concerned with what was not handled correctly or what regulations I broke to realize I was the one who informed you of the mutiny. Not Pike, and not someone else. Why then would I willingly give myself up?I wanted everyone off this ship…no I needed them to be off this ship."

Jim chuckled and pushed to stand to fully face the group of Admirals,"The anomaly back at the Space Station Element. The reason it blew up. Did you not question that further? Was it so easy to dismiss?"

Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "The Element had the misfortune of being located at the center of a tear…or a crack. The smallest splinter and the start of a rip in our universe that is what destroyed the Element. Not some attack. Now, you ignored the concern earlier, but I hadn't. So, understand that my crew, they got ripped into that tear alongside a good portion of the Element. I plan on getting them back and preventing such things from happening again. So, you want to point fingers, go for it. You won't stop me."

Silence.

Jim's heavy breathing was the only sound that rang out from any side. After such a speech it seemed no one knew what to say. It shouldn't have been as annoying as it was but Jim growled out as everyone continued to just remain blank. He was sick of the silence.

"Nyota cut the transmission. That's all I have to say to them."

"Jim."

Pike finally spoke up. Pike finally broke out over the silence at Jim's own words, and Nyota hesitated, waiting to see what Jim would say.

Jim held up his hand in wait and turned to face Pike. "You can't get me to stop, Chris. I need to do this."

"Just be safe, you bring them back if you can, but you keep yourself alive this time." Pike replied and his eyes narrowed in the sternest look he could muster, but it was quick to even out. "Try not to pull too many stupid stunts, and let me deal with the politics for when you and your crew finish saving the world again."

Jim laughed out at this but nodded in appreciation, "I'm sure I'll appreciate that when I get back, Admiral."

"Th-This…no! No we are not just alright with this. James Kirk and his crew should be ordered back to the nearest station and detained."

Komack's shout was like a splash of ice water to those on the crew, and before any more protests could come from the communications the screen began to flicker. Suddenly it went completely blank.

"Captain. I'm afraid we must have hit an-"

"Ion storm!"

Chekov's shout startled the communications lieutenant, but didn't stop her as she carried on with mirth lacing her voice.

"Yes…yes, I'm afraid we hit an ion storm and lost the call captain." Nyota smirked at Chekov's assistance and they all turned to face Jim.

The captain laughed at their antics but gave a relieved sigh. "Thank you." He stated and really meant it. He was glad to have their support.

"So Vulcan…iz next tear going to be zhere? Iz zhat vhy you chose it over anyvhere else, Keptin?"

"I don't think so." Jim replied evenly and made short steps over to a certain abandoned station. To a station once reserved to a certain first officer. He didn't care if eyes followed his progress there, or what anyone thought of him by displaying so much just by doing so.

His fingers trailed lightly over the screen and chair.

Spock.

"The Suxens seemed to believe the tear was meant to be there. They knew that it was coming and that was why we had been informed and called there. It was all planned out. We needed to see it first hand, and yet no one was meant to be lost. They-they don't know if the others survived. They said he's alive, Spock is alive, and that I would know how to find him." Jim paused to lift his gaze back to the others, "There isn't any reason I can really give—just that I know we have to go to where Vulcan was. We may not find Spock there, but I'm sure there will be an answer."

"Alright Jim."

McCoy nodded in understanding, "If there's nothing at Vulcan we'll just keep searching until we find them."

Jim's eyes lowered to gaze at the blacked out screen that Spock would normally have alight. It shouldn't have been off…not while all the others were on and working. Even with the first officer absent this station still remained.

Yet, the screen was black, and the reflections kept Jim's eye. What he saw left him feeling cold rather than strong and resilient. Something was causing all these problems and apparently it was Jim who was the reason behind it.

_You have been followed._

_You have been watched._

From the darkness of the screen, eyes not his own stared back alight with a foreboding gleam in the dark hues.

"Or until it's too late."

XXXXXXXX

The words hadn't meant to be so foreboding but Jim walking off the bridge and into the briefing room, left all those remaining uneasy.

McCoy gave them all a hesitant smirk, "Ignore him and his bloody mood swings. I'll go talk with him. Just keep us on path."

It wasn't really all that reassuring, but there wasn't much else to do. Beside let McCoy go.

The doctor entered the room and stared at Jim. The captain was basically facing completely away from everything and staring down at the locket once more.

It was open this time and a type of relief pulled the strain from the young captain's face. It was comforting and yet concerning.

"Jim, mind explaining what's going on? This is past just heading to Vulcan…your keeping something from me."

Jim's thumb stroked at the pendant and he chuckled weakly at Bones' words. Yes, yes he was keeping something from them. He was keeping much from everyone. He hadn't informed Spock, he hadn't informed Bones, and now Spock was gone and it was no longer just his dreams. It was no longer just the mirrors. It was the cup of coffee settling to reflect back at him. It was the panes of glass in the lifts shining back at him. The blank screens. The polished metal. The stone on Suxen.

Every turn he made he saw what had once brought him to his knees.

They said he was being watched, and it was true. He couldn't escape what followed him. It was everywhere now, and it took everything he had to try and pretend he didn't see it. It took all his willpower to try and ignore the chill it sent down his spine.

He was not insane, and yet the more and more it happened he was struggling convincing himself of this. The Suxens spoke of it, and in doing so reassured him that it wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him. Yet, it left him struggling with what it meant; what could be happening.

"Jim."

That was his name, and yet he couldn't draw his eyes up. The locket was the only reflection that showed him something good. Showed him not what a mirror was meant to reflect, but what he wished to see the most.

"Jim!"

He was shaken this time as McCoy literally pulled Jim's eyes up and away from the trance he had fallen under.

"Look at yourself Jimmy! You're going to scare the crap out of everyone. You can't lose it now." McCoy growled and watched as Jim shook his head, "What's going on."

"I can't…"

The words were barely a whisper but they struck the doctor cold.

"What?"

"I can't look at myself." Jim's eyes lifted and the concern and fear was evident, "It was just…a memory of what happened when Spock dragged me out of my mind. Just a bad dream. Then it started with the mirrors." Jim shook as he spoke and a laugh fell from his lips but it was vacant of any mirth, "Now I see him everywhere."

"Who?" McCoy barely managed to breathe the words out. He was stuck looking at the cast of emotions in Jim's eyes. Never before had McCoy seen such fear alight in the other, and yet Jim physically shook just at the thought.

It didn't matter that it didn't make sense. It mattered that Jim was truly and deeply shaken by it.

"I'm not insane Bones…I'm not."

"It's alright Jimmy…no one is saying you are. It's going to be alright." McCoy set a hand on Jim's head pulling the other close and letting it fall to rub at the other's back, "What is it you think you're seeing Jim? What's getting you so shaken?"

"Can't…I can't even explain it. It'd just…I can't right now. Not without it sounding insane. Not without it breaking me. I can't stop seeing him. It's not as bad…not like in my mind, not like before, but it shouldn't be there. I shouldn't have to worry about turning and seeing these false eyes staring back at me. It's wrong. It's so cruel. I just…I need Spock back first. I need him here and then if it still remains-"

Jim sucked in a choked breath at this and McCoy pulled the other closer, "Hey…hey it's going to be alright Jimmy."

Jim pulled from the embrace and wiped a hand along his face trying to pull some semblance of composure. His hands shook as he set them back in his lap and lifted his eyes to meet McCoy's.

"If…if it still remains, maybe it'll be best to keep me grounded. Maybe I didn't fix everything up there."

Jim tried his best at smiling, and even managed to jokingly bump his own fingers to his head, in an effort to emphasize what 'up there' meant.

"Jim."

"I'm not insane. I know what I'm seeing. Even more so now that I've opened the locket. Seen what was inside…" Jim fingers curled along the locket and drew McCoy's gaze down. "I fear what we're going to find when we get to Vulcan. I fear the answers that will come."

"Come on Jimmy." McCoy leaned forward enough to place his head against the other man's. "You're a force to be reckoned with. James T. Kirk doesn't lose a no win scenario. No matter what, just know that when we get there you will have every one of us alongside to help you. You're not fighting alone Jim. You're not alone this time."

"Thanks, Bones." Jim smiled as the other pulled back enough to ruffle Jim's hair and Jim could understand now why Chekov was so adamant earlier against this. It really made him feel like a kid, but McCoy only chuckled at Jim and at his words.

"Yah, yah. Don't go getting all sentimental on me. We've got your hubby to go save."

"Oh, god. Don't call him that!"

Bones laughed out at this appreciating the honest smile from the captain. "Come'n Jim lets head back on to the bridge."

"Just…let's stay here for a lil' longer."

"Alright."

"Thanks."

XXXXXXXX

"Captain…Jim. We're here."

Jim groaned as the words filled the room. At some point he had found his way into a chair and curled up drifting off.

When was the last time he had slept? Was it really back just before Spock had vanished? Was that really only two days ago?

Every time he tried to close his eyes he couldn't stop himself from seeing things he didn't want to see.

Explosions.

Forgotten words of goodbye, and barely there kisses.

Eyes.

Eyes constantly watching.

Following.

Jim's breath hitched and his own eyes flew open. The room wasn't cast in darkness but it had been dimmed to a lower setting, and there not far from where he sat, was McCoy.

The doctor was someone who always seemed to look after Jim and was an always present friend to the other. So, seeing a reassuring presence left Jim to settle back into his own skin once more, and allowed him to muster up a weak smile.

"Shouldn't have let me doze off."

"You seemed like you could use a little shut eye. Not the best accommodations but I'm guessing it's been at least a day since you gave yourself a moment to just stop."

"Still."

"Don't argue with me, it's already gone and passed anyway."

Jim chuckled at the gruff dismissal, and pushed up. His eyes immediately turned to the door and he stilled taking a deep breath. Here and now, they would find out whatever was pulling Jim towards Vulcan. Whatever answer this place could have in the search for Spock.

"Ready?"

McCoy met Jim's eye and really, Jim knew that over everything else he was ready. He was prepared to take that step over the threshold and back onto the bridge. Ready to figure out what was going on.

"Yah."

XXXXXXXX

The doors slid open and McCoy let Jim step out first.

It was like stepping through a web. You don't see it at first but it lingers on your skin sending a shocking shiver pulsing through your system both in disgust and in alarm.

However, there was no web to pull away, and Jim's eyes couldn't bother to look down, for as he stepped back onto the bridge the view screen and the room flickered around him. His eyes caught on one thing; the planet that shouldn't exist anymore. A planet that shouldn't be there and yet no matter how he blinked it didn't disappear.

"Are you seeing this?"

Jim took another step forward and it was like the rest of his surroundings were washing away.

"Jim."

That was McCoy's voice yet, shouldn't it be closer. Wasn't McCoy beside him moments ago?

"Jim!"

The word was a muffled sound like he was underwater, so far away from who was calling out to him. Yet, he knew that it was meant for him. It was because of this that he managed to pull his eyes from the planet before him.

It was because of this that he was able to note that his surroundings had at some point changed.

He turned to look at McCoy, who had been just behind him, and yet the Doctor was not there. His crew was not there.

Though, as he turned in search of McCoy he was met with someone else; someone he hadn't thought he'd see.

"Hello, James."

"Spock."

* * *

**AN: **Alright there is the end of arch numeral uno. : )

Yay cliff-hangers! haha but a good one maybe? Yah...I'm sure next post will be interesting. Expect the unexpected. ^ ^

Hopefully post again soon. Hope you enjoyed, please let me know. I love to hear from you all. Like, hate, love, confusion...reviews help.


	16. The One I've Lost:One

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**AN: **A couple of things.

First I'm on the fence on the direction I want this story to go. I'm posting this initial part, or intro, into the second arch but posts may get slower. I feel like maybe this story has gotten too dark, so just an early apology. Secondly, my other story I'm at a stand-still on and trying to write out this scene with Spock, Pike, Nyota, and Sulu/Chekov is taking longer than I had intended. I'll post as quickly as I can but apologize for the delay. There aren't many tales from the side of the Prince so I'm trying to get creative, but it has not been given up. Finally thanks Ithilien Archer and Lusca Luna for the reviews, you both are basically the only two who reviewed that last whole group of chapters I posted and the reason I'm posting this chapter is because I appreciate the pair of you sticking with me. Thanks.

To everyone else reading thank you and to everyone who has reviewed along the way I still appreciate all your kind words.

Please enjoy.

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter One:

XX

"Hello, James."

Jim stilled as he turned. There before him was the only other he had not expected to cross; not this soon. Thus blue eyes widened at the sight before him.

"Spock."

To say he wasn't surprised, would be a lie. To say he was pleased, was putting things lightly. Within a moment he went from stock-still to lax with relief. His feet carried him forward before his mind truly caught up, and he found himself standing before Spock. His missing Vulcan, finally found.

"Thank god it's you. I didn't know if you'd still be here…look at you. You're alive." The laugh was warm, but the smile was wet as Jim's fingers shook and rose to press against the Vulcan's cheek to make sure that this was real. Pale skinned-fingers brushed against the green-tinted cheek of the other, the movement a slow caress as he took in what was before him.

It was strange being this near and yet the link that had always hummed warmly between Spock and him seemed silent. However, it had been this way for some time now, and it was easy to believe that perhaps it had something to do with their current location.

Jim's lips sealed chastely over the Vulcan's. Delving in for a sweet but lingering kiss before he pulled back; placing a quick closed mouth kiss to the corner of the others mouth before pulling away completely.

His fingers remained to stroke the cheek of the man he loved, "I thought you were dead for a while there." He breathed out with a watery laugh, "I'd really appreciate it if we stop playing games with each other's hearts. From now on you are never leaving my side. I don't care how annoying that sounds because I don't ever want to lose you."

Jim was met with another kiss, this time as the Vulcan leaned forward to capture the human's lips with his own. The kiss was passionate and fierce-fiercer than any before as if to possess the other and claim him as his own.

It left Jim panting and dazed when they had to pull apart.

He smiled weakly up at the other and let his fingers slide down to rest on Spock's shoulder. "Giotto came over with you Spock. Do you know where he and the others are?"

Spock remained silent, his eyes lingering on Jim's for a bit longer before he bowed his head in thought, "Yes." The words hovered between them as if they were not quite the answer to the question and yet it was all the same.

"Can we find them? Are they here?" Jim questioned his eyes finally pulling away from the other to glance around the room he had found himself in. It was a bridge but on a much larger ship, and completely vacant of people. Before them was the very Vulcan that Jim had seen. They were most definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Jim turned back at the touch of Spock's hand on his arm. Blue returned to meet auburn once more.

"We need to get back Spock. Wherever this is; staying here isn't good. It's ripping a whole in our universe; it's why you're here in the first place. Something must've started it and the tear grew. It's why the Element was destroyed. There was never an attack it was just smack in the center of a tear. You…you were pulled in." Jim's fingers shook and immediately he reached out to capture Spock's hand in his own.

Jim tensed at the contact, but only briefly allowing his eyes to lower as he spoke, "I thought you were just my mind playing tricks on me, I thought you weren't real."

"I am not a false image, I am real. I am here."

"No, no…I can see that." Jim looked up with the best smile he could muster and squeezed the hand in his own gently, "Let's find the others?"

"Very well."

Spock's words were collected and precise, but still he followed true; turning and leading Jim off this bridge in search of the others. As they walked along halls Jim was aware of one thing, and it settled with a disgruntling weight in the pit of his stomach. The halls were empty, not once had they passed another soul.

Knowing the Vulcan was aware of his concerns by their touch he attempted to quickly change his thoughts.

"So, I've been thinking a bunch about this bonding ceremony…" Jim spoke the words softly and with a fondness as they continued; as he allowed himself to be led by the other.

"Yes."

Spock's words were short and direct and Jim's hand felt clammy in the palm of the other.

"What does it entail? Can we invite others to it…? I'd like the Alpha crew to join us, and Pike of course. His place in both our lives deserves him being there."

"Others are…permitted. I cannot see why they should not join us."

Jim smirked at this but it was quick to fall. Something felt off, he had to be sure, so with a soft sigh he spoke words he would never breathe to the man he allegedly loved. Words he knew could bring pain.

"I'd like for your mother to be there too. I know your father will be there, as well as Ambassador Selek, seeing as he was there during the whole Nero fiasco and has aided much in the new colony. When you speak to them next you could invite them?"

"All three would be welcomed, I will be sure to do so immediately…upon our return."

"Yah…" Jim replied and at Spock's look mustered a pleased smile, "So, Giotto and the others have been sitting tight? Do you know where our location is?"

"It is an emperor ship. Currently its location is above the planet Vulcan."

Jim's eyes flashed up at this. "Why here?"

"It appears the location was important in introspect to the captain of this vessel."

Jim remained quiet as his footsteps fell in time with Spock's. "You have met this captain or have stayed beneath the radar?"

"Do not be frightened Jim, our place here has not been revealed."

"Don't worry, it takes a lot to freak me out…either that or it takes something pretty extreme."

"Indeed."

Jim followed along behind Spock, allowing the other to lead him down through many halls. Each step he took was measured, each turn marked within his memory, until finally he was led to a room. Spock stood to the side, turning now to face Jim. It was obvious the other wanted Jim to enter first.

Jim was hesitant to do so, and was even more so after the doors slid open leading to darkness. The room was completely blanketed in shadows. Without contact between the pair Jim had only to mask his features to hide the concerns this brought with it; to hide the doubt.

"Didn't want to be found if someone walked in?" Jim questioned, allowing himself to be directed into the room. He listened as Spock followed in behind him; the other just a step away.

The movement had to be quick and fast as the door slid closed; washing all the light from the room. Jim struck; pivoting on his heals before slamming the Vulcan into the wall. He knew that when it came to strength he was not as strong but he hoped that combining it with catching the other off guard would allow him a better chance. Before the Vulcan even had a chance to react he was grabbed and thrown away from Jim.

Yet, it would never be that easy. Like a switch flipped on, Spock immediately caught up and used Jim's throw as momentum before slamming Jim down on the floor beneath him.

"Where is he!" Jim growled arching in an effort to throw the other off.

"Lights." The room flooded with a momentary blinding light before Jim's eyes adjusted. They were in someone's quarters. The room larger than any he had seen on a ship before, but not something he lingered on longer, because Spock spoke up again. "I am curious when it was you figured out I was not him?"

"You sick fuck. Get off!" Jim snarled throwing his arms in an effort to catch the Vulcan's side; this only accomplished both of Jim's arms being pinned down above his head. "You've been watching me. I don't know how, but you're the one from all the reflections."

"Answer my question Jim and I shall answer yours." Spock shifted pinning both of Jim's hands in one before settling his left hand at the others throat, "When did you realize?"

"Fuck you." Jim growled out but choked as familiar hands strengthened their hold both against his throat and upon his hand. The pressure bordered on pain before finally letting up. Coughs and gasps for air were met with an amused auburn gaze. Jim's eyes were glowering as he responded, the words raspy after such events, "Your touch isn't the same…that's when I first realized…had to be sure. Your mom…she didn't survive Vulcan's destruction…wouldn't be able to invite her."

"Very clever…very-very clever, my Jim." Spock's voice was practically a coo as his fingers stroked at quickly forming bruises. "I am unaware how or when exactly it started, but I had begun to catch glimpses of you in mirrors onboard this ship. It continued from there until every time I caught any reflection it was always yours. I've seen you everywhere I have turned, but it was not always just you. I had thought I had been rid of you. Thought finally you were destroyed, but then I caught a glimpse of myself alongside you. How you reacted to this other version of me. How the pair of you were.

I had believed this a mockery of what could have been. T'hy'la…those words whispered from my own lips to show me what you were. You are mine…I had to make you mine."

Spock's fingers clamped along Jim's jaw forcing the other in place as their eyes met, "I have stopped at nothing to get to you and now I finally have you. Do you truly believe I would simply lead you to the others so that you may return to your universe? Not after all that effort, not after I have you."

Jim tried to shake off the hold but stilled at the words.

"You have the others?" His eyes glared up at the Vulcan's, "If you have harmed them-"

"You have no means of preventing any such occurrences, nor will you ever truly know the answer to such a question. It doesn't matter if I have them or not. They are no longer a concern. You are not leaving Jim, you are mine, my T'hy'la, and I will not let you go."

"If you think I'm just going to lie down and accept that!" Jim growled trying to force the other off only to be slammed harshly back to the floor.

"Oh Jim, there would be no pleasure if you were to make it easy for me." Spock lifted the other to press his lips to Jim's. He chuckled, the sound itself unsettling coming from those lips, but as Spock pulled away he wiped at the blood dripping from his lip.

Jim glared daringly up at the other, "You've been watching me, than you should know that I don't back down. I don't bow to the whims of others, and I definitely do not just roll over. If you have my Spock and my crew members then know that I will find them. I will get them back and get off this ship and back to my universe. You can't keep me here, you can try, but no one has stopped me when I'm determined. And keeping Spock from me, keeping my mate from me, I will tear apart your universe if that is the only way to get him back. If that is what it will take."

"Is that not what I have done? To return you to my side I have reached out even against all odds to bring you back to me."

"Yes, but I am not yours!" Jim snapped and struggled to break free of the hold, "I don't know where you get off on this, but let me go now and I'll let this go. I don't care what type of fucked up version of Spock you are aware what I am capable of, what James Kirk is capable of, you best let me go!"

"You are correct. You are not my James. That man was incapable of seeing past his own power." Spock smiled as he watched Jim still in his hold, "I had to kill him there had been no other alternative. It was unfortunate that after such an event the reflections began to show, and I realized his importance; your importance. I suppose you must've already witnessed your own demise by my hands? For I imagine the reflections began for you as they had for me."

Jim's mind seemed to stop at this mention.

XX

_Images flashed before his eyes._

_Past the silver sand, and the broken mirrors. Memories of being strung up by unbreakable bonds, and forced to witness the events within the mirror, flashed before Jim's eyes once more. Events that had left Jim screaming awake in the middle of the night, because each time he had relived what had been played out for his eyes to see._

_Spock slaughtering his family._

…

…

_Nyota._

…

_Chekov and Sulu._

…

_Scotty._

…

_Bones._

…

_Giotto._

…

…

_They all had tried to fend off the other. To stop the fight from happening, to revolt, but they perished without even a blink of consideration._

"_Spock."_

_Red viscous blood soaked the floors of the halls leaving Spock speckled with the color. _

"_What have you done?"_

_Jim had witnessed himself arriving at the scene. Watched himself bear witness to the mutilation that had taken place by the one he had always trusted above all else. Yet it did not end there. Spock had continued forward, as if unseeing of all the bodies he walked by, until he was beside Jim. _

_Try as he might the other couldn't fend off the Vulcan for long and, similar to his position now, Jim had been slammed to the floor beneath the Vulcan. _

_The ground was slick and the other Jim could not even attempt to use it to aide for traction to push himself up. Spock's hand settled against his throat and Jim, who had been strung up and fighting what was before his eyes, could only watch. He had given up fighting by then, stuck to watch the events play out. Everyone was dead. Spock had killed everyone left who he had cared for, and had turned on him. _

_These were scenes from his worst nightmare, and slowly Spock pulled the life from this other Jim Kirk. Watching as gradually the fight left the man and his eyes dulled. _

_Covered in the blood of their friends Spock relished the death of the man, throwing his head back in relief at the peril. _

"_Get this mess off my ship." _

"_The Enterprise will be mine. The Federation shall regret making enemies with the Vulcan race at long last."_

_By this point Jim had fought and broken the bonds. By this point Jim lay broken on the floor by the sight before him. Gone. Gone. Gone. All alone, always alone. The only light and good thing his life had led to; the only dash of hope was being smothered by the sight in front of his eyes. Yet, he tried looking up and realized that the other was staring back at him. _

_Those warm auburn eyes had never looked so viscous, so cruel. Not when Spock had struck out after the prodding of an emotional reaction on the bridge so many years ago, never. _

XX

Those brown eyes that he kept catching in reflections; they were cruel and leering.

They were before him now.

This may have been Spock, but this was never even remotely similar to the one he loved.

"You killed him…" Jim breathed out and the position he found himself lying in finally struck home. Back on Earth during shore leave, Spock had caught him in a similar position and it turned all of Jim's blood to ice as he suddenly was reminded of this situation, of those events. Now this was much more similar, far too closely resembling the other moment. Jim feared if he stayed longer that the cool wetness of blood would soak through his cloths. If he were to remain the metallic scent would rise up and he would find himself living out that scene.

A gasp pulled from his lips as nothing else mattered except escaping this position, "Stop!" Jim struggled futilely his breathing increasing as panic sunk deep into the very marrow of his bones. "Stop. Stop. Stop." Jim breathed the word shaking in the hold as if like every other dream he would wake to his Spock reassuring him that he was safe, that he was back and this was all just his mind conjuring up what he didn't wish to see.

The grip loosened on his arms and Spock pulled back and up off of Jim.

This was not a dream. The images of all his friends…of all those he cared for was too close in memory that his stomach coiled, and he turned only just and relieved his stomach of all the contents within.

He coughed and gasped as tears filled his eyes.

All of them were dead in this universe. Everyone was killed by this man, and he had played foolishly into his hold. Even allowed it in an effort to find those he sought. He had known that he would be led to a trap, but the chance of finding them was too great to turn up. He needed to know if they were alive and yet now he was left with no answers at all.

Now he was stuck trapped in his own personal hell, and with no idea how to get to his own Spock and back to their universe in time to prevent the tear from destroying more, if not everything. His body collapsed away from the mess and curled even further away from the man.

This wasn't real.

This couldn't be real.

He was supposed to find Spock and return…he was never supposed to find the man from the mirror.

"I have brought you here Jim. I will not harm you. You are T'hy'la. You will be safe." Spock had at some point returned to Jim's side and surprised the human with a glass of water and a towel that was used to gently clean the other.

"You will find in time your place is here alongside me." Spock stroked the blond curls but Jim's mind was lost, too caught up on everything at once to even remotely respond. "Until such times you will remain here. I will return for meals with you, and evenings. When you accept your place you will find privileges throughout the ship. It will be ours. I will build us an Empire and we shall never fear loss again." Spock stroked along Jim's cheek wiping at tears that fell silently from the blue eyes, "You will love me and forget them, or you will remain in this room until you realize there is no _them_ to return to."

Spock bent down placing a kiss to Jim's temple before rising.

"I have matters to attend to, rest. I will return in the evening and bring food if you feel up to eating."

Jim listened as the door hissed open only close with a resounding click.

How did this happen?

His body trembled as he struggled to push up. To move, and his fingers pulled up to the locket upon his neck. Quickly he forced it from its hold and with shaky hands opened it to gaze at what was reflecting back.

There within the small mirror was his Spock, auburn eyes gentle and warm even when they were calculating.

There was the one he had come in search for, and the one he had failed to find.

How could he get out of this situation and find the correct Spock in a universe so unlike their own? In a universe where everyone who could or would've provided assistance if he requested it were now dead—had been killed.

He couldn't leave without the others. He knew that if he did there would never be a chance of getting them back. He had to find them. He had to find Spock and get them all back. He would. He was James T. Kirk, and no matter the situation he didn't just give up. Spock was here somewhere. He was alive. That meant there was still a chance.

He would fight. He would find them. He would save the other this time…his beloved.

_-His Spock-_

Now all he had to do was figure out how.

* * *

**AN: **Hopefully you all enjoyed this, finally explained what Jim had seen in his mind so long ago.


	17. The One I've Lost:Two

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

_**Warnings: **__Abuse, angst, illness, hurt, dom…just…warnings. Haha step carefully there may be land mines throughout. It'll probably all lead to some fluff by the end of chapter two...part 2 maybe...and some surprises. _

_**AN: **__Okay a couple of things._

_**First**__—this is not from Spock's pov I tried and struggled and tried again but it wasn't working out. Thus I actually full out skipped writing anymore of chapter one. I'm leaving it open for further changes in the future if I realize where I had been planning on going with that. _

_**Second**__—I'm basically winging this for now. I have multiple plans for new directions with this story but haven't quite determined the extent of which way it'll go. I'm going to play it from feel for now and see how that goes. _

_**Third**__—I want to apologize for the overly ridiculous delay. There are so many reasons I can list for you that will just sound like excuses. Just know that I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to post this. Blame it on lack of inspiration because I really struggled getting this written._

_**Finally**__—I got a message the other day that was expressing a concern or well…it was actually addressing a concern. Supposedly the site is starting to delete stories that are a mature rating with violence. Basically that sounds like a threat and I dunno if it's true or not, but I'm one of those people that search out stuff when informed and it looks like people are actually signing petitions against this. _

_So this is me saying that I'm afraid my story and stories may be deleted. I know that currently I have Even the Stars finished and this story, as well as the fairytale story, is still on-going. All of which are mature and all of which include violence. _

_If someone has more information please let me know. Otherwise I want to let anyone who is concerned or just wishes to keep reading my stories know that I'm planning on getting another site account, Ill post the url when I next post. Just as a precaution._

**AN2: **Other then all that I thank those who reviewed and for everyone who has kept reading. Hopefully get some new pages cranked out for you guys.

Please enjoy. :D

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Two (Part One):

XX

Jim was sick.

He was sick of how long this was taking. He was sick of what his days were amounted to. Mostly he was sick of everything and anything to do with this universe and its people, but mostly it's Spock.

Worse though, was that not only was he emotionally sick, he had become physically sick. It wasn't something common for him. Especially not with Bones constantly on Kirk-watch, but every now and again Jim's humanity showed. Right now, though, he really wished that the good doctor had somehow jumped universes alongside him. If not for moral support than just to keep him from succumbing to this.

Whatever was going on was more than just a common cold.

This seemed worse, in a way that settled like a heavy weight deep at the pit of Jim's stomach. Settling like when they found themselves in a situation that there would be no coming back from and Jim knew it before everyone else could realize. In the way where Jim knew it was either he let it pan out or where he was bound to pull something dangerous and ridiculously stupid to prevent it.

He felt alone and trapped. Both of which were not good for him and far worse for those who put him in that situation.

If it were not for the unknown probabilities he wouldn't even have allowed it to go on this far. It started out with fighting. Trying to break free. He had been tortured and trapped for two years, so honestly sitting tight wasn't on his agenda. Yet, nothing he did seemed to be working.

He tried evasive. He tried rash and straight forward. He tried everything to break out of the room, and when that failed he tried everything just to learn that his men were okay.

It seemed that Spock.2 was not very slow on the upkeep, because it wasn't long until he realized waiting Jim out wasn't going to work. So like any chess game played with Spock, the Vulcan made his most logical move, and revealed his own strategy all while displaying that he knew Jim's as well. He took out one of Jim's knights to prove his point.

Thomas J. Sanders.

He was one of those men who didn't like to stand under the radar, but who didn't force himself upon others to get attention. He worked hard and went to great lengths so that by the end of the day you remembered that he was one of the men you're happy were on your side.

He was one of Giotto's first picks on away missions.

He had a fiancé back on Earth's space station.

A little girl on the way.

Jim had to swallow down the guilt that pressed like a knife to the chest with the memory of the life leaving the officer's eyes. It left him feeling all the more hollow and all the more trapped.

This Spock wanted Jim to realize that he had more power and control in this game, and right now all of Jim's remaining pieces on the board only remained because this Spock allowed it to be that way.

XXXXXXXX

Thomas was dead.

Jim had no clue if the others were as well or if they truly were here or not. He hadn't even been given the chance to coax answers from Thomas. The other man barely was given the chance to realize that it was Jim he was knelt before.

It was hope that showed alongside recognition, in his eyes, when Thomas finally caught on.

Hope that faded along with all signs of life as Spock stated his claim.

XXXXXXXX

Jim was sick.

He felt hollow and his body shook with signs of a fever setting in. His skin was clammy to the touch and all he could think about was that when he had pulled himself off the floor and promised to find his Spock; that this wasn't how he had seen this going.

The swoosh of the door, revealed the time of the day.

One of the few things this Vulcan had in common with his Spock, he was always precise. Like clockwork.

Cold fingers brushed along the length of Jim's throat from behind. It was the same gesture every day, and with every visit. This Spock's words echoed with precision and clarity in his mind.

"_Fa-wak tor du ra karthau__. __Kiv tehnau fa-wak stau nash-veh du."_

_(-AN: __Fa-wak tor du ra karthau: _You will do what I command_, __Kiv tehnau fa-wak stau nash-veh du: _If you resist, I will kill you_-)_

Jim smiled weakly and ruefully. Those were words that he spit at and clawed away from the first weeks here. The threat was obviously not one to follow through seeing as Spock wanted him alive, but now Spock had made it very clear that a threat by him was one to be followed.

Thomas paid the price for Jim's resistance.

So, when Spock's fingers pressed just so at the back of his neck; Jim tilted his head up and allowed the other his request.

Lips clashed and moved against passive lips. It was over just as quickly as it happened and just like the day prior and the one before that, Spock beckoned in a meal and sat before Jim.

"Eat, beloved. You are not well."

Jim barely registered the voice. His mind was off. He was steps ahead and far behind. He couldn't afford to be in the present. Not when he had blood on his hands and promises to keep. Not when he kept trying to figure out what way was right and wrong. Being in the present meant accepting this and if there was one thing Jim would never do, it was to accept completely that this was it.

He may be at the whim of the other, but it wouldn't last.

Fingers pressed against his chin and obediently his eyes lifted to meet with the brown (His Spock's were auburn) gaze across the table.

"Are you still there?"

Spock's question seemed to puzzle Jim enough to stagger the backward and forward thought process.

"I am sorry."

Jim's response. It was automatic and probably didn't make sense in the context but it was one of the few responses that seemed to appease whatever went on within this Vulcan's mind.

"Good. You are very good my James." Spock's fingers stroked along Jim's cheek and once he might have felt compelled to lean into such an action, once he could have tricked his mind for a moment that it was the same touch. Now he remained still. "Have you broken my James…did the loss so thoroughly break you into pieces?"

Jim remained impassive; his eyes blankly looking ahead as the other continued the caresses. He couldn't afford to be in the present. He had to keep his mind several steps ahead all the while cling to all those steps behind.

"T'hy'la."

Spock's voice cut into his mind tainting that word.

It wasn't his to call.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong!

"Thank you."

Jim breathed the reply listlessly and felt the touch leave.

"You need rest."

Jim couldn't resist the small sigh that slid past his lips at this. He was tired. He was emotionally and physically sick and thus he was tired.

Spock would go now and he would try once more to figure this out.

Hands around his waist and hoisting him to stand, forced his body to clam up.

"No."

Jim tried to drop his weight but even still this was nothing to a Vulcan. Spock seemed to ignore his protest as if granting Jim deaf ears at the attempt to disobey.

It wasn't until his back hit the bed that Jim realized just how worn he had become. Arms snaked around him again, and he tensed up immediately at this. When had this Spock gotten onto the bed alongside him? How had he missed this movement?

The arms were secure and taunting as Jim fought to no avail.

"Let me go!"

This wasn't good he was spending too much energy trying to break away. Too much energy on the now. He couldn't. He needed to keep his mind on the future. He needed.

"No!"

Jim jumped as Spock's hands wandered.

"Cast out your fear my James…do not resist…"

"No."

"Must we repeat this process Jim?"

The words echoed in his mind.

"_Fa-wak tor du ra karthau__.__"_

_(-AN: __Fa-wak tor du ra karthau: _You will do what I command_ -)_

Cold fingers pressed against clammy skin.

Sick.

Jim felt his stomach coil at the touch.

No.

No.

Wrong.

The touch was wrong.

"You will not resist."

"Fa—" Jim choked on his words as his struggles led to him being pressed down and held.

"Fa-wak shroi ri nash-veh nemut zhitlar."

_(-AN: _Fa-wak shroi ri nash-veh nemut zhitla_: _I will not listen to the words of my enemy_ -)_

The words were spoken with a rasp and not as collected as he had wished, but as the tension rippled through the form of the Vulcan; Jim couldn't have been more thankful for all those lessons with Uhura.

XXXXXXXX

Jim chuckled into the darkness.

The touch of the other in forms of bruises and beatings was better than what he had avoided. He knew that the cost could be a hefty price once more, but now he needed to know. He couldn't sit back and let the other play him.

He played his next piece knowing that it may cost him another, but this was not Spock's game. There was never a power that would halt Jim's fight. He would just need to act fast and soon before Spock chose his next move.

Because, really, Jim never liked the game of chess. He played it because he liked the opponent and the challenge. He liked how his Spock never could get over when he and Spock first played and his unusual strategies won him the game. Jim liked how Spock would play him again and return the request days later because it was intriguing to the Vulcan how Jim's mind functioned and how brash some of his plays were.

Jim felt sick.

He missed the touch of his T'hy'la. He missed the link they shared, and he knew that something was wrong.

He just hoped that his guess as to what that was, hadn't been too far off the mark.

XXXXXXXX

When Spock played his next move. It wasn't what Jim had imagined.

First the Vulcan had taken Jim out of the room. The room he had been spending months trying to break free of. Just like that he was out and being carded down the long halls back to the bridge. Back to where he had first met with this other Spock.

Memories of passionate kisses shared and hope at possibilities hurt more than Jim wanted.

It was like a slap in the face. Here is where you had believed fate would be kind to you but you should have known better.

The second thing that was wrong was that when Jim arrived to the bridge they were not alone. Guards and what Jim could only assume were crew members filled the surroundings.

It was strange to see and what was worse was that they all seemed to not even look at anything. All of the crew on the bridge seemed capable of sight but their gazes seemed as if to look through rather than at.

Jim stilled even before Spock halted their movement.

He didn't want to be here. Surrounded by emotionless and lifeless drones. If this was Spock's play, showing him that all others submitted eventually and that Jim should take note, well it wasn't having the desired effect.

Jim wasn't scared into the want to obey, rather he was enraged for all those here. For those who seemed to want nothing more than to serve. His mind conjured all sort of possible lives they may have had and yet he felt no pity for them when he realized they had willingly gave in.

All these crew members would rather serve then fight.

He tried to catch their eyes. He tried to pull their gaze and yet he could have been invisible. To them he was just another piece to their captain's, or master or whatever this Spock went by, agenda.

Jim's lack of compassion didn't come until one of them stepped forward and he recognized her as one of the members from his beta shift crew. This universe's version of course. In fact many of those crew members were recognizable to a degree. Many of them were Vulcan's and yet just as many were humans.

This surprised Jim enough until he realized that all of the shared the same vacant gaze. The lights may be on but there was most definitely no one home. Jim scowled as they followed ever order that passed Spock's lips.

They had the option to fight and his crew gave themselves to this Spock's will to survive.

"There is a resistance against my rule."

Spock's voice in his ear made Jim tense but he didn't reveal much else.

"I had thought that by sending those who resisted down to my home planet they would be taught the wrath my people held for what they have done. Yet, there were those who remained unfaithful even in my own kind. Those who smuggled the survivors into secrecy and let them grow and continue on.

I express anger at this misfortune...especially during our trails."

Spock's fingers stroke along Jim's spine digging in at the end of his sentence.

"It was an act of insubordination and needed to be dealt with. I found your Thomas in our first wipe through."

Jim's breath caught at this.

"They had been hiding under my own soil, and yet what a pleasant advantage it gave."

Jim went to turn, to look, but Spock's fingers had risen at some point and slipped a restricting hold at the base of Jim's neck. Jim let his gaze drift in the direction he was, but caught nothing. All he could see was the planet Vulcan.

"Be it my surprise that upon the second sweep we found a much larger group. They were much more resilient to be caught, but they are few and I have many at my beck."

"You sick fuck." Jim growled low and felt the hand press down warningly.

He seethed silently trying to control what this could mean. Thomas was found on Vulcan…that meant that the survivors hadn't been on this ship…that meant the survivors had been on Vulcan. That meant in the next sweep…

"No."

"Now, it would be most logical to wipe away the resistance as it is a cause of possible future rebellions to arise. However, I found the timing most convenient seeing as you still resist."

Jim's heart was pounding loud enough he knew by this point those in the room with sensitive hearing had to be able to hear each pulse. Once again he tried to turn, to look.

"No." Spock's words were sharp and followed by a harsh jerk of his head and a pull that sent Jim pressing back against the other.

Jim breathed sharply at the contact and lifted his neck as Spock's fingers curled around in front rising Jim's chin only slightly to brush along his jaw line.

"Be it my surprise who all I found." Spock breathed out.

Jim body was pulsing. A thrum settling in the back of his mind like a tantalizing aroma; you could smell it and it made your mouth water in expectation but it was so far out of reach.

"Please."

The finger dug into Jim's jaw at the low sound. The words felt like a betrayal as they slid from Jim's own lips, and he shuddered at the pleased thrill he felt from the Vulcan's touch.

"Begging already?"

Jim's eyes slid shut at the question. This wasn't how he had expected any of this to go. He had to retract and rework so many of his thoughts.

His fingers twitched with the desire to reach out for his locket, but he had kept it hidden. Left it well kept in an attempt so that this Spock would not find it.

"Do you wish to reunite with your mate?"

Jim stilled as this Spock's words breathed tauntingly into his ear. He didn't know if he was required to answer. He didn't know what would happen had he said yes or if he said no. This all felt wrong. This all felt off.

"Do you wish to see him once more?"

This time Jim's body tensed at the words. They shook him like a horrible echo as Spock's fingers trailed the length from his jaw to the farthest dip of Jim's neck.

"Do you wish to reunite with the one you love? Is that what you want my James? To be with the other…to leave?" Spock's voice was cunning like the hiss of a rattlesnake to its prey.

Jim remained still. By now he knew that no matter what answer he gave, any answer at all would not be taken well. So he waited. Waited to see what Spock's move would be.

"My James…what would you pay to save the one you love?"

Jim choked at those words. Hysteria playing wonders on his mind as he recalled this conversation. He recalled his own thoughts at the words when he had heard them once before. It was almost cruel looking back on it now; that they had spoken this conversation to him.

They had used these biting words to pull his favor, as this Spock was doing now.

What was it Jim had internally answered? What did he secretly promise?

_-Anything-_

_-Everything-_

_-All I have and more-_

"What would you give for the one you love?"

Spock's words dug into Jim's last resistance and pulled him out of his mind. Pulled him away from the past and the future, and left him staring at the present. It left him balking at the now.

"I want to see him…"

Jim's voice was practically an exhale, "Let him live and I will give to you all that I have and more." Jim breathed the vow reaching his own ears like a piercing shrill and yet he knew it was no more than a whisper.

Spock's dark chuckle and release left Jim to slide to the floor.

He did not pity the crew nor was he compassionate towards them. He could only hate them because he understood that the longer he stayed here he would soon become them.

"Let me see him…and I will stay." Jim's eyes lifted and Spock's hand moved to caress his cheek. For the first time in weeks, Jim leaned into the touch. Ignoring the betrayal and letting his eyes slide shut.

He would give anything, if it meant that his Spock would be safe.

"I will allow it."

XXXXXXXX

Jim was sick.

He knew that something was wrong, but soon it wouldn't matter.

He would get Spock safe. He would do what he promised.

Yet as he was pulled away from the past and the future thoughts, he dragged with him one thought. It hadn't struck him till Spock's echoing of their words. After all that their words were clear in his mind.

…

…

…

"_A purpose hangs greatly around you, a protection that will always bring you to survive until one fatal date."_


	18. The One I've Lost:TwoTwo

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

**AN:** So it's been awhile. Sorry for the delay. I found myself stuck and not knowing which way to continue with this. I had an idea but I strayed from it and now I regret that. So, for the last couple months I've been trying to find a way to spin this and incorporate what I had originally intended. I couldn't. However, I'm not stopping writing this. I am just trying out different ways to spin it until I find one that works, and it's taking so much longer than I had thought. Also, because of this I found myself torn away from my other story and its just a stupid spiral of getting out of this funk.

Anyway as that process carries along I realized it may feel like I abandoned this story. Going from updating weekly to nothing for months. So, here is a bit of a sneak peak I suppose at what's happening still with Jim.

Please Enjoy. I'll try and get back to you all as soon as I can. I apologize for how short it is. Bear with me, I just want it to be good, and not rushed or forced.

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Two (Part Two):

XX

It was like drowning.

Finding yourself so submerged and turned around that there was no way to tell which direction actually led up to the surface. All you could do was pick a direction and swim. All you could do was pray that the direction you chose was the right one, because the choice was life or death.

Each day on this ship was like that extra minute under water. How long was he expected to last? How long could one person hold their breath and keep pushing towards the surface?

Then he was led here.

The light to the surface just hovering within reach and he stopped. He could already taste the air that he so desperately desired. His lungs burned with this knowledge and he felt weak. Finally felt the exhaustion from all his struggles.

Feet clicked coming to a stop behind him and once more he felt the grasp of death as a warm hand at the small of his back. The knowledge that he might get this moment to breathe but the water was sure to drag him back under.

Yet, he had made it this far. He wouldn't let himself be dragged back under after fighting for so long.

The door pushed open and he was pleased to feel the release from the clutches of the other's presence. He didn't look back just stepped past the threshold and into the dimly lit quarters.

Twenty plus men, a mix of humans and Vulcans, but Jim had already found the sun that had broken over the surface and nothing would deter him from his path.

Auburn eyes lifted at his entrance, and Jim drew in a choking gasp as he finally broke the surface.

"James."

A smile split across his lips cracking and straining from the almost forgotten upward pull on his own lips. Yet there was no preventing the reaction it was automatic.

"It is very rude…very rude to not show up when you say you would." Jim managed to choke out his voice levering the more he spoke. His eyes trying to take in the other completely as he let mirth mask any sadness in his eyes, "First shift ended quite some time ago."

"Oh T'hy'la."

Spock's voice washed over Jim and he couldn't help the smirk at the notion that hearing the words from his own Spock did not cause him to flinch. No residue left to taint what they shared.

A clatter of metal drew Jim's gaze to Spock's arms. Spock, who had attempted to rise up and move towards Jim in a desire to draw him in, Spock, who was currently bound up like everyone else within this room.

Here he had finally found the one he had crossed universes for and he was strung up like some criminal.

Jim smiled sadly and knelt down before his Spock, before his mate, and yet remained just out of reach. Reminded by a set of eyes, that burned through a wall, that this was only a moment to catch his breath. That one wrong move could be enough a slip to be washed back beneath the surface.

Spock's gaze was questioning and painful to meet. Once more the other strained to reach out but Jim remained.

"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep."

"How did you follow me here? Jim this isn't our universe, we shouldn't be here."

Jim chuckled darkly at the reminder, but let his eyes drift along the Vulcan, "You're alright? You look unharmed for the most part…" the sigh of relief wasn't missed and drew another questioning look from his Vulcan. This was later replaced with a wave of anger that choked Jim as he felt it wash over him.

His laughter broke into a warm hysteric as he leaned forward to brush a kiss against Spock's brow, "I feel you still." He breathed against the skin, "It is just a whisper of what we had but I feel you. God I feel you." He smiled and let his head drop against the curve of Spock's throat as his Vulcan shifted just to allow such an action.

They pressed against the small contact, clinging to it like a life vest, clinging to the desire to stay afloat.

"We've faced worse."

Jim's words were more mouthed against the skin of Spock's throat than spoken at all.

"James."

"Exactly." Jim mustered up the confident smirk as he pulled back to look at Spock, "I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. Don't you forget what that means."

Jim's look wavered as the whoosh of the door signaled the foreboding clutches once more. Blue eyes lifted to take in Spock and looked wild as the finally settled with the auburn pair.

"You have to get up Spock." Jim breathed out hurriedly and felt the eyes lock on him from behind. His own Spock's gaze tried to drift over his shoulder but Jim finally took this moment to reach out and grasp ahold of the other; just a press of his fingers to the Vulcan's cheek.

It was enough to keep the other's gaze.

"I do not understand. Jim-" Spock once again began to look away but Jim's words and gaze kept his attention, kept him from glaring at the man approaching.

The fear hidden within the depths of Jim's blue gaze left Spock growling lowly and grasping at the chains holding him still. The unfamiliar metal whined at the pull as he fought it, but whatever it was it was designed for such strength and would not let up.

"James." Spock's voice was soft but feral as he tried to reach out for the other and keep him close.

"I'll fight for us here, but we can't go back until you open your eyes." Jim fingers brushed against Spock's jaw, the touch sending a jolt along his own skin before he felt the hand of a worse fate settle upon his shoulders. Both literally and figuratively, as this universes Spock snared him by the shoulder and jerked him up and away from his Spock.


	19. The One I've Lost:TwoThree

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

**AN:** Here's to the hope of more to come. Going to be on break in two weeks. Fingers crossed that all goes to plan and I can get some serious writing done. Sorry for any errors or general bad writing skills in this chapter. It's late and it's been awhile since I've tackled this. Longer then last post so that's a plus, also a returning character...spoilers. : )

Please Enjoy.

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Two (Part Three):

XX

"How did he die?"

Jim's questioned seemed startling enough to widened the auburn gaze. The weight of age not taking away from the familiar quirk of his brow. Spock of any universe seemed to always be so characteristically Spock.

"I do not believe this is appropriate to talk about with you after such events that you had been through. Rest and relax Jim you have been found and returned to all those who care about you. Do not question such future events that may not even come to pass. Live your life, not in fear of the future, but with excitement for the days to come now that you are back."

Jim could only huff at such a response. The visit from elder Spock wasn't really unexpected. He had been gone for such a long time that it was actually predictable that Spock of any universe would seek him out with concern for his wellbeing.

He was still trying to get over what had happened to him and facing your own mortality often didn't leave you in the right place and yet, he was coping as best he could. However, since his return he couldn't stop thinking that he had been lucky to be returned to his Spock. He survived where in another universe he had not, but that other universe's Jim never had to face such events. The concern and panic rolling in waves off of elder Spock was enough an answer to that. Elder Spock's Jim had never lived through what he had...what his Spock had suffered through.

If not just from Elder Spock's reaction, it helped that Jim actually knew how it was other Jim went. It was mostly in flashes and vague like a dream you could only kind of recall, but it was there at the back of his mind.

"The Nexus?" Jim hummed in consideration, "It doesn't sound like an awful way to go…he even got a chance to return. Maybe I'll go and return."

"It is just as likely that no such events will occur. As we had never face off with D'Torak nor had we experienced such a rebellion against the Federation, it is quite obvious that Nero's alterations to this universe have led to a very different path. Your life will not lead out as his did, Jim. If you fear that you will disappear once more, I find that such events are…unlikely."

Jim took a moment to let these words sink in. It was still a little overwhelming the sense of ease that fell over him whenever other Spock was near. It didn't matter that they had only met briefly a few times, because Jim knew him. Jim lived a life with this Spock, not literally but he experienced that life and bond that had formed between this other Spock and his Jim.

It may not have been the same as this universe's Spock and Jim but it was still just as intense. The pair just never needed to…no they just never were given the opportunity to express themselves to each other.

"It isn't completely impossible either. We can't rule it out."

"What has brought this on Jim? It has never been like you to over analyze the future. I have found that one of your most amusing and frustratingly impressive characteristics is your ability to act on a moment's notice. You handle much face on and have never allowed something to hold you back."

"I just don't want to leave him again." Jim replied looking at elder Spock and finally moving to take a seat alongside the Vulcan. "Everyone has been through so much because of me that…I want to just stay. I…I'm afraid that if…that I may not be able to captain again. I'm afraid I'm not the man I am, but mostly I'm afraid of what might happen if I go back on that ship and we get separated again."

Jim paused here to drop his eyes to his lap and let out a shaky laugh.

"I wanted to stay." His voice was not but a whisper and yet he knew that Spock would be able to hear it with his Vulcan hearing, no matter the age. "When I was trapped in my mind. I was just…I saw that we were winning. I knew that it was so close to being over and yet I just wanted to give up. I wanted to be able to stop fighting.

I've fought my whole life to be something. To be anything that was worth keeping. My dad left, my mom left…Sammy left. I was alone all of the time and I just…I'm worth something to them, to my crew, and I was ready to leave them all. I deserved it, after fighting it all for two whole years. I deserved to let go and have peace. He would have let me to. Spock would have and he would have stayed.

I…I saw what me leaving him again would have done. It would have destroyed him, so I returned. I fought and survived and now I can't stop thinking that your Jim was just doing something so routine and just vanished. There was no fighting. There was no illusion that such an event would even happen. Not to James Kirk, but it did.

Going back onto the Enterprise I risk those events happening. I risk…he'll break if that happens. I know how your soul has been cracked I've seen the mourning you hold for your friend. My Spock…we are T'hy'la. He has already suffered through the loss once. It is not as strongly as yours but what you hold now that mended crack is what he has.

Once something is broken, it does not matter how greatly you have mended it. It will break much easier the second time and much more destructively."

"You believe the Nexus will happen and cause such an event." This was not a question it was a statement of fact. Spock's voice was calm but his eyes reflected more strongly that mourning; that remembrance of losing someone so dear. He could understand what Jim wished to prevent.

"I believe there was more going on than just the war and my capture." Jim eyes flickered up catching on their reflection across the room. A flicker of brown made his heart catch and he turned to look at elder Spock, "And I believe that knowing about something can help prevent events from occurring or at the very least aide in overcoming such events."

"So when you had questioned my Jim's death-"

"I wasn't asking how he died but rather what the Nexus is and how it could completely remove someone from existence as it had." Jim finished Spock's sentence allowing himself to answer the question in the affirmative with such a declaration, "However, I would also like to know how he managed to escape?"

XxXxXxX

Fine white-grained sand.

No…no the sand was red. Red like the planet. Vulcan and it's red sand.

It expanded out from where he stood and sunk with each foot step. It covered everything for as far as he could see; stretching to touch the horizon. The dunes billowed…no those…those weren't dunes the heat just softened them to his gaze. If he looked closer he could see the red rock hardening into cliffs. Everything was sharp and jutting out into slabs of rock faces, and those were not horizons that were cutting off the sand those were drop offs.

There was so much, infinite space to cover and so many options on which way to go. The heat on the air made it all seem like a mirage, but the red on the ground was not viscous it was dry and chalky.

He was in a beautiful world he had never believed that he would be given the chance to see. A world that was not his, a world that had solely belonged within the deepest corners of Spock's memories.

Yet he could walk for miles here. He could examine every corner. Visit every city and region and see a world that Spock had once been a part of. Yet, no matter how far he traveled and how many he met he would come to stop; exhausted with the realization that he was alone.

He was alone.

No…this was the part where footfalls would come near, and the sand would crunch beneath feet not his own. He would rise up and turn from his slumped position at the first whispered words.

_You are not alone. Never alone._

Just as before, he would turn, in overwhelming hope, to finally meet with the other. To finally have, this was so much better than the pain of reality, this place in between.

Jim tried to cry out and speak but found his voice silenced as he opened his mouth. He choked on the dust and coughed nonexistent noise. It was worse; his feet would not comply to his wishes and where he had longed to rise up and lunge into those arms once more he felt himself sinking further into the clutches of the sand

_I had promised never to leave you, James._

This was nothing like the dreams of his past. It was like a twisted remembrance. A past dream seen so many times pieces were missing and new worries corrupted something once treasured.

_I don't want you to go._

Those…those were Jim's words. Why was Spock telling him that? He was right here. He was the one waiting for Spock to return. He was the one who had been left this time. He was the one who came to save Spock.

_Haven't I already suffered enough? You were the reason I fought to survive. It's worth nothing if you are not there._

…

_I can't—I can't continue this without you. There's no hope. I can't even go in search for you. You're just gone._

_You're just gone._

…

_Open your eyes, T'hy'la._

This was wrong this wasn't how it happened. This was…this was different and painful and his chest felt like it was being torn apart. He struggled harder to force himself out of the sand. He struggled to get up and go to Spock.

_Open your eyes, Jim._

_I don't want to lose you again._

…

_Jim._

He felt himself get pulled under sinking fully into the sand. His hand outstretched as a final desire to catch Spock and hold on. He was absorbed into the dark depths of the sand.

_XXXXXXXX_

Jim woke coughing and sputtering. His chest felt heavy and he could not shake the taste of dirt from his lips.

How long had he been asleep for this time? It felt like all he did now was spend his days in bed. Two memories tonight…for that was what both of those were. One was a recollection of actual events. He could still recall that conversation word for word. The other was a memory of a dream; one he had often when he had not been sure if Spock was alive or not. It was always the same but each time he had it there were very slight alterations. Something he had never caught the time before. This was different. This was a warped and twisted version.

Spock was here, and Jim had given him up. He had thought it would be the correct decision. He knew he had once told older Spock that losing Jim would destroy Spock, but by now Jim didn't care. Jim would rather Spock be a glued together rendition of what he once was than not be there at all. If it meant Spock would survive in the end then Jim would let him break.

Yet, this other Spock was not going to just allow his Spock to leave. He had locked him away. He had given Jim hope and took promises from his lips without regards to follow through. He would never allow his Spock to leave. They would both be trapped here for eternity until he grew bored or they finally grew too weak to live on.

His chest hurt and his mind pulsed with an undefinable ache. He was struggling to stay afloat when all he wanted was to let the sand pull him down. Let the heavy weight settle and wash the pain away.

He was in too deep to struggle. He had been foolish to dive into this alone. So soon after what had happened, he should never had pushed the others away. When McCoy had called out he should have turned around. He should have planned ahead. Should have expected another universe.

The mirrors taunted him with the words carved into them. SexuN. NexuS. It was a clever ploy to make his mind think that they were caught up in something he could fight. Elder Spock told him the ways he knew of how to leave.

This wasn't the Nexus this was…this was a rip into another universe mirroring their own. A mirrorverse. The other Spock had informed him as such and he was foolish to disregard it. Now he was sick with a cracking bond and repulsion at what he had given trying to save the one he had fought so hard to get to.

He would die here.

He wasn't strong enough. He wasn't the same Captain he once claimed to be.

He…he was not alone in this room!

A hand settled heavily over his mouth silencing the cry of surprise that followed the shock of another. He went to fend off the other but was met arm for arm, like he knew the plan of attack before Jim could even strike. He was not strong enough to keep up and growled in irritation and despair up at his attacker.

Yet looking up his eyes met with a startling shade of…familiar blue.

"If you are done struggling. I'd like to help you get back to your Spock, but first I need your help. He said that you would be my best chance and I don't know why but I believe him."

Jim breathed harshly against the gloved hand and glared up at the masked man above him. Obviously his opinion on the matter was of no concern as the hand didn't let up.

"Get me back my ship, and I will aide in returning you to your universe."

The hand broke away and Jim couldn't resist the pull of his lips into a forgotten expression. Muscle memory refused to except though as his lips pulled up on their own accord into a pleased smirk.

"Deal."

XXXXXXXXX

A hand reached out to grasp his…pulling him up from the sand.

_You are not alone. Never alone._

* * *

Kind of a strange chapter but it's all actually important information. If you take away anything from this chapter let it be that mirrorverse Jim is on the Enterprise and has just met up with Jim with an offer to help escape (I'll clear up the other stuff as we go along). Hope you enjoyed thanks to all who are still with me. I'll try and get another post up as soon as possible, but like I said at the top two weeks away from break so plan to expect something more towards that time frame. : )


	20. The One I've Lost:Three

**_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction._**

**_Warnings: _**_Some violence to come, language, and um…I'm pretty sure two Jim Kirks existing in tandem should be illegal or bring about a paradox that'll explode the universe or something (He's way too good looking for the world to have two of him. haha.) _

AN: Sorry for that stupid note, I hate those. Anyway to all who are just reading now, this is different than what I had posted originally. I felt like mirrorverse was too big an ordeal to wrap up in a chapter. I also left too many unanswered reasons for how they accomplished it…and I can go on. Basically it was sloppy and I changed it into what you are about to read...will read. Its long so now it'll be multiple chapters.

So, please enjoy : )

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Three (Part One):

XX

Jim sat up in the bed facing himself. Honestly, it was one of the weirdest experiences he had ever faced, and he was the Captain of the Enterprise. Weird experiences were in the job description.

Yet, here he was staring down an almost exact replica of himself. Almost exact, because this Jim had obviously been through a handful of rough patches recently. He was scruffy, to say the least, and banged up. Underneath it all there was a coldness that hardened his features, and a set to his jaw that made Jim want to shout at the man to relax.

This Jim was not him. He had been worn down until all his edges were too sharp and brittle. He was not relaxed, but on edge. Mostly he reminded Jim of J.T. and what he had to become while in Tarsus. This was a version of himself bent on the need to survive and do so under harsh conditions.

This was Jim Kirk alone and threatened.

...

...

"I know I'm pretty and all. I'd say take a picture, but your situation doesn't really offer you such accommodations. I believe it would also be a little narcissistic, seeing as you need only look in a mirror to have a similar effect. More pressing, however, is that we don't have time for you to just sit around staring."

The blue eyes were constantly darting towards the door and back to gaze at Jim. His posture was locked and forced as he remained standing, but shifted to lean against the wall. He tried to look as though he was calm, but everything about him screamed fight or flight. This was a man being tracked and prepared to face whatever crossed him.

Jim, on the other hand, was still weary. He had sat up since the barge into his room. His back was leaning against the wall and still facing the other. He had no need to face the door, because he had been onboard this ship for too long already. Throughout all that time he was stuck to go about his days on a agenda not of his own.

So, Jim didn't really have a need to fret over if an unexpected visitor would turn up, because it wasn't likely to happen.

"Spock won't come for some time still. If he keeps to schedule, and we both know that he will. So, we're going to talk."

This version of him wanted help getting the ship back; well there were things that needed to be known before such a thing could happen.

"We shouldn't waste time."

Jim just hummed in agreement, but chose instead to not listen. He shifted in his placement and looked at this other him carefully, "You were dead. I saw you die, how is it you survived?"

A growl of frustration slid out of the others lips before he threw his full attention to the Jim on the bed. "That is important how?! I was told you could help me get my ship back and so far all that we've done for the past several minutes is sit and wait. Now you said you can help me then help me."

"He thinks you are dead. It is relevant." Jim replied evenly.

He could recall the life seeping out of this other. He had nightmares about the feel of the blood of his crew seeping through his clothes. All while he was slowly losing his grasps on life itself.

"Yes, well obviously I am not. Spock must have had some reservations about killing me. Somewhere deep down past all that vast emptiness where his heart is meant to be. He pulled back, and I survived. My body was sent, with the rest of those killed, down to Vulcan to be disposed of. The rebellion found me alive and I've been there ever since.

"Up until another version of Spock came into our hands and we were offered an opportunity to change the game. Spock knew that if he was here than it was likely you would turn up as well. Something about T'hy'la, which he had assumed meant something to me. Then not long ago he just up and said you were here…I don't even want to know how that is possible. All it took was stepping out at the right time and suddenly a group of rebellions that have managed to elude the great Spock for years, was finally captured."

Jim fought to mirror the bemused smirk that pulled up on his mirrored self. It was very much a plan that Jim could see himself concocting.

"So your crew-?" Jim barely managed to ask the question aloud before his other cut him off.

"Are all hostages still onboard this ship? The answer to that is yes. However, the term hostage may not be correct as they are all onboard willingly, up to and including your dear Vulcan."

His grin grew into an odd twist of interest and confusion at the statement. Jim would understand it to be longing if he knew his face as well as he did, but this other version of him had lost many of the expressions that Jim knew too well.

"Whatever Spock told you about the two of us…its true. T'hy'la can be summed up by saying other half. He's ours. I think you knew this too, even before we showed up. I think that's why you're still alive, and I know it's why your Spock brought us here. He mourns the loss of you."

"He mourns nothing. He harbors no emotions. At one point I had believed that to be a lie and led myself to hold onto those assumptions. I was wrong when I witnessed him tear everyone we had cared about apart." He stepped away from the wall and his arms crossed to bare a threating posture as he gazed back down at Jim, "This universe is not like yours. You advance on the failures of others, and to Spock we were all just steps in his path."

The words left Jim feeling sorrow towards the other. He could understand the brittleness he saw reflected in this Jim's posture. He watched all those he held dear get torn down by one of the few he had trusted most.

He could write Spock's relationship off with him as just a lie. He could believe that Spock that he thought he'd known was all just speculations, but Jim knew these two. Even through all the differences they were still Jim and Spock. No matter the universe or timeframe, they were meant to be together, and being apart from one another left them lost and broken.

"Why follow you for years without rising up only to do so when he did? Perhaps I understand your universe more than you think. I bet you made some remark or he overheard a conversation that threatened you and yours. In a world where you advance on the failures of others, maybe Spock no longer wanted to just be a failure you could advance from. Maybe he wanted to be someone you saw as an equal."

Both Jims fell silent at the words. Jim could tell his other did not hold much regards for what he said, but he planted a seed of doubt. It was more than he should have given, especially after all that he had suffered in his time here, but things couldn't remain as they were.

This Jim and his Spock both would massacre their universe in an attempt to overthrow the other. Left on their own they had none to balance themselves. They would fall, and after rising up to such extremes, they would take everyone down with them.

"This doesn't matter, one way or another. I just needed to understand how you survived. If your Spock had been aware of your existence then this would not work."

This grabbed the others attention, reigning him back from the uproar their last conversation had brought out.

"You have a plan?" He grinned.

...

...

"I have several." Jim admitted letting his eyes slid shut. Images of the possible events were playing through his mind. Each with unknown variables; which Spock would likely be able to point out, had he been here. They seemed reasonable enough though.

There were some issues that still needed to be accounted for. One main thing Jim knew was that in this universe they'd be at a disadvantage. This ship was not his and as already pointed out, there were many difference between his universe and this one. He would have to go into this fight with detriments and have to account for all that he could if he wanted to come out victorious.

"As soon as you revealed that you weren't dead, then after you made your request. I knew that you were with the rebels by that point, so you're on our side. It helps. Anyway, I have one last question. How'd you get on board?"

He spoke the question but held up his hand before the other could respond.

"I saw all of the rebels when I was taken to see my Spock. At the time your Spock admitted to that being them all. I know now he was too assured of himself to realize that he was wrong. Which helps, but if you had planned this out…the whole idea, to get everyone back on board this ship, then I know you didn't come up here with the rest of them.

"Not because you fought and escaped. I know you, and Jim Kirk would not leave those under his protection. Not while he was still able to prevent it, even if it was all part of the plan. Spock probably persuaded you. If he insisted that you needed to find me then I can understand us going along with this. Yet, how? You couldn't have masked yourself. They'd realize who you were almost immediately. So, how'd you get onboard this ship undetected, and into my room no less?"

Jim's mind immediately thought of Scotty. There was a man capable of accomplishing such feats.

His Scotsman had just helped him highjack his own ship last time he had seen him. No, his Scotsman had already been on board his ship awaiting his arrival. That was Scotty for you. The man was too similar to Jim. Rules were there and Jim was set to follow them. Up to when one of his own were in danger. Than the rules were meant to be bent, and Scotty was just the one ready and willing to bend all the rules of the universe to help make the impossible possible.

Like getting Jim unto a ship that was traveling through warp.

The other Jim watched as he started putting these pieces together. He grinned when it seemed to click but answered the question all the same.

"A long-range transporter." He answered and with a more relaxed gait, leaned back against the wall again.

"Your Vulcan was not destroyed. The timelines were different here, how then do you know of that?"

"Nero's attack—where you lost Vulcan, we lost Earth. Your Spock spoke of the loss of his planet. Thankfully, Earth had the space station and Star Fleet on hand. Evacuating the planet was much simpler but we still lost billions of people. It is the reason Star Fleet is a harsh gain or lose work environment. We cannot afford to be weak. Even so many years later, we are still picking ourselves up. Vulcan was saved by those of us going off to face Nero, I was aboard the Enterprise to aide Pike in your rescue. We needed all Starfleet officers we could get, and Scotty was along the way."

Jim's eyes had grown at what he was hearing. There were so many differences in this timeline. He had thought that because it mirrored his own, that they would have faced the same events. Vulcan proved that wrong. Now he knew that still they had lost much in the fight with Nero.

"The rebels among us are not only Starfleet members who were discarded to Vulcan. Many of the Vulcan's still recall the help we gave to save their planet. They know that Spock's goals will eventually lead him to act out against both the Vulcans and the Federation. Those who oppose Spock have been assisting us.

"And the Vulcan's are not behind on the technology side. Scotty had shown me the equation long ago, and it didn't take much to recreate."

Jim felt the loss the other brought up when speaking the name of one of his crew members. Knowing that where they had died at the hand of Spock, he had survived. All Jim had now were the memories of them and the pieces of himself that he had grown into through his time spent with them.

"We'll get you your ship back. Though, when we do…I request you reconsider your desire to act out your revenge. Don't-don't argue it now. Just think on it." Jim had to speak up to talk over the protests the other began to raise, but he smiled amused when the other relented.

"So are you going to tell me your plan?" The other asked his eyes darting back to the door as if he only now recalled he was supposed to be on edge.

Jim grinned at that. He was told time and again that he had a certain way of growing on people. He could frustrate the hell out of someone, and yet at the same time he could make others get lost in the confidence and ease that Jim often emitted. It left others more calm and in control even during such risky situations.

"Alright." He sat up for this and scrubbed his hands together as all the pieces of the plan began to fall into place within his mind. Obviously he couldn't account for everything, but having to Jim Kirks onboard this plan left him with a feeling of invincibility.

It was funny how the Jim factor was often lumped into just pure luck time and again. Jim often thought ahead of most of his plans. He had Spock to account for the other variables but usually he was quick on his feet and was able to alter the plan on a moment's notice to still obtain a similar end result.

Now he had another Jim to add to that prospect, and honestly the two should cancel each other out. Two positives usually didn't work out to be a wrong, and Jim was counting on that. Even more, if something did go wrong, he was sure that it would end up working in their favor all the same.

"Firstly, I think it's best if you know the layout of your crew, so you don't have to go sneaking in there to save them. I'll also need the lock picks you keep in your boot. I know that time spent on ground keeps you cautious and I'm going to need those more than you. We'll not me, but rather a certain Vulcan who can't break out of bonds meant to hold a Vulcan hostage.

"We need some of them to escape for this to work, and you're also going to need to know the schedule I've been on over the past day to day. Then after we get that all settled you're going to need to disappear again. He can't know that you're alive. This won't work out well if he does."

Jim smirked as the other Jim tried to piece together whatever plan Jim had come up with and still was left with a confused twitch to his features.

...

...

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're going to really enjoy this."

The other Jim's lips pulled into a grin that mirrored Jim's pushed away from the wall to grab out the asked for items, and moved forward to lean against the bed.

...

...

"Tell me everything."

* * *

AN: Please forgive all spelling and grammar errors, I literally wrote this just now in a hurry to replace a note I put as a placeholder. I'll probably get back to this eventually to fix it up, but I'm on a roll with this idea and want to get it all down before I forget. Hope this sounded better to any who read the prior post. And to those who are just now reading this I hope you liked the confusion of Jim with his mirror version.

Writing this was like Jim having a conversation with himself if any of you watch the new Doctor who my mind was just imagining Chris Pine talking to himself like the doctor had in the episode with the new cybermen. haha.


	21. The One I've Lost:ThreeTwo

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**Warnings: **__Major warning for some very slight non-con (…maybe can also be taken as dubious consent since technically he had agreed to it, though, only because of Spock…) there will be some violence to come, and language. You've been warned._

AN: So, I deleted my last two chapters I posted and am currently fixing the ending. However, I'd like to restate that I am a horrible person. I know this is a WIP and people are fearful of reading those because they usually fail to update. With Even the Stars I promised not to do that and here I couldn't uphold such a promise and I'm sorry.

I ran into loss of time during school and then got major writers block. I had no idea how to end this and am still only now formulating the ending. (Obviously the rewrite should hint at this haha.) I went to see the new Star Trek movie (AMAZING!) and it was like I could breathe again. I was ready to dive back into the Star Trek storyline once more.

I don't know if I had an original intention on how to end this, because I foolishly never wrote it down, but I hope you all are alright with where it is now heading. I'm still going to incorporate all of the pieces I left along the way. So, it should all wrap up nicely and I may even put a bow on top.

So, please enjoy as the two Kirks begin to play out their plan to get the Enterprise, and hopefully our Jimmy will get Spock back at long last. : )

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Three (Part Two):

XX

…_I'll fight for us here…_

…

…

Jim let the other Spock press him up against the wall.

…

…

He responded in kind as lips sought out his own.

…

…

He turned his head away as the lips dipped towards his neck. The mock affection and gentleness made him feel ill all over again.

"You are still unwell."

It was a false display of concern as the other Spock did not stop his ministrations as he remarked on Jim's still deteriorating health. Jim felt a cold remark rise up at Spock's cool manner. The remark would have been about Bones being able to help had he not been killed off, but Jim thought better of it.

He was meant to be placating this Vulcan.

He was meant to be protecting his Vulcan.

"You…"

Jim was cut off as the other rose to seal his mouth over Jim's once more. The action demanding as he used the moment to force his way in.

…

…

His body screamed at him that this was _wrong_, but Jim didn't fight the Vulcan on this. He was being pliable.

…_all that I have and more…_

His Vulcan was strung up and sealed away. Right now his Spock was a carrot dangling just out of reach and being threatened away.

He had no sway in the matter.

…

…

He broke from the other to gasp for breath. Turning his head away, he tried to separate himself from what was going on. Yet, his mind couldn't pull away from his body. A body he had trained to react to Spock over the many months of shore leave. He was too tuned in to what was going on.

He could feel the press of Spock's length against his hip. His wrists burned where the Vulcan's hold on him began and ended. His lips felt swollen and sore from the continued onslaught. All of the presses against him were felt, though beneath it all they were not well received.

When Spock's hold released on his wrists he had to remember to leave them in place. When those hands trailed down the length of him, he had to withhold the initial flinch at the unwarranted contact. His mind and body were conflicting with all that was transpiring. It made it difficult to stay away from the here and now.

So, when Spock's hands stroked in an effort to gain a response, he found his body matching his mind. He lacked the ability to respond to this Spock in the face of the events playing out.

"Stop thinking of him."

Jim's eyes turned up at the demand.

Here was a replica of his Spock. Unlike the Jim he had been presented with, this Spock looked almost identical to his own. The only differences being that this Spock was as brittle as the Jim he had met. More importantly, this Spock did not bring comfort with his touch. This Spock's mere presence did not fill some longing deep within Jim.

He was a piece meant to be placed into a puzzle, but this particular piece belonged to a different set and therefor was not cut correctly to fit into such a slot.

He was and never would be, Jim's Spock.

…

…

Spock growled at Jim's continued reluctance, and reached up to capture his jaw.

"You will not think of him while you are with me. You are mine. My T'hy'la. Mine!"

The possessiveness in his voice thrummed with the word _wrong_ again and again. Jim's mind fought away from the touch of this Spock. His body no longer hesitated to flinch at this touch. His arms fell to catch the wrist of the Vulcan and he jerked it away from the harsh hold.

"You promised he would be saved if I gave in! Yet, you hold him hostage still." Jim hissed and glowered up at the taller man. He did not move away as he longed to, nor did he strike out. His Spock was still at risk while being held. He could not afford to trounce over this conversation, he had to step lightly and cautiously.

"I let you see him, as per my word." The Vulcan remarked his eyes growing dark at Jim's actions, "He is still alive, and no harm has come to him. I have kept my word. Vulcans do not lie, Jim. I had never promised you that he would be released if you were to obey."

Spock moved forward with purpose in his steps as he grabbed Jim up and pulled him along. Jim's legs struggled to keep up and he lost all bearings as he was thrown upon the bed.

"You will obey me now."

Spock was above him and Jim thrashed in an effort to get away.

"Desist this at once!" Spock growled settling a heavy hand upon Jim's collar and applying enough pressure to hold the other down. "You will not fight me, or I will have him taken from you permanently. Do not test me of this. I allowed you to see him, I was kind to you. Now you will behave."

Jim bucked trying to throw the other off, but knew that even in perfect health he could not accomplish such a feat easily.

"You used what I wanted against me. You gave only to gain. I stayed as I promised. If you wish for a pliant version of me to bend at your will, then you will give me what I had requested. I want my Spock safe! While he is here in this universe such a thing is not possible."

Jim ceased his struggles to return the narrow-eyed glare that Spock had settled on him. In a battle of wills Jim could outmatch Spock or at least give him a run for his money.

"If he knew how to return to your universe, I imagine he would have done so already." Spock replied his voice calmer now, and the fingers pressed to Jim's collar stroked idly. The threat remained but the other was falling back to the emotionless Vulcan he proclaimed to be. "He is safe here. No harm will befall him as long as you give yourself to me."

"As long as he is here, my mind will always remain to him." Jim countered evenly and fought down the grin as the Vulcan responded as he knew he would to such words.

Deep brown eyes narrowed once again, and the pressure returned of the hand pressing him down.

"I can get him home." Jim added.

"You will take such an opportunity as a chance to flee. The variables are too vast and uncontrollable. Even if you were to make a promise, I could neither expect you to keep it, nor could I expect your Spock to uphold our arrangement. I will not allow him to have you now that you are mine."

Spock's fingers tightened until Jim knew that bruises were sure to occur as a result. "I give you my word, that my Spock and I will uphold our agreement. I just want him home safe. Allow me to send him home." Jim calmly voiced his pleas. To further the request he reached up and let his freed hand stroke along the cheek of the man overpowering him. "With him back there I will not have to worry. My thoughts will be my own again. Isn't that what you want?"

The Spock before him caught Jim's hand up by the wrist. His hold was bordering painful as he leaned over Jim. "If you betray me I will destroy him. Know that before you agree to terms you will not keep."

"I promise you I won't let him take me away, and he will not disobey that request. I understand that if either him or I act out against this promise I will not be surprised if you…if…"

"I will kill him."

"Yes. I understand that." Jim's eyes closed at the thought and his body trembled against the possibility, "Let me go to him, and I will send him home."

"That was not per our arrangement." The Vulcan's response was quick and his refusal swift, "You will inform me how to return him and I will see that it is done."

"No," Jim's head cocked back to gaze up at the Vulcan. "I cannot accept that you will follow through with it. I can't risk such a thing, and find out later that he was still here all along."

"Vulcans do not lie."

"I cannot risk it. If you don't allow me this, then I will forever doubt your word."

Jim waited with batted breath as the Vulcan considered such terms. It was apparent that the other was not pleased with the turn out of the evening. Jim hadn't really seen it going like this either, but he let out a sigh of relief as he noted the approval rising to spill over the Vulcan's lips.

"I will allow it,"

Jim's mouth twitched in a desire to smile broadly; one of which he fought down frantically.

"I will be present this time, as you have already been given your previously affirmed timeframe." He added on and Jim's happiness felt stifled once more.

"Will you allow me to at least say goodbye?" Jim spoke up, his phrasing purposely offering the power to the Vulcan. It was an obvious acceptance of submission towards the other, a hint at what was promised if all this followed through. If the Vulcan allowed everything to transpire as Jim had requested.

Spock took time to carefully turn Jim's question over in his mind. It was obvious the wording pleased the other, but Jim knew Spock would know Jim well enough to read into such a thing. It was a game of chess and both had to pay attention as they played back and forth, or fear that they might overlook a detail once considered minute.

…

…

"I will allow you to send off your Vulcan." He responded reluctantly. Brown eyes carefully appraised Jim, and he knew that the Vulcan suspected something. He knew that he was to be carefully watched and followed through the events about to play out.

XXXXXXXX

Like last time, Jim was marched through the halls to the room holding all the rebels.

Like last time, Spock was still at the furthest end of the room, and Jim made his slow way towards him.

Unlike last time, the other Spock remained just two steps behind Jim.

…

…

Jim didn't turn to throw a weary look at the other Spock. He did not hesitate to wait for a confirmation. He just settled down to his knees before his Spock. At the same level as the one he loves, he gave the Vulcan a weary smile.

"Hello again."

He can feel all the marks the other Vulcan left this time. His lips are still raw, his neck still sore from the earlier onslaught. They were marks of a claim not this Spock's right to take, but a show that he could. His mate saw them and immediately cast his eyes to the other Vulcan.

Jim tried not to find amusement here. Time and again he could recall Spock's statement that Vulcans do not show emotions. Yet, he could read the rage hidden beneath the mask on his Spock. He could practically visualize the taunting grin the other was withholding.

"Hey, it's alright." Jim talked to draw Spock's attention back to him. He didn't care that he was being watched. This was a chance to accomplish something he hadn't been given the right to the time prior.

He leaned forward and pressed into a kiss with his Spock.

This wasn't just his body recreating motions with or without his consent. He was here and now. His fingers rose up to stroke along the silken skin, enjoying the faint thrum of a still quieted bond. Their lips parted as they both returned the open mouth kisses with enthusiasm. Both of them longing to explore one another as though they had been parted for long enough to forget the taste and feel.

Being this close to him and actively enjoying the touch of his Spock left Jim feeling a thrum of _right_ where he had so constantly been bombarded with the _wrong_. This was where he was meant to be.

There was still something amiss about their connection, but he didn't dwell on it as he delved further into the man he had been missing for far too long. He could only vaguely recall the feel of the soft press of lips that day the Element was lost. How many days had he sought out this very Vulcan? How many weeks? So much time lost, and just for this brief breath of time he could sink into nothing aside from his other half.

…

…

"Enough."

…

…

Jim was jerked back and away from his Spock, like an unexpected splash of cold water. He was brought back, and away from the small comfort he had found in the touch of his T'hy'la. The harsh press of the other's hand, separating them, was a cruel reminder of his position here.

"Now send him back." The other demanded.

Jim watched as his Spock took a moment to control himself, as his jaw twitched with the minutest of movements.

Spock's attention had gone from the other Vulcan who was threatening his mate, to Jim in a flash. Cold rage morphed into confusion and neither emotion was masked towards his bonded one. "Jim?"

If one was to take a moment here and truly listen to the word. If they knew the other as well as Jim did, then they would catch that the Vulcan's voice was off. It was just slightly, almost unremarkable in the difference. Just beneath the normal manner of speaking, you could hear the faintest of lisps.

"You can't argue, and I can't go with you. Understand that." Jim replied and shifted away from the other Spock's hold to pull the necklace from his neck. The charm from the Elders was a heavy weight in his hand, as he shifted forward to pass it off to his Spock. "I thought perhaps, just being beside you would've sparked enough of a paradox in this world to send us back to our own. I was wrong. Our last visit showed me that."

The feeling of eyes drilling upon his back left Jim longing to shy away from such attention. He knew that admitting the attempt to escape was not a factor the other Spock had even considered.

"I believe they gave me this so that we could return after I got to this side." Jim's words were spoken forlornly as he pressed Spock's fingers around the locket. "It should take you back." His own hand slid back to his lap as he concluded his thoughts aloud.

Spock reached out for him, but Jim was able to shy away from his own Spock, "I can't come with you, Spock."

It was obvious the reasoning behind this, and Spock's eyes turned up to the other Vulcan. His presence behind Jim spoke all the truth to such theories. He was a towering figure threatening his mate, and yet the pair had positioned themselves wisely. They were both just out of the reach of his chains. Jim had given himself the control of when he could shift into range or not, and it left Spock straining at his hold.

"I will not leave you here." Spock replied coolly and evenly. His tug on the bonds lessened as he moved to press the hand with the locket into his thigh. For now he was casting away what Jim requested of him. He was not leaving his Jim alone with this other.

He had already bore witness to the violence this alternative version of him graced upon what was not his own. He would not leave Jim to face further harm. "You cannot ask that of me again."

Jim choked out at the words, all composure he had leaving him in that instant. His throat catching on a sob and he had to duck his head to cast his eyes guiltily towards the floor. His heart ached at the mere mention of troubles long past.

With a deep inhale, he gazed back up into those auburn eyes, needing to continue. He would reflect more on the matter later. He had to remain focused.

"Spock, I traveled universes to just find out you are alive. You…you can't stay here. I can't have you be trapped for the rest of our lives. Go back, love. Be safe. That's more than I could ask for. You need to return, you can't stay here…I won't hold you back."

He just needed Spock to be safe. Whatever fell upon his own shoulders, he could handle, but the brief contact with Spock left him reeling in the loss he had felt. He could not watch Spock come to harm when he could prevent it.

"Don't argue." Jim added and it was obvious the reasoning behind this. "Just go back. We've got to make sure that someone is there to protect our family."

Spock dipped his head in acknowledgment of this, but Jim continued with this train of thought.

"Don't let Chekov mope around, and make sure Sulu sticks to his plan for training towards a captaining position. Nyota is strong but don't tune her out. She'll need you as much as you'll need the support of others. Don't let Bones run either. He may hate space, but he needed a place to call home. The Enterprise gives him that. You'll all be alright."

He shifted forward without thought; his hand seeking to give comfort, but he lurched back immediately. Spock's head lifted to note the movement he caught.

Jim could not offer comfort here. Not at this moment.

Spock's gaze was one of understanding as they met with the brilliant blue eyes of his beloved. He may not like what he was agreeing to, but there was only one that Spock would give such trust to completely.

"Very well, Jim."

Auburn eyes fell to the object on his person. His hand clenched around the cool press of metal as the unknown lingered heavily in the air.

With a click he pressed the latch to open the locket, and let out an even exhale of breath as it popped open.

His eyes fell to the reflective surface, reading over the inscribed words. For a brief moment his pupils expanded as realization came upon him, but passed away as though a fading memory.

…

…

The locket clicked once more as he slid it shut and turned his gaze at the two in question.

…

…

A delicately constructed brow rose up as though mocking his other, and he did not hesitate to voice what was already apparent.

"I believe that this was not the intended result."

* * *

AN: I kind of got carried away with this chapter. I was going to write more of the plan out, but it's already reached just about 4,000 words which is longer than most of the others so I'm splitting it into another page. I ended up helping my friend out with a project so didn't get as much written as I wanted. Figured I'd post this still, but I need some sleep so I'll get back to writing after I wake.

Hope this sounded alright, and look forward to more progress in the next chapter.


	22. The One I've Lost:ThreeThree

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**Warnings: **__small acts of violence, some cussing, and very light mxm.  
_

AN: The plan follows through and revelations are made. I apologize for the ending. To all who previously read my post I deleted you already know the spoilers to come. Its still something I've been hinting at for some time now so not too big a spoil.

Please enjoy : )

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter Three (Part Three):

XX

"No." The voice of the Spock behind Jim, dipped deep as the annoyance bled through. He was supposed to have been finally given what he wanted.

Jim on the other hand was all smiles. "I suppose we'll have to try something else. I could work with Spock on trying to recreate a scenario-"

The words were stilted as Jim was once again carted up and away from his Spock. The same feeling of loss built up deep within his chest as Jim felt compelled to fight to remain here.

The creak of the metal brought his eyes up to meet those of his Spock. "It'll be alright." He reassured.

"It is an unfortunate turn of events that what you had hoped to happen did not go as you had foreseen. However, I must cease allowing you such opportunities as you are under the assumption that I will consider your desire to get your Vulcan back. In doing so, you have come to an incorrect conclusion. I offered you one meeting with your beloved and you have already gained two.

"Look at him closely and know that he will be safely kept as promised. However, in the events that your plan to return him has failed we are still to uphold what we discussed. I have kept up my end and you will see to it to keep up yours. As you have already been given a moment for a goodbye, then you no longer require another one."

He cast a look upon the Vulcan straining against his chains. "Those bonds will not break, I can guarantee that. Now, you will excuse us. We have more pressing matters to attend."

Jim flinched at the touch but let the other Spock lead him away. He threw one last longing glance over his shoulder before being carted out of the room.

"It was foolish of you to take such liberties. I assure you the consequences of such actions will not be pleasant."

Jim tugged at the hold the other held on him. "I believed that the locket would work! You can't fault me for that. If he stays locked away he will surely dies. Maybe not today, but he will. I cannot sit by and allow that."

"You will." Spock hissed, halting their progress down the hall to press Jim against the wall. He crowed close to the human.

"My argument still stands. As long as he is here I will not stop thinking about him. I need to be sure he is safe."

"Then to secure that your beloved is safe you will cease all of this at once. Understand that after this moment, your Vulcan's fate belongs to me. If his continued existence upon this ship is the cause of your reluctance to give in, know that I have no qualms about removing him personally. I can assure you that he is safe upon this vessel and you can accept that the words I give you are the truth. If you chose to disobey me further then I can make sure he is no longer a problem. Is further elaboration required?"

Jim's teeth clacked as he clenched his jaw tight. There were words he would like to say here, but he knew when it was time to fight and when it was best to not. Any word he could say now would only be taken as a reason to attack his Spock.

He gave a curt shake to his head as the only response.

"That is a wise decision."

XXXXXXXX

Red alarms blared to life, lighting the halls and warning ever member on board the Enterprise that they were being attacked.

Where everyone else began to scatter and prepare for any hostile situation, here was Jim pressed against the wall. Spock still remained before him, and if anyone were to look they may have mistaken the position as the Vulcan trying to shield Jim from harm. Yet, he was still crowded there as a show of who was in charge.

The alarms carried on around them and Jim lifted his eyes up to Spock's waiting to see what his response was going to be. While he was waiting, a buzz caught his ear and was quickly followed by a chime. He knew that sound, and shifted his gaze to his left to see a comm station just outside his peripheral.

However, Spock's attention drew there and he seemed to hold no problem seeing the screen from his position. If he did, he made no move to go closer so as to lessen the distance.

"Captain!" A human voice shouted out into their hallway. The mix of fear and panic was too apparent for it to be Vulcan, "The hostages—all of them are just gone, sir! They just transported away! We need you on Bridge, sir."

Spock's mood seemed, if anything to darken further.

"You were a part of this." He breathed out through his teeth, trying to reign in his anger so as not to strike out.

"I was with you this whole time. I'm constantly supervised or locked away. How is it you expect me to transport thirty so people away from your ship under those conditions?" Jim replied evenly and cocked his head in an effort to avoid the smirk that longed to pull up his lips.

"Ensign. Have the bridge crew put our shields up. Send someone to my position, immediately, to bring Jim back to his quarters and seal him there until the matter has been dealt with."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Two security details heading to your location as we speak." The ensign carried on rattling away for a brief time, but the important information was already gathered. Jim and Spock tuned her out enough so that they did not bother to respond, and finally the chime sounded again to mark the comm turning back to standby.

"I do not pose to understand how you accomplished such a thing, but I know that this is not a random occurrence."

"Spock, did you ever think that maybe, just maybe the rebels wanted to be here? I mean were you in that room with me? Not a single one of them was fighting against their hold. All of those men and women who you have made suffer through the years and they are just fine with falling into your lap? I don't think it's me that you should be worrying about."

Spock took two even steps back away from Jim. He adjusted his shirt and made an attempt to compose himself, so as to look the part of collected Vulcan. He wasn't fooling anyone, but having the space to move and breathe left Jim pulling away from the wall just barely.

When he got back home, wall kinks were forever taken off the list. He had been forced up against, and slammed into a wall too many times in such a short time period that he was sick of it.

…

…

The security ordered to their location arrived promptly, and Spock didn't bother to inform them further on where he was to be taken. He had supplied that information already. Instead, Spock leveled a warning glare upon the two as he passed Jim over.

More and more during his time within this universe he was beginning to feel like the shiny new toy. A toy which was being carted around, but the kid who received it was having issues with the concept of sharing.

From the strong grasp of a Vulcan to the burly fingers of security guards, Jim found his way back to the room he very much abhorred.

Upon Spock's orders they followed Jim into the room to make sure he was safely escorted. However, as they passed over the threshold into the room they were met with the company of three intruders.

Yet, not a single person moved to raise a weapon towards one another.

Instead the two hands hold Jim in place let him go without any resistance. It was odd, and Jim took a cautious step away from them, believing this to all be some ploy before they began an all-out attack.

That was up to the point where the guard on the left stepped forward to catch the wrist of one of the rebellions, "You make sure he don't get beat up too badly, he's already had a hell of a ride up here."

_What the hell…?_

Jim turned a puzzled gaze and caught the guard leaning further to press a kiss to the others cheek, "And don't do any stupid heroics to show off to the Captain, when he gets the ship back you know he won't pick favorites. Everyone who helped will be rewarded evenly."

_Okay…well he hadn't accounted for that._

Jim felt a hand of one the rebels take up his arm, but the contact was cautious and gentle as he moved Jim to stand in a specific position. The two guards pulled back and turned to go stand outside the door.

If Spock came to check, Jim was sure they would insist they led Jim to the room and sealed him away as per instructions. They stood in wait outside the door for further security procedures, but heard no sounds from within.

It was interesting how loyal his crew could be.

The wisps of energy began to form around them and as simple as that he was being taken away from this ship and its hold on him.

...

...

They stepped away from the makeshift landing pad into a darkened room, likely underground or similarly hidden. Jim stepped off of the pad, losing the arm aiding in keeping him close by. He stepped off of the pad and pushed away from the throng of people.

He stepped off the pad and into the waiting arms of his Vulcan.

"Hello, T'hy'la."

Jim's lips clashed to the Vulcan's and he practically sobbed into the others mouth as arms encircled his waist and pulled him close. There were no boundaries being set for them. There were no bonds holding them apart this time.

It was just him and Spock. Free to fall into one another.

…

…

Finally back at last.

…

…

The Jim of this universe had followed through with his first part of the bargain. He had gotten Jim back to his Spock. Now Jim would aide in getting the other his ship back and saving these rebels from a dictating power which should never have gained so much over them all.

He promised such and wouldn't leave without seeing it followed through. Then they would try and find a way to get Jim and Spock back to their correct universe.

XXXXXXXX

"Was it necessary to pass a lock pick through a kiss, my James? Vulcans are very perceptive, what if he caught on to what you were doing. The risks you took to-"

Jim broke the others train of thought, stroking fingers along the length of Spock's neck. He brushed a thumb against the Vulcan's jaw line and tilted Spock's chin so as to better angle him as he slowly pressed his lips to the others. The kiss was met and matched as the delved into one another.

The pace was kept slow and explorative as the just enjoyed the taste and feel of each other. Jim pulled away first and dipped his head down to rest within the crook of Spock's neck.

"Spock." The words were a breath against the Vulcan's skin as Jim settled into the others presence. "They're risks I already took. I told you I'd fight for you, fighting just went a little differently than what we're used to. Plus, wasn't I surprised to realize you had a card up your sleeve all along. The time schedule definitely got pushed forward when I found other me standing in wait."

Jim's hands idly stroked along the expanse of skin, on the side of the neck he wasn't currently nuzzled against. Spock did not remain immobile as his own hands clung to Jim. One hand stroked fingers along the length of Jim back offering comfort and a soothing lull in the motions.

It had only been a short hour ago that they were returned to one another. At this moment in time, they just needed to be sure they truly had what was before them.

Jim just needed to be sure that Spock was truly there. He had witnessed Spock be taken from him, and with the bond still not coming to life within this universe. He felt disconnected in a way that even the touch of his beloved was struggling to qualm.

After some time of silence, Spock spoke in response to Jim's queries, "It was a surprise I had not expected when waking up in a universe not my own."

A pair of boots clapped as they hit the floor announcing the arrival of another.

"Scared the bastard, is what he's avoiding to say. I had a gun aimed on him and all he could say was that I wasn't his Jimmy. You can imagine how I'd take that, but it was an odd sight, seeing the mighty captain wounded and fallen to Vulcan. It was all too easy so I knew there had to be something up." The other Jim interrupted them with little regard to the moment they were sharing.

"I stole his gun and rendered him unconscious so as not to have harm inflicted upon my person. When he woke I persuaded him to take my word." Spock explained how the events truly went about and a laugh bubbled forth out past Jim's lips.

The other Jim just grumbled at the story and how if you say things like that it made him sound foolish.

The warm moment was strange but nice while it lasted. The other Jim had come for a purpose, so they all knew that it couldn't be prolonged.

"It's time to get this show on the road, sorry but we're going to need to borrow your Jim." He prompted the two to follow him, rather than try and separate them first.

"The sooner we get this done the better. I'd rather not have to stick around long enough to try and figure out who will go by what version of our name. It's all way too confusing…you being me and all." Jim replied as he followed after the other Jim, Spock being tugged along by his hand held within Jims.

"As we are safely away from the ship and this universe's Spock, I imagine we are about to embark on a incompletely thought out plan in which to cease the Enterprise back?"

The twin smirks that rose at the question were answer enough.

"Very well, as Jim's plans are usually able to fall into place against all odds, I am sure that this will be an interesting sight to witness." Spock agreed wearily but a soft reassuring squeeze to his hand helped alleviate some of the tension.

"You may not like this next part so much but bear with us." Jim replied and turned to the other version of himself, "You and I are going to need to change before we begin any of this."

XXXXXXXX

Spock had been pacing along the bridge as again and again they failed to pick up any sign of those who transmitted off the Enterprise.

What was further aggravating was when he had returned to the bridge, after parting ways with Jim, he had found that his command had not been followed. The shields were still down.

"_Engineering was having difficulties getting them up sir. It seemed that someone had sabotaged our controls."_

Now the shields were back, but the time it had taken to get to such a point was too great. Already they had managed to accomplish the inevitable. They took him. They took his James from him, from the security of a room that was not disclosed to personal outside of a select few. All of which were being held up at the present until the facts could surface.

He had believed Jim had been a part to this plot but he could not understand how he had made contact with the others. His time with his beloved had been monitored. Jim had not spoken of his place on board this ship to any other, nor of the rebellion at all.

"Incoming transmission, Captain. It's them, it's the rebellion sir. They say they have something you want."

Jim.

"Locate where they are transmitting from, as soon as you do see to it that they are all brought back. Have security ready and waiting in the transporter bay for their arrival." Spock listed off his orders before giving a curt nod, "Put it on screen, Lieutenant."

Before all those on the bridge was James Kirk, beaten and blindfolded. He was brought to his knees and behind him three individuals stood blanketed in darkness. They had weapons placed to his head and the threat was obvious.

"If you plan to transport us up, it is ill advised. We will kill him." the voice clicked with static and the sound of an overlay altered the voice patterns so as not to hear the true speaker. "You will come down to Vulcan and surrender, or we will kill him. You will not fight, or we will kill him. Do you understand our terms?"

The bridge was silent as Spock remained calmly staring at what was before him on the screen.

"You will not harm him. I will discuss your terms with you, but not from Vulcan." He replied evenly and nodded over to the Lieutenant. On screen he watched as all parties became surrounded with the signs of impending transportation.

A gun shot rang out, and Spock lurched forward from his seat. However, all those present on screen were no longer there.

"Lieutenant!"

"All members arriving in transporter bay now sir." The Lieutenant replied earnestly, "No, word yet on any injuries."

"Send a medic on route towards the transporter bay and have security detain all weapons. I am in route now." Spock stood and made his was off the bridge with hurried steps.

They had planned this all with Jim. That was the only explanation. They wouldn't have hurt him…they wouldn't have truly killed his James. He needed him to be alive.

He couldn't lose him again!

…

…

Arriving to the transporter bay was like arriving into chaos.

There were a mass of rebels and his own men all trying to keep order in the allotted space. None of this mattered though as Spock pushed his way forward towards the inner center of the crowd. Towards where he knew his Jim would be.

Upon arrival his earlier dishevel became unnecessary.

Sitting at the edge of the bay was Jim. The other was not as he had last left him. A bruise was blooming upon his cheek and he was unruly in comparison to how he had been prior. There was blood from a head wound leaking down across his brow and wiped away before it had been able to pool into his eye. He had been nicked but the injury was not substantial.

However, they had still injured what was his.

He was enraged by all that had transpired and without further warning he stepped towards Jim. "Are you pleased with yourself, my Jim? Was this you desired goal? Did you truly believe I would surrender the Enterprise so easily to the rebellion? Did you truly think that after all was said and done that you could just win and go back? Look at how you failed."

This Spock held his arms at large to show all of those held at phaser point within the room. All the rebels caught once more.

"For injuring you I will not be so kind. Kill them, all of them."

Jim flinched at the command, but made no comment.

The hum of the phasers grew loud within the room and a few sobs broke out over the silence that had fallen upon the command. Spock had knelt closer to hover over Jim after the order was made. He planned to further speak to Jim about his failures as those around him began to fall.

Yet, no fire was being made.

He stood straight up and realized that the room at large was no longer being held at gun point. All of those in his company had set their weapons down to their side, or completely placed them away.

He was about to snap the command again when a click sounded loudly just behind him. As he felt the blunt press of cool metal against the base of his skull, he halted the words from escaping. His eyes turned to the Jim upon the transporter bay, and he truly looked at the other man.

The man was smirking.

"I am very pleased with _myself_, Spock. In fact I'd give _myself_ a pat on the back for this. It wasn't my initial goal. You see my plan had actually been to bring you down to Vulcan and fight you. I never thought you'd surrender and knew that dragging you out was the best way to get to you. Yet, I found this plan to be somewhat more satisfying. As long as it ended with me getting the ship back, well I didn't care really all the much on how.

"My plan obviously had been taking long anyway. Using what you wanted against you, brilliant. Though, unfortunately what you wanted was a person and that person was me, but all the same."

He pushed up to stand tall and wiped at the blood from his brow, with little regard.

"You are not my Jim." Spock replied evenly, each word an effort as he struggled to say them out loud.

"I…am not your Jim." The words left the other as though he were trying them out. He pivoted in his step to turn and face Spock, "Well, to be accurate, I actually am your Jim. The one you tried to kill, I am sure you remember me. I am however, not the Jim you had kidnapped and held hostage to replace me."

His tone fell to a crueler note at this, "Really now, Spock, If I had known my death would have caused you so much grief I would have shown myself earlier."

Spock's brown eyes lifted at this, he was stunned by such a declaration.

Yet, this Jim just laughed out and stepped nearer.

"Then again, probably not, I mean you did kill me." His eyes swept up and over to the other standing behind Spock and then back to the Vulcan, "Well you tried to kill me. Obviously you need to make sure dead is dead, _sweetheart_. But hey, _beloved_, that's new. It's unfortunate you had off'd me only to decide I was the one for you, hmm?

"Your other self and I had quite the conversation. I fear you might have approached things poorly here, _love_." He paused to fully take in the Vulcan before him, "Really, it's quite a shame. We're supposed to be one of a whole, and yet, you see all I want to do is take that phaser and blow a lovely hole through your pretty Vulcan skull."

Each term of endearment that left Jim's lips came with a hiss of distaste. Each word was left unnoted as he kept on conversing, however, his amused grin slid away as he came to a halt. He pushed up into the Vulcan's space, and Spock shifted as if preparing to attack.

"Ah-ah. Let's not do anything stupid and rash now Mr. Spock." Jim smirked as he saw the phaser press more pointedly against the base of Spock's skull. "You took my ship from me, and murdered my crew."

Jim turned to face away as he spoke these words. He took a few measured steps, before pivoting around and settling a murderous glare upon the Vulcan. He longed to throw a punch at the other but held back.

"You stole everything from me!" He seethed, all of the earlier mirth and amusement stricken away as if never existing. "You took my life and expect a replacement to bend into the place that you created for me!

"You believe that I would lie at your feet and grovel as you bask in the glory I was destined for?! I should strike you down and force you to suffer as I have. Yet, you seek love…" He barked a laugh at this and leaned forward to grasp at the Vulcan's hair and tug to pull the other to gaze at him this time, "I offer you death, or exile. I will tear all who aided you limb from limb and only then will I offer you the respite of a choice. Love is for children and I know that there is no trust in a man who sentenced me dead."

"Enough."

The Jim before Spock released his hold to glare over at the man behind Spock. "This no longer pertains to you."

"That is all good and nice, but you gained your victory. There is no need to fight any longer." Jim spoke up from behind Spock, "Look around you Spock." Jim pulled the weapon from its point at the Vulcan's skull, "Your crew, those you believed to be loyal. Most if not all of them aided against you.

"You cannot win this time. You wanted Jim Kirk. Well yours is not lost to you yet. You were foolish to believe that he would eventually cast you aside. I know you struck out first. Logically you had overheard something and mistook it. You thought you were about to be betrayed and irrationally believed it was better to suffer the loss by your own hand instead of at the will of others.

"You don't need to fight anymore. You are better together, stronger together. It may take time to see this but I hope that you both can." Jim stepped around to face the two of this universe. "It's over now."

Spock and Jim from this universe both seemed to bristle at what was transpiring. Yet Spock's eyes rose up to travel along the length of the room. It was quickly apparent that what Jim had said was true. Only a select few had been detained of his own crew. All others were standing among the rebels as equals.

"That is checkmate then. I concede you have won this round." This Spock acknowledged and tucked his hands behind his back in the best display of composure he could muster, "I shall not offer apologies as I can already deduce that such an expression will not be accepted.

"I will only state that in the events that it was me or you, I was not going to allow you to just wipe me away as though my existence meant nothing. The admirals and the Federation should not have persuaded you, and I had allowed my disappointment to rule my actions. I will accept whatever form of punishment you deem fit." Spock paused here turning his eyes to the Jim of his own universe, "Captain."

Jim watched the two evenly before casting the gun aside and turning to seek out his own Spock. He was still exhausted, but they had accomplished it. They had gained the Enterprise back, he had returned to his own Spock, and very soon they would be returning to their correct universe.

…

…

Spock had the locket out when Jim had finally reached his side.

Spock had the locket open by the time he noticed Jim's company.

Auburn eyes caught with blue and the expression was one of understanding, clarity, and pain. "Jim I understand now. I understand what you had been speaking of while I was held hostage. There is no way to return to our universe, because we had never truly left."

Jim's eyes settled on the locket in Spock's hand. The words etched in as a constant reminder, and he turned up to catch the auburn gaze.

"I couldn't go without you." Jim replied evenly, "Do you know how hard it is to stay under?" he breathed out a sigh of relief and leaned forward to rest his head against Spock's shoulder, "Fighting it for so long. I've been sick with the effort of refusing to accept the truth, I've known for so long, but hadn't even found you yet. I couldn't leave you alone in here. Not when you promised me I'd never be alone, I couldn't leave you alone."

…

…

"It'll be alright now."

…

…

"We have to wake up. We have to go save the others."

* * *

AN: There we go, that sounds much more like how I wanted that to play out. I have to fix a few things in the next chapter, but since I had already written it out it shouldn't take too long to post. Then I already began the following chapter, before I went back to fix this up. So, maybe two more chapters before the end of the day? Fingers crossed.

Bear with me, they'll be back on the Enterprise soon, I promise. Just a few more steps to get there.


	23. The One I've Lost:Four

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**Warnings: **__None that I can recall…probably some language, but mild.  
_

AN: Notes are at the end due to possible spoilers...just know that the italics are for a reason. Also I took some liberties because no amount of research really helped me here. I'm just going to go with that b/c of the timeline being changed in the New Original Star Trek movies, the Nexus has changed as well to fit my story (_spoilers...sorry to any who didn't know that was coming_).

Also for anyone who doesn't know what the Nexus is I'll explain that sorta here but if its still confusing ill go over it more so in the next chapter. When Jim and Spock wake up. And to those who had read this previously I changed a few things and corrected some, but I still wanted to keep this chapter so I brought it back...I just moved it to a more appropriate place.

Please enjoy : )

* * *

The One I've Lost

Chapter four:

XX

XXXXXXXX

_"You should not be awake."_

_Jim's attention drew up and over as a figure stepped forward. He tried to move up and away but when he lifted his arms he was strapped down by an assortment of wires. His breath caught in his throat as he forced down the desire to struggle._

_"What's going on, where am I?" His voice was groggy as though he had just woken up from a long nap. The room he was in was dark almost too dark if not for a low-lit light hovering above where he was lying. The figure barely stood out in the light but as she neared he had a better look at her._

_She had a humanoid feature to her, aside from the extended neck and three extra eyes, to that of a normal human. As well her skin was a soft lavender shade with a flicker of orange brewing beneath the surface of her skin._

_Jim had never encountered such a creature in his time exploring, and yet she felt familiar._

_"Have we met before?" The question overlapped his prior one and he knew that because of this he would probably not receive an answer to his first query._

_"We have not met, though we know all about you James Kirk. We know of all your suffering, and of all of your accomplishments. We know what brings you joy, anger, and grief. We know you, and yet you have greatly puzzled us. How is it you have awoken from our gift?"_

_Her use of the plural subtext confused Jim, but no more than her final word. "Gift?" he questioned and paused as an old recollection came to the front of his thoughts. "Nexus."_

_"We offer you paradise." She spoke and cocked her head to the side in curiosity or dismay. It was hard to tell with her lack of expressions. The loss of a brow with all of the eyes made it a greater challenge to read the emotion in her eyes._

_"It's just an illusion. Your paradise is a perfect rendition of the greatest desires within, but at the end it is still not reality." Jim breathed out and his eyes left their evaluating gaze on her to search out for another. "I've had it shown to me that no matter how greatly you are able to capture and reproduce an image…it will never be what the real world can offer. There is no joy or pain equal to that of truth."_

_"We wish to express condolences for all of your suffering. We off you an escape, and yet you are stronger than what we had originally believed. With your words we perhaps understand your capabilities now, but we regret that our gift has supplied such an alteration from this perfect reality you seek."_

_She came closer to settle alongside his bed. His eyes lifted to settle upon two sets of hers. He doubted they…she truly understood what he was referring to, and yet her apologies left him confused._

_"I had mention of such an event occurring. Being trapped within such a place as this. It was an old friend who warned me, but he believed that with all the alterations to my timeline and the choices that we made would not lead us here. He was wrong then." Jim sighed and looked up at the darkness, how did he end up here? There were gaps in his memory. He had been with his crew staring at the Element. He was angered because Pike had sent spoke over…but then what had happened?_

_"You express confusion for you presence here? Even though you were warned that such a fate would come, you still doubted?"_

_Jim's eyes closed at her words. He had not doubted such an event would occur. Instead he had hoped that it would not._

_"You are lost James Kirk."_

_Jim blinked his eyes open at her words, and thought he saw two others mirroring her and yet both different. They faded back into one being and Jim looked solemnly up at her._

_"We gave you a life away from the demands of captaining. We gave you the peace that your suffering sought a reprieve from. We supplied to you the gift of peace."_

_"Peace has never been what I sought." Jim smiled crookedly, "I am an explorer, I thrive Captaining the Enterprise. I…I am best when I am pushed."_

_Jim tugged at his arms in an attempt to sit up. The woman waved her hands and the wires disappeared. With his arms no longer restricted he sat up and rubbed at his temple._

_He wasn't the captain, right now Pike was Captain of the Enterprise. At least until Jim knew that he could step back into the shoes he had long since stumbled out of. He had a family to keep safe. If he could not fill the position, as he once had, then it could be at the cost of all those he held most dear._

_"Where are the others? I was on the Enterprise…how did I get here? What happened to all those on board the Space Station Element?" Jim spoke the words barely above a whisper._

_"The space station happened to be within collision course. Upon your ships arrival, you tried to prevent such an occurrence. Your ship came to close and could not pull away."_

_Jim gasped out at this and his eyes darted around the blackness surrounding them. Everyone had been pulled in. Elder Spock had insisted it was Jim who was lost, but now they had all suffered at the hand of the Nexus._

_…_

_…_

_They were all trapped here._

_…_

_…_

_"You brought everyone here?" Jim breathed out aghast._

_"We saved them all, yes."_

_His knuckles curled into fists upon his lap. He should have been informed of everything. If he had taken up Captaincy of his ship, then he would have been given all the details. He would have known that the attack on the Element was that of an Energy storm drawing too near._

_If he had been Captain then he would have been able to know these facts, before they had even drawn near the endangered space station. He would have been able to recall his talk with Elder Spock, and plan for these events._

_Now they all were suffering because he hadn't been prepared to face what would come if he wasn't the same Captain he had been. He wanted to protect them all from the 'what ifs' and endangered them by doing so._

_"The Federation space station and the Enterprise?"_

_"They were an unfortunate loss." The female bowed as if to offer a condolence for such a loss, "However, we had not wished to cause any destruction. We make our way with such great time gaps between that our existence is usually missed. However, it was your ship coming forth that brought about its own demise."_

_Jim growled out at this. He wasn't sure if the sound was directed towards her or at himself. He was outraged that there was so much that could have been prevented. So much that could have been done to prevent this._

_"It was because of your crews need to rescue that brought you in our path."_

_"W-what are you getting at? They couldn't have known. I wasn't in command at the time, if I had been on the bridge maybe…but there was no way-"_

_The woman lifted her hand to press it over Jim's lips—silencing his train of thought._

_"The past is the past. Your crew is all safe within. It is only you who has struggled accepting our gift."_

_"It's not a gift! It's a lie." Jim growled pulling away from her and his eyes cast to his lap. His hands clenched further into tight fists and dropped to his sides upon the table. "Stop. Just stop calling it a gift, when we both know that is not what this is. You feed off of the energy the people offer. The Nexus is an energy source. It travels through space and time. You take up all who fall in your path, and you find yourself continuing on. You feed off of them because in here they can live so much longer. Time holds no sway."_

_His eyes rose up to narrow at her, "Where are the ones you took. Where are the Federation members that existed on the Enterprise and on the Element? They are not yours, they are under my protection, and you will return them to me."_

_"James Kirk. You have suffered greatly and it follows you. It is a heavy burden lying over your shoulders. You try and escape it but each time you look it still is there."_

_Her calm voice in response to his demand left him feeling unsteady._

_"What do you see? What plagues you that even the offer of peace leaves you feeling threatened? What follows you through your suffering?"_

_Jim flinched at her question._

_For far too long he had been catching glimpses of his fears. He struggled looking at himself. Reflections showed him a shell of the man he was._

_He saw a man too broken to fix and a version of himself he never wanted to become. A version of himself he loathed._

_"My mind is my own." Jim replied softly and dropped his eyes again. All the tension in his body wilted away._

_This fear had followed him day after day. It grew worse ever since boarding the Enterprise. Here he was constantly reminded of what he was not. He could pretend all was well, up until he saw himself. He couldn't lie to himself. His image showed him the truths of the emptiness he had become. Of the ones who haunted him through his time spent on board the Romulan ship.  
_

_"You have been lost, why then refuse our reprieve? We can offer you a place where you can become that man once again. We can give you your strength and you will continue never letting your family down. Never will anyone be harmed."_

_Jim let his eyes drift shut at such a promise. Is that not what he wanted?_

_"You are left drifting from your fears…allow us to settle you." She breathed out, and her words sounded so satisfying._

_While trapped in his own mind he had asked Spock to remain. There he would never have to face the shell he had become on the outside. There he would never have to face all those he would disappoint._

_Yet Spock had told him the mirage would never give him what he sought._

_"…Spock…"_

_He looked up at her, and choked on the thought that once again he had debated giving everything up. His head shook in refusal to sink that low once again, and he tried to speak as levelly as he could muster, "Where are the survivors? You said you had all those from the space station and the Enterprise. You will return them to me."_

_"You threaten a balance that has already been put into place. Our gift was meant to keep you from expressing any desire to leave. You cannot take what we have gained. They are unlike you, they have accepted our gifts by their continued rest."_

_She gestured beyond them._

_…_

_…_

_The room washed full of light and Jim breathed out heavily at the sight before him._

_His crew and all others were spread out, reaching further then his eye could see. Thousands of people, he had given the Nexus thousands of people by refusing to Captain._

_…_

_…_

_His eyes caught onto a certain blue, and he was up without hesitation._

_She could not prevent him, no more than the lag in his legs. He stumbled multiple times as his body tried to regain the strength it had lost. Yet, his progression forward did not halt until he was before his Vulcan._

_The science blues were as pristine as always. His immaculate lover, Spock was there just within his reach, asleep and unmoving._

_He reached out and shook Spock in an attempt to rouse him from the induced dreams, but it was to no avail. His fingers stroked across his Vulcan's high cheeks, and felt relief at the prickle of the bond ringing with the touch._

_He leaned down and pressed his lips against the impassive others. This Spock was cold towards him, lifeless in his unconscious state. As he was currently, he was not the Spock that Jim sought out, Jim wanted the small flecks of emotions in bright auburn eyes. He wanted the warmth of his touch, and the gentleness offered through hands he knew were strong enough to break him, and yet held so much control. He wanted him alive and well, not dead to the world as he was now in this forced slumber.  
_

_With little effort he brushed his lips down to whisper against the Vulcan's ears, "…Don't leave me…wake up, Spock…"_

_…_

_…_

_"Why is it you awoke?"_

_Jim stood up straight and pulled apart from his hovering position._

_"You cannot trick me no matter how convincing a game you play. Any world that you create for me will not be whole. I would be missing my other half and would subconsciously seek it out." Jim turned to look at her approach once again, "If you know me, as you say you do. Then you would know that I will always fight for what is important. I don't let anything stop me."_

_He stood proudly as he positioned himself fully between the female and his mate. He wouldn't let them near what was his to protect._

_"James Kirk, we will give you a counter offer." She stopped just before him and looked at what Jim was guarding. "Take it and we will offer you the reprieve you seek."_

_"You expect me to just accept being thrown back into a false reality? After I already informed you that there is no world you can create that I will not find to be false. I refuse your offer, now you will return my crew and those on board the Element back to where we belong."_

_His command was direct and his dismissal plain. He was growing tired of dancing around the matter at hand. He had been awake too long already, and he wasn't going to just accept and let the others remain trapped as well. Now, all he wished for was to have everyone returned. He was done running._

_"We express condolences at the suffering we have caused you. However, we cannot allow such a thing to occur. We have already informed you they are already a part of the balance. You had managed to escape our world given. If you wish it, then we can return you to wherever you wish to go. You have always been important to the timeline, and it will be a great gain to have you returned. We are unable to give you anything else, you will have to choose if you wish to go or if you would rather state, but only you are capable of leaving._

_The female bowed low and lifted Jim's chin._

_The shock of the touch left Jim straining not to back away._

_"If we give you what you wish then we will suffer. It may alter many courses beyond our own perception…we may even cease to exist if such a great unbalance were to occur. Either take our gift or leave."_

_"You are unsure what will happen. Odds are you existed without them than you can exist without them once again. The risk is not that great. You cannot have all of these people. This is too great a cost!" Jim's eyes narrowed once more and he took a step back and away from her._

_"Do you wish to reunite with your mate?"_

_Jim stilled at the words and all anger and frustration fluttered away as concern returned full force. His eyes flashed behind him to Spock lying still as death. Would they truly use the other as a means to persuade Jim's hand in the matter? He wouldn't just sit back and let this happen._

_"Don't you talk about him!"_

_"Do you wish to return to your fiancé?"_

_The bond between himself and Spock seemed to thrum at the knowledge of them being parted. It ached and felt like a piercing scream calling Jim's awareness to it. The loss would be too great. Jim knew that something had changed when he returned. His connection with Spock was a reminder of what he had overcome, and what he had to continue fighting for. It was a thrum that he could not live without; it was a comfort that had become a piece of his life._

_"Stop."_

_"If you remain we will give you what you seek. We can offer you paradise alongside him."_

_Jim slumped to the ground his hands covering his face as he tried to drive away whatever was going on around him. This wasn't right. Spock was here...Spock was just within reach. Of course he wasn't able to rouse him, and was at the mercy of those who held them._

_"No…don't."_

_"Do you wish to be with him once more?"_

_Yes. Yes, please. He needed to see Spock's eyes again. It felt like decades since he had seen him, and yet it could have just been hours ago. He needed reassurance that the other was there before him and truly safe. He knew what the cost would be to do what she was asking._

_His eyes looked up to the rows upon rows of slumbering people. He had saved so many more than those who were within this room. Time and again, he was always the one to save everyone. It was always a burden he had to carry._

_Why couldn't he just let it go this one time? Why couldn't he be given peace?_

_"Please, stop. I cannot do what you're asking, do not tempt me. I will not allow you to remove so many from existence."_

_"If you wish to leave we will not stop you, but only you will leave. The others cannot follow, if you wish to go…know that he will never be within your reach again."_

_More than anything else, this was something he could not accept. He needed Spock almost as much as he needed breathing. Spock gave him the strength to wash away all his pain and loosen the weight he continued to place on his shoulders._

_"I will not leave here without him."_

_"James Kirk you will take our gift?"_

_No...he couldn't agree to such a thing. Not with the knowledge he held._

_Yet, he couldn't leave without all these people. It was too great a risk to accept such a thing, for escaping once was a challenge on its own. They couldn't convince him, for he feared he would truly be lost here._

_"Understand that, if you accept this we will offer you a forever with your Vulcan, but the others will be unable to follow where you go. It will be too great a risk to keep them close. Your paradise will not be the peace you seek, but a world of your own creation. It will be a world that you will believe."_

_He couldn't do this. He needed to find a way out. There were too many lives to try and escape with. Waking them all was futile._

_His breath left him with a harsh huff. His knees slid out from beneath him so that he would drop more fully to the ground below. He couldn't do this on his own. Spock and his crew was here, and he couldn't get them away from this on his own._

_"I cannot blindly accept this…"_

_"That is our offer. Do you not wish to remain with your love?"_

_His mind was pounding with all the possibilities being tossed to the side. Of all the plans that had no good ending. How was he supposed to do this?_

_"I will not part from him, no." Jim replied evenly._

_…_

_…_

_"James Kirk you will take our gift."_

_…_

_…_

_He ducked his head in a nod._

_…_

_…_

_"This time you will find the world you seek. You will have your courage and fight your fight. In the end you will be given your Spock and find yourself."_

_"If I wake again?" Jim questioned, "What happens when your reality falls away once again?"_

_"You are lost, we are offering a place to find yourself and return to the side of the one you love. Will you not give everything to remain at his side?"_

_Even in their minds together, Spock wouldn't be there. Not as Jim wanted him. Spock was out here, but he was trapped this time within his own mind. It was Jim's turn to delve in and dig him out. He would do anything to help Spock as the Vulcan had helped him. He would bring Spock back. Spock would wake up again._

_"If I wake again, If you fail to achieve what you believe this will accomplish. Then you will let them all go. If you believe that you are capable of such a feat. If you hold no doubts of your own capabilities, than you shouldn't fear this challenge I offer. If I am such a monumental figure in time, then the cost of one should be enough for the cost of the many. If I fail than it will cost you nothing."_

_"Why would we agree when you have nothing to barter with? You wish to remain with your loved ones. We already know that we have you."_

_"You also know who I am and what I am capable of. If there was ever an individual that could tear apart the Nexus…do you doubt that it would be me?"_

_He rose up as he spoke. He held the gaze of the female. He was risking everything. He was giving up all he had and more. All of these people, and he was betting it all on a bluff. Yet, if he had to…he would tear the Nexus down to return them…to bring them back._

_"You're threat is a bluff." She replied though her words were not spoken with the air of confidence she had held before._

_…_

_…_

_"Is it?"_

_…_

_…_

_"Very well."_

_She stepped forward, crowding close to him. Unwillingly he took a step back and felt the cold press of metal through his clothes. She pushed him back and he fell down upon an empty bed once more._

_With little movement she managed to grasp a hold of his hand and place it within Spock's own. Jim clasped out automatically; intertwining their hands._

_"We will see what you are capable of."_

_Jim's eyes began to fall heavily and in those last moments of clarity he breathed out, "open your eyes…open your eyes…wake up…"_

* * *

**AN:** Just so you don't all think I'm insane for writing this…or become angry because something doesn't make sense. This is a recollection. This was a past event. If parts of this sound familiar it's because Jim had changed the events in his own subconscious to better fit the events that had played out. I wrote something like this earlier (cough*meeting the elders*cough).

These were how the events really went, what we had seen were the altered version. Basically his mind screaming to remember, but him not being able to concentrate on seeing past what was important at the time (a.k.a. Spock missing).

Figured I'd actually explain it this time since it's been forever since I last updated, and I'm trying to make up for that now...sob!

**AN2:** Oh, also. Next chapter is written and I'm gonna sleep on it so that I can reread it with fresh eyes, but I think that is it. It came out wrapping everything up nicely. I'll have an epilogue following it, but that should be it. Just the two posts.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed : )


	24. The One I've Lost:Five

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.**_

_**Warnings: **__Um...this is pretty mild. No super action-y scenes. Possibly some language and really light mxm, no smut.  
_

AN: So, what to say. Well I wrote this and actually liked how it ended enough so that I'm good to call this it. I'll add an epilogue following this chapter, but that should be it unless of course it bleeds over. I'm fine with the epilogue being just one long chapter if that's what it needs to be.

Anyway this chapter...well, its mellow in terms of how the rest of the story and how Even the Stars went, which is different. Yet, oddly I enjoyed how this came out. I hope that you all will as well.

Sorry if the characters and writing style has change some from the beginning, I reread both this story and EtS but its been awhile and I've changed a lot since then. Just know I tried to make it all sound as similar as possible, and I hope it reads alright.

Please enjoy : )

* * *

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter five:

XX

Jim woke up first.

He wasn't surprised this time when he found himself back in the darkness that he had woken in last time. Similar to the last time, their was a dim light hanging just above the place he was laid out. Yet, unlike last time, there was a second light to his right.

Jim turned his head at this to look over at what the light was illuminating.

"…Spock…"

The other was sprawled out upon a surface similar to that of a bio-bed, and what Jim could only imagine was the same for himself. They both were strung up by wires, same as last time. Yet, as he turned to look over at Spock he noted a heaviness to his right arm, and smiled at the sight of the Vulcan's hand caught up in his own.

Their minds, together as one. They made sure Jim would find the real Spock there within his mind.

It made since now. The Nexus supplied a world of their own creation. For it to be believable they allowed Jim's own mind to create what was supplied, and he fed off of what was around him.

The conversation he had with the woman had turned into a conversation he had held with the elders. The locket that had haunted him from his time with the Romulans, returned as the same reminder it had held before. The reminder being: that this was not the correct version of himself, that he had been put there for the convenience of another. That eventually he would have to return to himself, and to the Nexus.

He had created a scenario to put him back as the Captain he longed to be. He had lost Spock first due to the Nexus hitting the element first, and his mind supplied that same scenario in his mind. Though, instead of losing Spock to the Nexus he lost Spock to a universe mirroring their own.

He had seen Spock cold and unmovable before he had slipped under, and that Spock became embodied within his mind. Yet, he had lost Spock in the world he created, and would not leave the other to fend on his own…so he gave Spock another him. Someone strong enough to match the universes' Spock but also still compassionate enough to aide in Spock's desire to reunite with his own Jim.

Then there were the images. He saw continued flashes of auburn eyes, and a scenario that was likely to explain the events that had been terrorizing him since his return to the Enterprise. Yet, he had never seen another universe during his time trapped in the mirror.

Jim had struggled over all that he had suffered while having been a hostage upon the Romulan ship. He had been brutally beaten time and again. He had been isolated to a room and suffered greatly when he was torn from his mind to exist in two places at once. These events plagued his mind, and he struggled still to remember that he had truly escaped those confines.

He flinched from his own reflections since boarding the Enterprise, but only because he feared that he would find himself back in that room upon the Romulan ship. He feared that he was never going to be the Jim he longed to be again.

…

…

His mind was cruel for creating such a horrendous nightmare to live out. They had not lied when they told him he would not find peace going under this time around.

He felt guilt wash over him at the realization that he dragged Spock into that nightmare with him, but he held no regrets. He couldn't feel remorse, not when he achieved what he had gone in for.

His thoughts were drawn away from all of this when the hand in his own tightened. It was just a minuscule amount, yet it announced to Jim that the was waking. This brought Jim's attention to the bond that they shared, it thrummed pleasantly in the back of his mind as his beloved began to pull away from the hold the Nexus held on him.

This was right.

XXXXXXXX

Spock's eyes blinked open and Jim could already understand the grogginess that came from waking from the induced sleep. He had not felt it as much the second time, yet he could already see that Spock was experiencing it.

He knew that for a Vulcan, who prided himself on knowing his surroundings and retaining some form of control of oneself, this was an unwelcomed wake up.

He squeezed Spock's hand and rubbed soothingly along his palm to offer something to grab a hold of. He hoped, that in doing so, his presence could offer the Vulcan a balance. Something to latch onto until Spock could regain his footing.

The touch also brought with it the happy side-effect of drawing Spock's attention over towards Jim.

"Morning." The words were a semblance of normality; where there was none to really offer here.

Spock's eyes left Jim's, briefly, to glance around their surrounding but all he would come away with was darkness. This realization irritated the Vulcan, and Jim smiled knowing that if not for the furrow slightly in Spock's brow he never would have been aware the Vulcan's mood had changed at all.

"That heavy feeling of sleep will wear off, it just takes a bit. When you're under for so long it takes a while to come back."

Jim's thumb continued to stroke a pattern into the Vulcan's skin. He was offering comfort as well as seeking the reassurance the touch gave with it.

"I can feel you again." He smiled softly and earned Spock's gaze once again.

"Jim." The sound of his name was softly spoken and came with a longing they both shared.

It didn't matter if what the Nexus supplied never existed. They had felt as though they had been parted for all of that time. The only comfort Jim could take was that he had had a hold of Spock for as long as they were under—he had just not been aware of it until he awoke.

Jim tried to sit up but knew the wires would keep him in place. Forgoing that, he turned as much as he could towards the Vulcan. "Let me help you catch your bearings, Mr. Spock." Jim hmm'd, the words softly spoken.

He knew the team surrounded them, and that he needed to get them all off the Nexus. Yet, at the moment his biggest concern was Spock. Right now he was going to make sure his Vulcan was alright, before he went about anything else.

...

...

"This is not the first time you have woken here?" Spock questioned and now his brows furrowed openly with concern. Jim knew that look. Spock's question sparked a dozen others within his own mind, and he was struggling with answering any of them.

"Hey, hey…you're off because you've been asleep for quite awhile. Where we are, there isn't really a sway of time. It's a rift in time. Do…do you recall the conversation I had with Elder you? It was some time back and you had only briefly glanced over it in consideration of my privacy, thank you for that by the way."

Jim smiled and received a softening of the tension around Spock's eyes for the gesture.

"I can recall the timeframe you are discussing."

Jim's mentioning of such an occurrence, seemed to reassure Spock to some degree. He knew at least that they had actually encountered the events leading up to the war against the Federation, as well as getting Jim back on board the Enterprise and home to Earth. For Jim had only met and had such a conversation after they had already returned to Earth.

"When we got to the Element we were arriving just in time to witness it falling into the path of the entity called the Nexus. I…you had already gone over with three security detail when that happened, I couldn't prevent anything. Our ship was too close, and we got dragged in as well."

His other hand jerked in its confines, as he longed to run his fingers through his hair.

His frustration at having been able to do nothing left him itching to move about, and running a hand through his hair had always been a way to quell that urge. With his left hand strung up and his right hand caught in Spock's own, he forfeited the motion. He was not going to release his hold on Spock, and his free hand, for such a small gesture. Instead he would just stifle it until later.

Without achieving the goal for the initial pause, he carried on with his explanation.

"From what Elder Spock described it to be, it is some sort of temporal energy ribbon, it travels through space and time. His crew faced it many years later in their life, and I don't believe we were ever supposed to cross it this soon. It was probably due to the war putting us in touch with the Element that changed many things, I don't think we were ever meant to travel over this way.

"Unfortunately, those that their crew had saved from the Nexus were only saved from outside of its clutches. Once you're inside…you aren't supposed to want to leave. You're not supposed to wake up."

It was Spock who clasped his hand tighter this time.

"You woke up?"

Jim dipped his head in a nod, "Yah, I figured it out pretty quick. I know what to look for when it comes to you. I know what you feel like out here, instead of in my mind."

His eyes swept over Spock's shoulders and into the darkness surrounding them. "Everyone is here Spock, thousands of us. All of our crew, all of the Elements' crew, everyone is in here. They had families on that space station; our crew has families back home. We can't stay here, I knew that. So, I needed to wake up."

"I express confusion still, if you had woken up, why then did you not just go about waking the rest of us?"

At the question, Jim couldn't help the small smirk that bloomed upon his face. "I tried. I couldn't shake you out of it...you were in too deep." He responded quietly and returned to fully appraise the other.

Spock was finally coming out of the fog, that was apparent now. The grogginess that came with having been asleep so long was clearing from his eyes and features. Whatever bearings still remained unstable, were set aside for the Vulcan. He was slowly piecing everything together and like a kick start his mind was coming back.

It left the bond between them thrumming to life.

It left Jim breathing out a long overdue sigh of relief. For, at long last, he could feel Spock's mirrored affection through their touch and he knew that things were going to work out now.

...

...

"He had been given an opportunity to leave the Nexus. However, he refused to do so without the rest of you."

...

...

Just as she had last time, the female from before stepped forward from the darkness and emerged as if from nowhere.

"Welcome, once again James Kirk. Unfortunately, we have been expecting you." Like last, time the wires vanished with little more than a wave of her hand.

Almost instantly Spock was up and placing himself between her and Jim.

"Explain yourself, who are? You have taken thousands of Star Fleet personal hostage. It is safe to assume that among all of those who you took, you have also taken a Federation Admiral and several high ranking offers. This is an offense of an intense-"

"Spock," Jim cut over Spock's list of accusations, "they are not affected by our time, nor our laws and regulations. They're not going to care about if they broke some rules, and if I'm correct she is not really even a physical being."

Jim pushed up to sit and gained aide this time as Spock pivoted just enough to pull Jim closer, and place him further from this woman's path.

"Spock…" Jim admonished, speaking his name aloud once again at the Vulcan's foolish actions, but knew the other still remained disoriented from all that was transpiring. He could forgive the Vulcan for reacting irrationally.

"We are what some would call an echo." She considered aloud, ignoring the interaction between the two.

Elder Spock had explained this to him somewhat. This was merely a form the Nexus was taking so it could communicate with Jim. It was no wonder his mind sought out to name the elders, SuxeN. It was a backwards version of what they were NexuS.

"Your lover was able to break away from the reality that we created for him. He informed us that there was no reality that we could create that would supply him with the peace we offered. Not as long as you were not there beside him. Without you he would always remain aware.

"To prevent him from waking a second time we supplied him with a new reality of his own mind's creation. It would be a world believable to him, because it was through him that it was formed. With that we also gave him you. Yet, you have woken once again. Explain yourself? We accounted for everything. How is it you have woken again?"

Jim threw his legs over the side to stand up alongside Spock. This way he was able to face the other fully and not have his Vulcan protection to speak through.

"This time you didn't catch me unprepared. This time I was aware before I went under." Jim's remark seemed to puzzle her further, "My mind tried to supply a reasonable explanation for all of the memories I recalled from my time spent with you, but in doing so it left some inconsistencies. In those inconsistencies I left myself clues.

"You see, I knew that I had to go in to pull Spock out of your makeshift world that held him under. You would not give him back otherwise. I also knew I could not stay under, not after knowing all that I was leaving behind out here."

She stepped forward and met Jim's eyes. "You are an anomaly, James Kirk."

"I have been told that once or twice before." Jim hummed and stroked at the hand within his own. Spock had fallen silent as the conversation spurred between Jim and the female entity, and Jim reluctantly turned his attention to his bonded one. "She was here when I woke last time, Spock. If she wanted to get rid of me or cause me harm she would have done so then instead of now, relax."

His eyes flicked back over to stare at her once more as he knew it was time to draw this to a close. Right now they were trapped here, but that could be changed.

"You must let them go, now. You had failed to keep me under once again." Jim replied evenly, "Everyone, from both the Element and the Enterprise."

"And where shall we put them all?" She spoke and did not try and conceal her distaste for the turn of events.

"Put them back where they belong. I know that here, time holds no sway. Go back to before they were pulled in, and return them all. By doing this you should alter the Nexus' timeline, and this time you will keep it away from that location.

"Having both exist at one moment in time, should produce an energy source. Through combining with the Nexus from that moment you should gain the energy you fear you will lose. Then you will remove yourself from this timeline, completely. Take us back to before you struck the Element, and before any permanent destruction befell it or my ship. Then go, and don't come back."

"Doing what you ask may also completely remove us from existence. The end result is too unpredictable. It is too great a risk." She calmly placed her hands out as if to show that it was out of her control. It was basically a diplomatic or soft version of a shrug.

It was not acceptable.

"Then you will fall out of existence." Jim's voice was level as he stared down the echo of a being so great it could pass through time and space. "You should never have crossed our paths, and when you did you made the mistake of taking me and my crew."

Jim stepped forward and past Spock to stand his own before her.

"Now, wake them, and let us go."

Her lips pulled tightly into a thin line at this, and Jim could see the argument building up within her.

"Please don't make me threaten you again. You took people under my protection, now return them to me." He finally managed to raise a hand up to scrub through his hair, this time in irritation at the woman's continued refusal. "I have spent much of my life giving all that I had in protecting others. I pushed many people away from harm at the cost of my own person. Time and again I let myself believe that it was better if it was me than them."

Jim pushed away from Spock while he spoke. His hand slipping from the Vulcan's as he moved over to the table Spock had just been. He trailed his fingers across the dark surface.

"My return last time opened my eyes to see that my loss affected those around me. I was hurting those I wished to protect just as much as the ones initially causing the attack. I was causing hurt, in a different manner.

"You see at some point I had forgotten what it was like to depend on another. Sure, to a degree I let others in, but it was always with the knowledge that at the end, I'd rather it be me than them. The closer I was to the person the greater I felt towards this."

He tapped his fingers against the surface enjoying the clang that came from the action.

"I thank you for my time here, even if it was not overly enjoyable.

"Without being a part of that world I probably would have kept on going for some time still without realizing I had been keeping that distance. I need to trust my crew to have my back. A captain is nothing without his crew. I was lost because I had lost that trust. I had lost the will to remain with those I had held most dear.

"You let me see that there are situations I am unable to solve on my own, but those are the times I can trust my crew to have my back. For that I am thankful to you, but you don't want me as an enemy. Keeping them from me, will force my hand. So, I ask once again let us go. I won't leave here without them, just as I refused to leave without Spock."

"You expect it to be just that simple?"

Jim looked up at her. Her words left a tension settling along his jaw, "Yes." Jim's reply was curt and spoken evenly. He knew that it shouldn't take something as powerful as the Nexus more than a small effort to grant such a task. "You see, I have a future waiting for me out there. I promised it away to my Vulcan. My crew they also have futures waiting for them out there. We don't belong in here, and no version of reality you offer will make up for all those possibilities lost."

...

...

The risk of losing to James T. Kirk vs the probability of the Nexus surviving the lose of the crew tilted in the favor of the later.

The decision was made.

With a curt nod the female spoke up. She seemed reluctant to do so, but did not hesitate voice the verdict aloud.

...

...

"Very well, James Kirk, we will return you and those under your protection. We are not a violent type, we exist and in doing so many have crossed our path. To those we have offered reprieve. It is obvious now that reprieve is not kindly taken to you and yours. We can respect that, and will give you what you ask."

...

...

With the decision settled upon, the woman vanished.

Before Jim or Spock could make any comment on the matter the lights throughout the room came to life. They started as dim as the ones above Spock and Jim, but almost instantly the brightness began to grow. Soon the light was bordering on a blinding level, and it left Jim reeling back from the onslaught.

He could only imagine the toll it was taking on Spock. The Vulcan had always had heightened senses, and yet, as Jim stumbled backward he fell into the protection of Spock's arms. The light grew brighter still and he turned his head away to duck into the Vulcan's chest.

Was this an attack?

Had the Nexus lied to them?

Was this all just a rebuttal against Jim's demands?

Jim felt Spock's arms blanket around him like a fierce grip. Whatever was to come, they'd face it together this time. They both were sick of being separated again and again.

...

...

Only when the brightness seemed too overbearing did the darkness fall around them, pulling them along with it.

XXXX

Jim woke up to the sound of the Vulcan setting about his morning routine. However, he knew somewhere in his sleep muddled mind that it was hours too early for the other to be up and moving around.

"Spock…cold. Come back." Jim breathed reaching his arm out to the other but barely getting it far before it fell to drape over the Vulcan's side of the bed.

The feeling of deja vu settled like a splash of cold water to all of his senses and he shot upright. He had lived this moment already once before!

His eyes flew across the room to seek out Spock, but he hadn't needed to search very far. Sitting up at the end of the bed was his Vulcan.

Spock's lips did nothing to muster the smile that pulled upon his lips at the sight of Jim upon their bed.

"I had hoped to let you rest for a while still." Spock's words were soft but he didn't hesitate to make his way across the bed and curl into the shape of Jim. His hands trailed the length of the other to settle on Jim's hips.

"It is strange, the communicator has gone off multiple times since our return, and a part of me knows that I am to report to the bridge. I am meant to travel to the Space Station Element, this day. I know this because I have been in this event already once before."

"Are you going to go to the bridge?" Jim questioned just as softly. He had pressed into Spock as the other pulled him close, and he lay heavily into the embrace. Fingers moved from there rest on his hips to trail up the length of his spine then back down, again and again they continued this action.

He thrilled at even the simple touch.

"I believe if we prolong returning to the crew they will come in search of us for fear something is amiss."

"For shame, Spock. You did not answer your comm when being hailed." Jim muttered with amusement, but peppered kisses to the Vulcan's collar. "I watched you die today. Well, at the time I thought you had been blown up along with the Element, then I found out you were still alive. You were just lost in another universe. It...it felt like you were gone though."

As he spoke the amusement began to fade from his voice. Between each press of his lips to skin, Spock could feel the emotions that these thoughts brought to the surface.

"It was strange waking up on a planet I had long since mourned." Spock added his own thoughts on his time spent under the thrall of the Nexus, and having woken in such a universe, "It was stranger still to wake to find myself at gun point by none other then you."

The next press of lips to skin had the tug of a smile stretching the muscles.

"I took the ship back from Pike. I used mutiny against everyone, and stole the ship after reaching the nearest space station. I gave just long enough to let all those who survived off our ship before I kidnapped it and took off to find you. So, of course our alpha crew was there every step of the way. I thought they would be with me when I crossed over. I couldn't get to you on my own...It took so long to get to you."

Spock stroked along Jim's jaw line and tilted the other up to trade a gentle kiss, "You took as long as you needed, Jim. You rescued the crew and myself, but suffered alone because of it."

"It made me realize just how important my crew is to me, and how devastating I would be without them. I'm a better person here. I'm stronger knowing that I have people to fall on if the need ever arises."

Jim pressed a lingering kiss to Spock's lips before sitting up, "Come on. Let's go get my ship back. I think I've extended my return to Captaincy long enough, and I'm sure everyone up there is realizing that our journey here was no longer necessary. The Element shouldn't be facing any more danger."

"Very well, _Ashayam_" Spock rose up as well and stroked up to rest his hand upon the nape of Jim's neck, "I will gladly aid you however I can, Captain."

"It will be good to be back, I missed my chair." Jim smirked moving to stand up and seek out more appropriate attire.

"I express concern that during your time away from Captaincy, the chair is what you recall missing most."

Jim peeked back into the room from where he had vanished into the bathroom, "Among other things." He grinned and winked before sliding back into the other room, "Join me, First Officer Spock?"

The sound of the shower switching on caused the Vulcan's brow to raise up.

"Always, Captain."

* * *

AN: So, yah...just the epilogue left where we'll have Jim rejoin the crew, and whatever else I feel like adding up to and including Jim grabbing his Captain's chair again. Hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks to everyone who reviewed. I appreciate all the support. Sorry again it took so long to get us here.


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